Chapter 51

With a chuckle, Jas bit his bottom lip. "I'm curious, did he say she likes me?" he asks, combing his hair with his finger. "
W-what? What was the nature of his question? What was he thinking when he asked that?
It makes me feel both bewildered and apprehensive. I swallowed hard as I glanced at him, but he didn't return my gaze. His gaze stayed fixed on Aly, who was smiling at me as I looked at her. I stiffened in my seat and felt compelled to speak, but I couldn't find the words.
I'm stymied and I'm trying to figure out why it came to Jas to ask 'that' question. There was silence between the three of us after Jas said those words and when I shifted my gaze to him, he turned to me as well, and I'm not sure why he looked at me in slow motion in my eyes.
I'm going insane! What is going on with me?
My vision returned to normal as I shook my head. Jas's smile remained on his lips as he continued to stare at me.
I took a deep breath and asked him, "Why did you ask that? Are you crazy?" I force myself to laugh for him not to recognize that I am shocked of what he said.
"Why do you look surprised?" he asked and didn"t wait my response because he turned his gaze at Aly again. "Did he say that?" he asked again to Aly.
I immediately mediate. "You"re such an assuming person, Jas. Why would I say that? Don't make our conversation awkward," I stated, slightly laughing for him not to think I am defensive.
In a split second, he turned his sight to me and stared at me. "Why? Do you find yourself in an awkward situation, El?" he asked, a smile on his face.
I took a deep breath and answered his question. "You're making me uncomfortable because you keep asking those questions that I didn't. Why would I say something like that?" I'm not sure if what I'm saying now offends him. I couldn't comprehend him, and I sensed a shift in him. I'm curious as to why he is asking that question.
I'm stuck in this situation, I'm not comfortable with the atmosphere between us. I have the impression that he is forcing me to confess how I feel, and that if I do, he will go because he does not want me to like him. Perhaps he observed my actions when it came to him and showed that I like him.
I don't want him to find out about it. I'd like to secretly adore him coz I know if he finds out, he'll ignore me. I know he doesn't want me to like him because he considers me just a friend. Maybe he's asking because he wants to know the truth, and then he'll tell me to forget about my feelings because he can't love me back.
I would rather hide my feelings than be rejected. Rejection is one of my biggest fears as per the fact that since I came out of my mother's womb, people reject me. Only few people accept and love me and I can't even afford to reject how I feel. I prefer to be in denial because I can handle myself to adore him secretly and the one that I can"t handle is if he rejects me.
After nearly a minute of silence between the three of us, Jas spoke. "I"m just kidding, El," he stated chuckling.
I wanted to question why he was made fun of and advise him not to do it again, but I was afraid he would be offended, so I chose to remain silent. I'm not sure, but I don't think what he said was a joke, and I believe he was simply lying.
"Are you mad with me? "I'm sorry, El," he murmured, and I could see the guilt in his eyes.
"You're insane, why would I be upset? I'm not mad," I chuckle and force a smile at him.
"Both of you are insane. Stop talking about what you're talking about," Aly said, and Jas and I both turned to face her.
Before speaking, Jas took a look at his wristwatch. "It's already midnight; do you have anything else to finish?" he inquired, to which Aly and I both responded with a nod. "Go ahead and create it. "I'll assist you in doing the task quickly," he stated.
Aly and I finally gave in, and we all headed to the living room at the same time. For the time being, I'll ignore the question that has been bothering me, and I won't worry about what happened earlier. As Aly is about to finish, I'll hurry up and finish what I'm doing because I know she's already sleepy. I'm not sure what sort of assistance Jas can provide because I'm not sure if he's a competent designer. He's a boy, and only a few men are capable of designing.
When we arrived in the living room, Aly got right to work. I sat on the floor as well, and Jas stood by, watching what we were doing.
"Can you tell me what you're doing?" Is that a banner for tomorrow's soccer tournament?" he inquired, and we responded with a nod.
Aly inquired, "Are you going to watch the competition tomorrow, Jas?"
When I realized I hadn't told Aly about his allergies, I looked at Jas and gulped. He sat on the sofa with no expression before answering Aly's query.
"I can't go," he answered, calmly. I have no idea what he was thinking and I don"t know what he was feeling as his expression was blank.
I know it's my fault why Aly asked because I didn't tell her Jas' true condition. I"m not sure if Jas also wants to watch and if he does, I know it hurts on his part to ask if he will watch because he can"t do that.
I couldn't wait for Aly to ask again why Jas couldn't come and I immediately changed the subject. "Jas, do you know how to design?" I asked.
He looked at me, but he didn"t answer me. He got up from the sofa and went in front of me. She sat down and looked at what I was doing and when I looked at Aly, she was also looking at us while she was smiling.
"Are you making a banner for Ivan?" he asked while looking at the banner I am doing. I am staring at him and after and a second of not answering him, he also looked at me, thus our eyes met. I didn"t avert my eyes and so did he while his face still had no expression.
I nodded in response to him and he averted his eyes right away. He didn"t say anything and I am just watching him while looking for something in the material we used. "What are you looking for?" I asked.
He response, but didn"t look at me. "Do you have available cartolina paper?" he asked.
I looked for the unused cartolina paper and when I found it, I immediately handed it to Jas. When he got it, he took a pencil and started writing on it. I wasn"t able to ask what he was doing and I couldn"t continue what I was supposed to be done because he had my attention. I have no idea what he is going to do and as the minute goes by, I gradually see and get what and for whom he is doing it.
No one speaking between the three of us. They were both busy with what they were doing while I was just looking at Jas"s cartolina paper. I thought he would help us, but I was wrong because he also makes his own banner. I don"t know how he"ll be watch tomorrow; I don"t know how he can show and feel his support for Baki in its tournament tomorrow.
He"s doing a banner for Baki and when he look at me, I immediately look down. I gulped and try to continue what I am doing while I can feel that he was still staring at me.
"Keep doing what you are doing. I'm sure Baki will be happy and she will have the courage to do her best in soccer field when she sees the banner you made," I stated without looking at him.
I could see in my peripheral view that Aly was looking at us, but I just kept looking at the banner I was finishing. I don"t have the courage to look at them because I can"t smile at them. It hurts, but I have no choice but to accept the truth because this is what I want; to have a reason to forget how I feel for him. He considered Baki just a friend, but I couldn't help but feel jealous. I am aware of the fact that I have no right to feel and act this because I am in denial of how I feel about him, but I cannot help not to felt it.
"Do you know Baki, Jas?" Aly asked and I couldn't stop myself from looking at her. Jas also looked at him and I can"t deny that I am waiting for him to answer.
He nodded and said, "She's my friend and I'm unhappy that I can't see her play tomorrow." I didn"t say anything and just listen to them. I turned my gaze back to the banner again and then I continued. I didn't intervene and let Aly ask why Jas couldn't come because I knew he could find a way to answer if he didn't want to tell the truth.
"Is it okay if I don't say it?" he replied.
Aly nodded in response and asked, "If you can't go to the tournament tomorrow, how can you use the banner you're making?"
Jas shrug and answer, "Maybe I'll just leave it in front of their house."
"Do you know her house? It seems you"re so close to each other, but why haven"t I seen you on campus yet? If you're Baki's friend, why doesn't anyone know you? Baki is one of the famous students in CU and she"s well-known friends are only four," Aly asked again. I know how curious she is because I didn't tell her about Baki. I still had a lot to say to her because I thought it didn't matter anymore.
"Baki and I are neighbors. She"s my closest friend aside from El and you haven"t seen me on campus yet because my schedule is at night. No one knows that Baki and I are friends except El and you, so how will people know me? I"m just nobody and no one will think that the soccer captain of CU is my friend," he explained, smiling.
I gulped and things entered my mind as I finished what I was doing. I have nothing to say from what I heard, but I can feel how proud Jas is of Baki. Who wouldn't be impressed and proud of Baki? She"s famous, talented, sporty, cool, mysterious, gorgeous and outstanding. I don"t know when my comparison with her will end. I don"t know, but all my insecurities are already with her. She is not with her parents, but they love each other and she has a brother who is there to help her with all the problems she will face. I wish I had a life like her.
"It seems that you are so proud to be friends with Baki, Jas," Aly stated.
Jas chuckle and response to her. "Of course, I know she worked hard to get to where she is now. I witnessed how hard she worked so she deserved everything she has now."
I gulped again as I heard his response. I am glad that they didn"t notice that I was just quiet because I didn"t know if I could keep up with their conversation. From the time Jas and I met until I realized that I liked him, it never entered my mind to ask Aly questions of him. I can feel how much Jas interested in answering the question that Aly asked him, so I have no right to interrupt their conversation just for my personal interest.
I am hurt by what I hear but I have no choice, but to listen and accept. I deserved it all; I deserved to be slapped by the fact that I didn"t stand for the will of the heart so I was hurt. It would be better for me to hear all this as long as I don"t just hear rejection because that will definitely bring down my world.