Chapter 54

El"s point of view
I'm not angry with Jas; I just lack the courage to continue to face him. I'm not upset; instead, I'm envious. I understand I have no right to be envy if he wanted to show his appreciation for Baki, but that is how I feel. I'm not sure how to conceal my emotions, and this is the first time I've treated him like this. I know he's curious, and I know he's puzzled by my behavior, but I can't force myself to be okay. It also, too, will pass; I'll be well, but not right now.
I didn't get a chance to speak with Jas before he went. I wonder why I have the impression that he meant what he done previously. I'm not sure how it came to mind, but I get the impression that Jas made the banner to make me jealous, and if that's the case, I'm not sure why he did it. Does he like me? Was he envious of the effort I was putting in for Ivan?
I shouldn't be thinking that because I don't have any proof, yet it doesn't escape my consciousness. I'm not sure how I'm going to forget what's on my mind, so I ask myself once again.
What if he has feelings for me? What am I going to do? What are we going to do if I like him and I guess he likes me? I know I'll choose him, but will he also embrace me? How about Ivan? I knew he, and many who support us, would be hurt. Will I be able to face them after I hurt their idol?
Why does everything seem so difficult to me? When will I finally be able to exhale a sigh of relief from this world? Despite the fact that I am only a teenager, I feel as if I am a burden to the world. What will my life be like once I reach adulthood? Is there any hope for me? Is it possible for me to take another breath?
"I'm confused by you, El," Aly said as she sat beside me, clearing her throat. "It's obvious that you like each other, but why are you still hurting yourself?"
I look at her and ask, "How can you say we like each other?"
'Does she have proof, or is it just what she sees and feels?' I asked in my mind.
"I'm not sure, El," she said, "so don't rely on what I'm going to say. I just want to tell you what I see and feel." I nodded, and she continued, "I can see in his eyes that he likes you too. I can feel it because of the way he looks, talks, and treats you. I just saw him now, but I know he is a genuine person." I couldn't respond because no words were forming in my mind. I shrugged as she said, "Do you know what you should do? You can't forget a thing you don't let go of, El. If you really want to get rid of your problem and obtain the happiness you want, you must first find the answers to the question that is plaguing you," she continued, making me gulp.
I couldn't respond immediately away cause I needed a few seconds to digest what he said. "Thank you, El," I said. "Don't worry, I'll take care of everything; there are just a few things I need to consider first so that I don't have any lasting consequences."
"We need to sleep, Aly," I said, "and we need enough energy to cheer on our soccer team tomorrow." It's now 3:30 a.m., and we just have a few hours of sleep left. I felt sorry for her because I knew she had only just slept at this time. I'll just make her breakfast later to thank her for her help.
"Let's go," she said, nodding. "We might still have 5 hours to sleep because the tournament starts at 10:00 a.m."
We all got up and headed to the room where the only beam of light was a lamp. My bed was ideal for two people, and I'm glad she loved my room despite the fact that it wasn't as large as hers. We lay down and then I turned off the lamp because she was not used to having light while sleeping. I"m turning my back at her while she put her arms around my waist cause for me to fall asleep easily and I know she is too.
Hours later and I woke up at 7:30 am. I took advantage of the fact that Aly was still sleeping to prepare our meal. I finished what I was making an hour and a half later and went to take a shower because Aly hadn't yet woken up. I will just wake her up when I already finished.
In 20 minutes, I take a bath and exit the bathroom wearing baggy slacks tucked into my white minimalist t-shirt. I awoke Aly before starting to fix myself as she was still sleeping. She took a shower while I was combing my hair, and she emerged wearing a pants jumper with a fitting long sleeve at the bottom.
As she reached me, she asked, "Why didn't you wake me up when you woke up? I want to help you cook our breakfast."
"Don't worry, I'm fine with cooking alone. I don't want to wake you up since I know you're sleepy." I respond, "You're not used to sleeping late, so you were still sound asleep when I woke up."
"It's fine if you wake me up, but what else can I do?" she inquired, and I simply chuckled.
I said, "I'm going to the kitchen; just follow me when you're done." She nodded.
I went to the kitchen after leaving her in the room. On the dining table, I prepared our plates as well as the ones I cooked. I also made hot chocolate for us, and we ate together when she arrived into the dining room. We had a delicious meal because I made a great scrambled egg with tomato and fried a hotdog. I also made a fried rice with minced pork for Aly as well as myself, so we could have even more great meals. I made a simple breakfast in comparison to what she made when I stayed the night at their house, but she liked it, and I am grateful for that.
We left my apartment right after eating breakfast. We boarded the bus swiftly and arrived on campus quickly. Even though it was just 9:00 a.m., many students were on campus, and I saw that their clothing was limited to two colors. As Aly's fitted long sleeve was the same color as the other students, I was the only one with a white shirt.
They're dressed in maroon and green, and they're staring at me because I'm the only one who stands out. "Aly, did you notice anything?" I asked while we were walking in the corridor.
"Huh? Why? Is there anything wrong?" she also asked as she look directly in my eyes.
Doesn"t she really notice? The students passed by in us and they are all looking at me, but she didn"t notice. Where is she looking?
"Didn"t you really notice?" I asked again and she nodded. "In the color of my dress, do you notice anything?"
We stop from walking and she look at me from head to toe. She turned her vision back to my face, but nothing changed in her expression. "Apart from your beautiful fashion, I didn't notice anything, El," she commented.
I took a deep breath as I heard her response. I don"t know if she"s joking, or maybe she"s just dead-malicious.
"Aly, I'm the only one with a different color shirt. It looks like there is a color uniform that all the students here follow," I stated and I saw how she gulped. "Do you know anything about color uniform? Why did not you tell me?" She immediately shook her head in response and I can see in her eyes that she was defensive.
If she knew this thing, why she didn"t tell it to me? And it looks like she still wants to keep it a secret from me now even though I caught her.
I was about to confront her, but my phone rang. I took my eyes off her and then took my phone out of my mini shoulder bag. Ivan is calling and I immediately swipe the answer button.
"Hi, El," she greeted and even I didn"t see him, I know that his expression was smiling.
"Hello, Ivan. Are you at school yet?" I asked. I looked around and look if he was here.
"Can I have a favor?" he asked.
"What"s favor do you need?" I answered.
"I was in the music room of the senior high school building. Can you come to me here?"
I couldn't answer her right away and when I looked at Aly, she smiled at me like she was conveying her sorry for me. I averted my eyes at her before I response to Ivan. "Sure, I"ll gothere."
I hear him chuckle. "Thank you, see you," he stated and ended the call.
When I put my phone back in the bag I was carrying, I looked at Aly. I was about to ask her, but she preceded me in speaking.
"You"re going to Ivan aren"t you?" she asked and I nodded. "You will know with him the answer to your question you asked me earlier," she stated and tapped my shoulder. "Let's just meet later on the soccer field," she added and she turned her back at me.
"Hey, Aly, where are you going?" I asked as she walked away.
What"s wrong with him?" I asked myself.
She didn"t look at me and she just waved her hand while continue leaving me confused. I tried to call her again, but instead of responding to me, she ran away.
I had no choice but to let her go and continue my walk towards the senior high school building's music room. People I meet still stare at me due of my clothing color, so I sped up my pace till I reached the opposite side of the music room.
I saw his back as he sat in front of the piano as soon as I opened the door. He was playing a gentle melody, and I couldn't deny that he was great. I'm not sure if it's related to him because he's renowned for being a happy person, but the tone of what he performs is sorrowful. Maybe that"s really the reality; no one can escape loneliness even in the eyes of man you have nothing to ask for in life because everything is yours.
He immediately stop playing when he felt my presence and he turned to me while I can see in his expression that he was ashamed. The music room was dark, but the light from the small bulb was enough for me to see the redness on his face. I don't know why he's embarrassed because he sounds so good.
"You heard me playdidn"t you?" he asked without looking at me.
"Yeah, I heard it," I response and I heard he whispered a curse. "What I heard was good; too good to made my heart warm," I added as I approach his seat. I took another chair and then I placed it next to him.
He look at me and I smiled. Now that I see him up close, I can see in his eyes the sadness for reasons I don"t know. "Are you okay?" I asked.
He gulped and nod before he smile. I can"t understand, but the smile I see now is different from the smile I used to see in him. I won"t force him on what"s bothering him, but I won"t hesitate to help him if he needs to. He is my friend and no matter what happens in the end, I will not put aside our friendship even if the time comes for him to be mad with me.
Maybe that's why I can't teach myself to like him because he was so perfect for me. I was fortunate in that he liked me, and I felt terrible for him because he had poor luck with me. A lot bothers me, and a lot would be affected if I hurt him, so I'm not sure where I stand. For the time being, I'm not going to think about it because I don't want anything to go wrong; I want us to be fine until his birthday. Because I'm not sure what will happen if I go ahead with my planned confession right now.
He gulped and asked, "Do you know what my problem is?" I shook my head in response. "Listen to what I have to say because I will not repeat it," he said and I nodded. He took a deep breath and said, "You are beautiful, El. I don't know what will happen to me if you hurt me."