Chapter 29

Jas" point of view
It's 5:00 p.m. already. Currently, I'm taking the bus to school. I'm with Baki, and I appreciate her respecting my silence. Right now, I don't have the energy to speak, and I'm also too lethargic to go to school. Baki just made me do it because she reminded me of our quiz.
I'd like to speak with her. I'd like to talk with El. I'd like to figure out what's going on. I have the right to know what's happening on, and all I want for her is for her to be secure. I broke her this fast few days and I promise that it will never happen again. I will protect her at all costs, and if she is uncomfortable in the situation right now, I must help her. I'm not sure if the issue I saw on social media is real, therefore I'd like to hear it directly from El.
She's a friend of mine, and it's my obligation to make sure she's safe, which is why I'll check on her after class. I'm not going to mediate any longer if the issue is real and she's good with it. Despite the fact that a part of me was hurt, I will accept it. I don"t understand myself anymore. I'm afraid I've lost her because she's at the right age to like or love someone. Can I be deemed selfish if I say she needs to stay with me? Because of my illness, my time with her is limited, and that 'limit' will increase if she has someone special.
I'm afraid of how I'm feeling. I refuse to recognize that my suspicions about my feelings for her are right. She's only a friend, and I'm persuading myself that what I'm experiencing is normal when it comes to friends. My head thinks there's nothing wrong with my feelings, but my heart doesn't agree. My heart tells me that my feelings for El are more than friendship; my heart says I like her, but my mind says it's too risky. I have no right to love any woman more than a friend. I have no right to be in a relationship because I am incapable of dealing with it. When I love someone, I will hurt her and finally leave her. A person like me doesn"t want to love because when someone love a person, you don"t want to hurt the person you love. In my state, we both get hurt when we love, so I have to stop listening to my heart and stop liking her or whoever.
Baki approached me when the bus arrived at our campus. I nodded and followed her off the bus, and we walked on campus together, amid calm yet light surroundings that were adapted to the cold. Our classmates stared at us as soon as we walked into the classroom. I didn't want them to know Baki and I were friends, so they didn't know. I don't want the same kind of attention she does, so we treat each other like strangers around campus.
Baki is greeted by the majority of my classmates. She is the captain of the soccer team, therefore no one is unfamiliar with her. Because of Baki's style, actions, and attitude, the majority of her admirers are females who believe she is a lesbian. Perhaps if I didn't know her, I would believe she was a lesbian as well, so I can't blame the students for mistaking her for one.
My classmates are still boisterous because we don't have a subject teacher yet. All they talked about was Ivan and Baki's phenomenon. They are all thrilled and they love El for how much they admire Ivan. I only realized why Ivan's name was familiar. He was a friend of Baki and a soccer player at the same time."
So, is the Ivan and El issue true?" one of my classmates asked Baki, who sat next to me.
"I don't know," Baki says, shrugging. "I have no rights to confirm that to you. Just wait for Ivan to clarify what is true."
When our subject teacher arrived, everyone fell silent. The discussion went well, and the time flew by. Baki and I didn"t exit the classroom after the lesson ended, and when there were only two of us left, I faced her and told her that I couldn't accompany her home.
"Are you going to El?" she said, her tone solemn. She smirked as I nodded. "Are you looking for confirmation from her that the issue was real?"
"Yes, I'd like to have clarification from her personally," I replied sincerely, emphasizing the final word. I'll just trust in El and not worry about what others think.
"What if it's true?" Are you willing to accept it? " she inquired, and I didn't respond right away, although knowing what I should say; it's so easy to say yes, but I can't say it directly to her; it's easy to envision I could accept, but my heart disagrees. "Don't be too hard on yourself, Jas. If you already know it's dangerous to you, stop it. You know what's good and bad for you, so think carefully about everything you do," she smirked again as she moved away from me.
She exited the classroom without waiting for my response. I grabbed my things and exited campus as well. Baki's words did not deter me because I knew that if I didn't know the truth, my brain would be disturbed by the thought. I took the bus into town and went straight to Nanay Lao's café to order something to take to El. When I arrived, I immediately went to the staff to look for her, but she was not there, as usual, and had supposedly left the building. I placed an order for my normal drinks and had it brought. I'd like to join El for a cup of our beloved milk tea, and then I'd like to ask her if Ivan's issue with her is true. I've already stated that I'll accept anything, and I was taken aback by Baki's inquiry before, so I wasn't able to respond as quickly as I should have. She was right in stating that I knew right from wrong and that as long as it was early, I would avoid the thing I was afraid of.
I got off the bus and began going to El's apartment, carrying two milk teas. Because she had no idea I was going to see her, I'm not sure if she's still awake. It's already past midnight, so I'll just go home when I get to her apartment and see her lights turned off. When I get to the opposite side of her apartment, I knock because the light in her living room is still on. She opens the door after a few seconds and smiles at me.
She welcomed me with, "Good morning, Jas." I, too, give her a small smile. Was she already aware of the issue, as evidenced by her beaming expression? "Get inside," she said, and I handed her our drinks before entering her apartment. "Wow, Jas, thank you very much; you already know how to soothe my nerves."
I took a deep breath and smiled at her. She went to the living room first, and I followed suit. She took a seat on the sofa, and I took a seat next to her. She gave my drinks to me, and as soon as I took them from her, she took a taste of hers.
"Yummy, I'm already missing this; thank you for buying it," she remarked as she sipped again. "By the way, why are you here? Do you need something?" she ask looking at me directly.
"Why are you still awake? I didn't say I'd be here; are you waiting for someone?" I questioned, and she shook her head.
"I'm reviewing my notes," she replied, pointing to her notes on the mini table. "How are you doing? Why are you so lethargic now? Do you have a problem? You may tell me about it," she said as she sipped her drink again.
I placed my drinks on the small table. I took a deep breath and forced a smile at her. I'm hoping to get the response I'm looking for from her. "I'm not sluggish; I'm always like this, aren't you used to it?" I said, and she pouted.
"No, you're not like that. I see a different Jas. What's your problem? I'm always willing to listen to you, Jas."
I take a big breath and stare at her for a few seconds before responding. "Did you already check up for Facebook?"
She nodded, and I couldn't see anything except happiness in her eyes as I glanced at her. If she's already opened an account, I'm guessing she's seen her issue with Ivan and she is fine; she doesn't appear to be affected, therefore I don't need to question her. I've seen enough, and hearing from her will only make me feel hurt.
I need to maintain my composure, accept everything, and be grateful. This is a win-win situation for both of us.
"Jas, why did you ask?" she asked.
I sighed deeply and shook my head, "I already confirm you," I said, stating the facts but changing the question.
"I already saw it and I immediately checked your timeline," she exclaimed as she retrieved her drinks from the mini table. "I'm so excited because I thought you had a lot of pictures but you didn't," she stated.
She continued to sip and converse with me about many topics, and I realized that I needed to be grateful for everything. It would be preferable if we just remained friends, so that no one was hurt in the end. Friendships can endure a lifetime, and there is no reason to part ways. It's also better for me to know she likes someone else so I can completely disregard what my heart is telling me about my feelings for her. It was better for me to know she likes someone else so I wouldn't expect her to like me anymore.
We're just friends, and I have no idea when or how my feelings about her began to shift. All I remember is that on the day we went to the mall, she gave me an unusual kind of exhilaration. I couldn't express how I felt about it at the moment. Only now have I realized that I felt that way because I already liked her; that my feelings for her are more than just friendship. I'm not going to go over what happened that day. I'm not the only one who will die as a result of my heart's irregular heart rhythm; even El was hurt even though I didn"t want to.
I hope I'm free. I hope I am also free to do the things that people do and feel. I wish I had seen her some days when I was still well.
It"s already 1:30 in the morning and I need to say goodbye to her even if I don"t want to. She still has work school tomorrow so she needs to rest.
"I need to go home, El. You still have school tomorrow," I said and she pout. "What with that face? Aren't you tired of talking?" I stated, chuckling. "I'll just come back here the next day."
I don't know when I'll be here to her apartment. Perhaps I won't be able to do it as frequently because I'll appear to be a hindrance if I also catch Ivan here.
I stood up, but her look remained unchanged. To make her smile, I pinch her cheeks. "When you smile, you appear more prey," I say, removing my hand from her face and gulping. "Bye," I said, smiling.
She didn't respond, so I turned away from her. I begin to walk, and just as I reach for the doorknob, she speaks.
"Sleep here, Jas. Sleep with me." I gulped and turned to her, puzzled.
"Please," she pleaded. I'm not sure if I'll be happy or sad. I want to be happy because her treatment of me hasn't altered, despite the fact that she already likes someone else. I'm sad because I think it's our last.
I forced a small laugh as I explained, "I don't have any clothes, El. I don't want to sleep in my uniform."
Her facial expression shifts. She said with a smile. "No problem, Jas; I have a unisex jacket and shorts that you can wear."
I swallowed hard and couldn't help but smile and nod at her. This night will be special to me because it is likely to be my last. I'm going to start forgetting how I feel about her tomorrow because it seems like a good idea everywhere I look.