Chapter 23

Jas" pov

Now that I'm getting near to El, I'm noticing her swollen eyes. I can't hold her as she has a fever. I'm in double pain because I can't help her and I want to take care of her, but I can't because if I do, I'll suffer as well, yet when I'm the one who needs care, she doesn't hesitate to provide for all of my needs.

I'm to blame for her current fever. I'm so self-centered that I didn't even consider how my decisions will affect her. She's a generous person who doesn't deserve what she's going through right now. Despite the pain I caused her, she did not change her attitude toward me. I'm not sure how I'll make up for it.

"Don't worry, Jas," she said, smiling.

"I'm fine; it's not your fault that I have a fever; no one wants this to happen; and fever is just normal, so don't worry. I'll be fine tomorrow."

"It's my fault, El, and I apologize; promise, it won't happen again," I lamented.

"I understand you, Jas. I know you didn't mean that. For now, you have to go home," she added with a nod. "You are not permitted to remain here for a longer length of time because you may be infected, and you are aware that fever is harmful to your health. Don't worry, I'll take care of myself. By the way, Ivan is here since he is one of my project partners. He'll be back home shortly as well."

I still don't want to go home, and I still want to stay here with El, but she's right: my body can't handle a fever, and if I stay here, there's a chance El will infect me. Despite this, my heart felt a little lighter when I heard why Ivan was here. I thought there was something going on between them, like if Ivan was her suitor or boyfriend.

Speaking of that guy, he emerged from the kitchen. I stood there staring at him, and when he got close enough, I turned to El and told her I needed to go home. It's late, and they need to finish the project, so I'll only bother if I haven't already gone home.

"I have to go home, El. Take a rest, and I'll be back here tomorrow to see if you're all right," I stated calmly.

"Take care," El responded with a nod.

I begin to walk while gazing intently into Ivan's eyes. He didn"t avert his eyes from me and I could still feel his gaze on my figure even though I had already passed his position.

I'm not sure why, but despite the fact that there is no competition, I can sense the tension between us. He appears to be friendly, yet I have no desire to converse with him.

When I left the apartment, I didn"t ride on the bus. I just walked home while the light rain was pouring down. I took a deep breath because I already felt the coolness my body needed and where my blood flow was calm.

As I went along the highway, lighted by the street lights, I imagined what my life would be like if I didn't experience from allergies. What am I up to these days? Perhaps I won't have any trouble socializing and will be able to dedicate enough time to the people who matter to me. Maybe no one will be harmed, and no one will have to take responsibilities for me.

When I didn't have allergies, I used to go for morning walks on the beach and watch the sunrise. I adore the sun, and I like bright but calm settings because they provide me with the tranquility I need. I am able to forget about whatever dilemma I am dealing with when I am in a space that is open, bright, and calm. Even when I'm alone, I'm not melancholy as my eyes see flattering things, and my world was turned upside down when I discovered I had allergies.

It wasn't so horrible at first. I assumed that was normal and that it will go away on its own, so I ignored it until my situation worsened. I'm not sure why I had allergies in the first place.

Maybe this was the essence of our existence; you can't only focus on what makes us happy and claim to learn to appreciate the things you don't see.

It was difficult for me to understand that I had to let go and avoid the thing that made me feel good, and that I had to confront what I feared. I was frightened of staying in the dark cause I couldn't barely breathe and a lot of negative thoughts entered my mind, making me feel as if I was suffocating by the time I began to lock myself in the room. I felt that time passes too long when I am alone in a corner of the room and I feel even more that I have nothing to contribute to the world.

Because of the allergies I had, I could do nothing but stay in a place I was not used to and as time went on, I gradually came to accept what my condition was. I got used to the place I was avoiding and I learned to love the environment that I never thought I would like. I've learnt to appreciate the moon, which provides light in gloomy places; the star, which is far away but clearly enchanting and provides radiance in the darkness; and the chilly air, which makes me feel like I need to breathe and trust that everything will be alright.

I went straight to my room when I arrived at my apartment. Before falling asleep, I lay down and glanced at the ceiling for a few minutes. I awoke early the next day and quickly took a shower. I changed into my casual clothes and exited the apartment once I was finished. The rain continued to fall, and the atmosphere remained dark due to the fact that it was still early in the morning. It was only three a.m., but a bus was passing by, so I boarded it to go to Nanay Lao's cafe.

When I first arrived to the cafe, I asked about Nanay Lao with a staff member at the counter, but she told me that Nanay Lao had left the building and would return later.

She nodded as I said, "Just tell her I came here."

I sat at a table and ordered my usual milk tea flavor and mocha cake. We only had five customers, all of them were students with laptops in front of them and drinks on their tables. I don't blame them for coming here to study because the environment is so pleasant since its interior design is so serene, cool, and relaxing. The products are also reasonably priced and tasty. The café is also open 24 hours a day, and customers are welcome to stay as long as they place at least one order during their stay.

I had already had my breakfast when my order arrived. My breakfast is unusual as I drink it cold rather than hot. People aren't used to this, so whenever I have breakfast here, they are perplexed, and others laugh, not knowing why I have breakfast in this manner. As I get mature in this world, I've discovered that most people are judgmental. They are ready to condemn even if they don't know the whole situation, and they sometimes despise good people while admiring true hypocrites. It's just a shame that the majority of people don't have a holistic approach to life.

I took out hot chocolate drinks and chocolate cake before leaving the cafe. It's 4:00 a.m. already. It's too early for El to be awake, and I'm not sure if she is. I texted her before getting on the bus, but I didn't get a reply until I got off.

When I arrived in front of her apartment, the rain had not stopped and there was little daylight in the sky. I knocked and waited for the door to open, but after a minute, it did not. I knocked again, and the door opened, and I was stunned once more by the person who greeted me.

"You're too early, Jas. El is still sleeping," he said, like if we were friends.

I'm not sure where he got the bravery to tell me that. He is merely a partner on a project, not a friend. He can't match my relationship with El so he shouldn't brag about me.

I noticed that the clothes he was wearing had not changed from last night as I examined him. His hair was also a little unkempt, like he'd just gotten out of sleep.

"Come inside, Jas," he said, smiling. "You can stay in the living room and wait for her to wake up."

I didn't say anything in response to what he said, but I did go inside. I smelled something in the kitchen and noticed that he was holding a spoon as I turned around.

"Sit back and rest there, Jas. I'll just finish what I'm making," he added, his smile fading somewhat.

I sat down on the sofa and placed my drinks and cake on the table when he turned around. I'm not sure why it crossed to me to just throw everything I brought in the trash. I can't help but think of myself in terms of Ivan. Ivan has the freedom to do whatever he wants, but I seek to prevent doing too much.

I wouldn't have arrived so early if I had known Ivan slept here. I feel as if I have nothing to contribute to El's life because of him. He could do all; he can provide the care El needs such as cooking, taking medicine, and watching if her body temperature drops or rises. I can't do anything about any of the things I stated. I'm unable to cook for El because it includes heat. I wouldn't be able to give her medicine or monitor her body temperature because I might have a fever when I approached her, and that could be what killed me because my body couldn't tolerate the fever.

If El is in better health, I can hold, touch, and accompany her; if she is not, I am unable to approach her. I had the impression that she didn't deserve me and that I wasn't one of her friends.

As El's bedroom door opened, my thoughts were disturbed. Her hair was still untidy as she came out, and she appeared to be just waking up. She was unaware to my presence on the sofa because she was dazzled by the light in the living room. I was tempted to call her and ask about her condition, but I decided to let her go directly to the kitchen.

To de-stress, I sighed. I'm not allowed to take anything seriously right now; all I need to do is relax. When I heard El and Ivan conversing, I turned toward the kitchen.

El screamed, "What are you doing there?" She wasn't upset; she just seemed astonished, and it was the first time I'd ever heard her yell because she was always calm around me.

"Isn't it obvious, El? I'm cooking. I'm making our breakfast," Ivan replied, and despite the fact that I can't see him, I can sense he's trying not to laugh.

"It's already 5:00 a.m., Ivan!" El shouted once more, as if she was concerned about something i didn't know about.

"What's the sense now that it's 5:00 a.m.? I still have 30 minutes to stay; don't you remember what we talked about last night? I'll leave at 5:30 a.m. You're still upset despite the fact that I'm the one who cares about you?" Ivan stated, acting mournful but resisting the want to laugh at the same time.

"Why? Did you get an order to do that? " El asked.

"N-nothing but I hope you will be kind to me because I serve you. You obviously don't have a fever, you have high blood pressure with me again."

I sighed once more, wondering why I had to hear this. I'm hoping I don't arrive too early so I don't catch up with Ivan. I could have arrived later because it's raining, but I'm just excited to see El and I didn't expect this to happen.

"Your voice is too high; you are no longer ashamed of your visitor," Ivan said, and if I am not mistaken, I am the guest he is referring to.


"Who is my guest? You? Why should I be embarrassed by you? Are you a celebrity? Are you an artist?"

El was surprised to hear Ivan laugh so quickly. "Are you already insane? What are you laughing at?"

"HAHAHAHAHA how about you? Are you blind? Didn"t you see that you had a guest in the living room? HAHAHAHA you're so excited to see me so you didn't notice him," Ivan said, laughing.

A few seconds later, as I sat on the sofa and slightly bent over, I saw someone standing in front of me. I raised my head and looked at her.


"Jas?" She asked as if she couldn't believe I was here.