Chapter 89

Silence enveloped us as he just stared straight into my eyes. We both had no expression and I couldn"t help but be nervous about what his answer would be. I can"t deny to myself that I want him to say that I was right, that El likes me. I don"t know what I"m going to do next, but I know that"s what will make me happy. I don"t have to think first about what I should do and what will happen because it"s important to me to know what his answer is.
Ivan sighed before he averted his gaze and laughed a little when he replied to me. "I don"t know if I have the right to tell you what the answer to your question is. I don"t want to lead her. I don"t want to interfere with what you have so whatever I do and say now is I don"t want to. I didn"t want to, but I had to do it for her. To help her," he stated. I couldn"t understand but I could see in his eyes the sadness and he just forced his smile.
"What do you mean? I don't understand you," I replied confusedly.
He shook his head as if he could not believe what he heard from me. "You do not know? Are you not feeling anything or are you just pretending?"
I frowned when I heard his question. "Do you think I'm just pretending? I won"t waste time pretending. Just tell the truth. Only yes or no is the only answer to my question but you are prolonging our conversation." I couldn"t help but raise my tone when I said that word.
He smirked as he crossed his arm on his chest. "Do you also think it's easy for me to answer your question that easy? Don't raise your voice at me because you are the one who needs help, not me."
I swallowed and realized what was being done and I said. This is not the time for my pride. He was right, I am the one who needs him so I have no right to be mad. I better just calm myself down because that"s the better thing to do.
I gasped. I calmed myself before I gave him a nod in agreement with what he said. He also sighed and swallowed.
"Whatever you hear from me, just calm down. Don't do something I don't say, do you understand?" he asked.
"Are you ordering me?" I calmly question him because I don"t get what the value is and why he said that.
He sighed again and scratched his neck. "Can you not ask? Just agreed, can you? It is also for the good of everyone so just follow me," he responded before he looked up at the ceiling. "It's hard for him to talk!" he whispered, but his voice was loud enough for me to still hear what he said.
I didn"t think about what I heard him whisper. I remained calm in my seat and waited for him to speak until he shifted his gaze to me again. He sighed again
"You understand correctly, Jas," he stated calmly. "In the few months I've been with El I can see how different she looks at you compared to me. Maybe I'm pushing myself too hard on her." He laughed slightly and averted his eyes before he continued speaking.
"It hurts on my part to tell you the things I see and feel, but there is nothing I can do to change. There is nothing I can do to change how El feels about me." I could see him swallowing before he looked up at the ceiling. I wasn"t sure of my suspicion, but when I heard his voice again, I confirmed he was crying. He immediately wiped his tears with the back of their palms before looking in my direction again.
"El wants you. He loves you more than you think and I want her to do what and where she will be happy." His voice broke when he said the last word. He could not hold back his tears.
"Why are you telling me this?" I asked him.
There is a part of me that is happy, but I also feel sad because I know in myself that I cannot match the effort and time that Ivan devotes to El. I don"t know what to do now that I know she likes me. I tortured her, I did nothing but hurt her.
"Jas, I'm tired." He laughed slightly as he wiped away his tears. "I'm tired of seeing El sad so help me make her happy. I love her, I want to see her happy and I can't make her feel that because I'm not what she likes. You"re the one who can give her the happiness she deserves."
"What do you want me to do?" I asked directly.
"Love her. Take care of her. Make her happy. That's all I ask, Jas. All I want is to see her happy even if I'm not the reason."
I looked away from him and swallowed. "I will not be able to satisfy her. I can only give her problems and tears." When I looked back at him, I could see his confusion. "You don't know me, Ivan. You know nothing of my situation, you know nothing of what I am going through. I like her, but I'm just like you. I also can't bear to see that she is struggling and hurting. Especially because of me."
My allergies are the biggest hindrance to my life and I don"t know how to give myself a normal life. I have no freedom and if I go beyond my limit, I will be doomed. I don"t want anyone to worry about me. I don"t want to be a hindrance to El"s life when I try to confess to her how I feel.
"Yes, I do not know you. I know nothing of your life. I don't know what your situation is, but I hope you forgive yourself. Take a risk, Jas. Human life is short so make sure you are happy before you die." I swallowed again when I heard what he said. He stood up and I couldn't speak until he started walking toward the door.
"Jas, just wait a few days and she will get out of the fence I made," he said before he exited my apartment.