Chapter 87

I don"t know where to find my voice to be able to speak. This is what I was waiting for, he woke up and I could see his smile but I stiffened in my seat.
"El," he mentioned my name as he chuckle. He also slightly messed up my hair while he was still lying on his bed. "El, are you okay? Don't make me laugh," he added and that was the way to wake up my sleeping body.
I got up from my seat and immediately examined his face. "Jas, are you feeling weird?" I asked him and he immediately shook his head in response. If before I could not move, now I am restless and I feel like I am panicking. "Doctor Bry needs to know this so I'll leave you here first. I'll just call him and then we'll come here together."
I no longer waited for his response and turned my back on him. I was about to start to step, but I didn"t do that because he stopped me. He grabbed me by the wrist and when I turned to him, he suddenly pulled me closer to him causing my face to hit his chest.
I said nothing to him and it didn"t take me away not to be surprised until I just felt him remove his palm from the grip on my wrist and he moved it to my waist. He hugged me and I could feel his kiss on my head. No one was speaking to us and our fast heartbeat was in sync which caused me to realize something.
I planned to leave. I used my hand to get away from him, but he wouldn"t let me so I was even more nervous. "J-jas, you"re doing it wrong," I reminded, stuttering.
"There is nothing wrong, El. Please, let me do this," he responded, but instead of feeling happy, I was more nervous.
I have learned from my mistakes and I do not want to repeat them. I understand how he feels, but his condition is even more important. Maybe he realized what he was doing and he slowly removed his arm around my waist. I also immediately moved my face away from his chest and I stood up properly. I couldn"t look at him because of the awkwardness of the atmosphere between us so I also didn"t know how to start talking to him.
"Are you still okay?" I asked without looking at him. I can't look at him because I can feel him staring at me while smiling. I"m not sure of the exact reason, but I noticed the strange smile on his lips and I can say that was the best smile I had ever seen from him.
"Why don't you look at me? Look at me, El so you know the answer to your question," he responded.
I take a deep breath before I moved my gaze to him slowly. As I finally focus my sight on him, I step back because of the fear. "J-jas," I mentioned his name stuttering. I didn't see any rash, but his skin was red again. "I w-will call D..."
He didn't finish what I was saying because he touched my wrist again. I immediately looked at his hand and tried to remove it as tears formed in my eyes. He didn"t let me go, he held me tight until my tears were already dripping as I shifted my gaze to his face.
I waited for a long time for him to wake up, but the incident that scared me happened again. I could do nothing and I couldn"t understand why he was doing it as if he was no longer afraid of what would affect him.
"Why are you doing this, J-jas? P-please, let me go. Don't do it to yourself." My tears flowed one after another while there was no change in his smiling expression.
"Don"t worry, El. I will never sleep again. I only do this because I want to prove something. I do this in response to the last I heard from you before I lost consciousness."
"I-I d-don"t get it, J-jas, but please, let me go," I pleaded. It was as if I wanted to tell him to feel sorry for himself.
"El, it's happening to me because I've learned to love. I accept that someone like me has no right to love, and I will accept that until you come along and change my stance. I'm afraid of so many things that I can't express how I feel for you. I'm not sure when or where it began since I just woke up and realized that you will be the catalyst for me to reconsider my views on love." His gaze focused on my eyes as he uttered those words and he still wouldn"t let go of my wrist until he spoke again.
"I sent in the concern that you wouldn't like me, but I also feared that you would like me and that, due to my situation, I wouldn't be able to offer you my whole attention and care. I was terrified because I knew I had a lot of limits and couldn't do the normal things you should do." I wiped my tears away with the back of my palm, but they didn't stop flowing because of what Jas was saying.
I can"t quite imagine him wanting me ever since. I could hear from him how he felt and I was hurt because I made him feel that way. I wish I had told him before my feelings for him. I wish I had never tried to use Ivan to forget him.
"Until I heard of you and Ivan. I was in such a depressed state, but it gave me an excuse to try to forget about you as it was the optimal way to do it. I had no choice but to accept you and Ivan because I had no right to stop you." He laughed a little, but at the same time, his tears fell. "El, you've deserved him. Ivan gave you what you deserved because I know and feel how much he loves you. He can prove himself, he can look after you all the time, he can come to you whenever you need him, he can cook for you, he can look after you when you're sick, and those are things I can't afford to do, so how can I show you that I'm capable? You are unworthy of someone like me."
"J-jas, s-stop," I stated. We were both crying and I was afraid of what might happen to him.
He shook his head and continue. "El, do you know how much he loves you? I know you don't know it, but I'd like to let you know that he likes you a lot more than you think. To the point that he left you to me only to make you happy."