Conflicted Emotions

KAIDEN'S POV

I felt really shitty. Dinner tonight had been a grueling affair.

The atmosphere was so thick with unspoken words and emotions, and I had done my best to avoid contributing to the conversation as much as I could.

My parents' thinly hidden attempts to drag me into the discussion, particularly about Lilian, only got me the more irritated.

I kept my eyes down, my answers were short and curt, and I made sure to maintain a cold demeanor.


It wasn't that I didn't want to engage in the conversation. In all honesty, I was finding it increasingly difficult to ignore her.

The way she carried herself, she was just quiet and there, and I couldn't stop noticing.

She wasn't loud or demanding like Isabel; she was... different.

And that difference unsettled me so damned much.

After the meal and I retired to my chambers, I had hoped that the solitude would provide some sort of peace.

But instead, I found myself pacing back and forth, I was so restless and agitated.


My thoughts kept circling back to Lilian no matter how hard I tried to not think about it, the look in her eyes while we were sitting at dinner, and the way my mother had tried to bring us together. It was somewhat maddening.


I hated this feeling so badly. The creeping sympathy, the biting guilt that I felt.

It wasn't supposed to be like this. She was an outsider, someone I had no reason to concern myself with.

Yet here I was, brooding over her. It made no sense, and it was quite infuriating.

I shook my head as I tried to take away the thoughts.

But the thoughts fucking would not leave.

My pride also would not allow me to soften towards her.

It was a matter of principle, a matter of maintaining the status quo. Showing her any kindness or any semblance of affection, would only end up complicating things.

She was my mate. And I couldn't afford to let my emotions cloud my judgment.


With a frustrated sigh, I decided that I needed some fresh air. The thick walls of my room felt like they were closing in on me, and I needed some space to clear my head.

I quietly slipped out of my chambers and made my way to the pack gardens.

The cool night air greeted me as I stepped outside the pack and I shut my eyes.
The gardens provided me some sort of solace, it was a kind of sanctuary where I often went to think.

I walked under the moonlight as I looked over the neatly trimmed hedges and blooming flowers in the garden, it created a peaceful and serene environment.

I walked along the stone path, the sound of my footsteps were muffled by the soft earth.


As I rounded a corner, I stopped abruptly. I almost cursed under my breath because there, among the moonlit foliage and the flowers she stood there. Lilian.


She seemed lost in thoughts, from where I stood, I could see that her face was lit by a pale light.

For a moment, I contemplated leaving before she noticed me.

But it was too late; her eyes met mine, and I saw the surprise in them and it was followed by something else—relief, perhaps?

"Kaiden," she called out softly, I could hear something that resembled hope in her voice. "Can we talk?" She requested.


I stiffened, every nerve inside me screamed, -no, yelled at me to turn away and run in the opposite direction.

This was the exact thing I had been avoiding.


Yet, rather than moving and running away fast and far, something in her tone made me pause for a beat. I hesitated, then I nodded my head curtly.


"Make it quick," I muttered with a cold scroll on my face.

She stepped closer, her expression seemed earnest.

"I-I j-just... I need to know," she began with a stammer. "Why do you hate me so much?" She asked me finding her voice.

The question hung in the air; it was heavy and accusatory. I felt a feeling of discomfort.

Shit what was she thinking? Hate?

Was that what she actually thought? I wanted to tell her that she was so wrong, that it wasn't hate that I felt.

But the words stuck in my throat, it was wrapped with pride and confusion. Instead, I forced out a scoff as I crossed my arms over my chest.

"I don't hate you," I replied, my tone was harsher than I intended but I still maintained composure. "You're just... not worth my time." I told her and looked away from her.


I saw the way her eyes widened slightly and she looked so hurt. I wanted to take back my words.

Fuck, I instantly regretted the words the moment they left my mouth, but I simply couldn't take them back.

I honestly could not. I was too much of a prick and an asshole to take back my words.

So the damage was already done, and I could see the impact they had on her.

"Not worth your time?" she repeated in a bitter voice. No doubt she was upset. "Is that why you go out of your way to ignore me, to avoid me? Because I am really not worth your time?" She asked me while I was looking away.


I was making things worse and I knew this.

I clenched my jaw and unclenched them, same with my fists as I struggled so hard to maintain my composure.

This was fastly getting out of control, and I needed to end it.

"You don't know what you're talking about!" I snapped at her. "You think just because you're here, you deserve for me to pay attention to you?

You're nothing. You're only here because I said so. You don't belong here." I told her in a cold voice.


My words were so cruel and venomous. I watched as her expression crumpled to depression, the pain in her eyes cut me deeper than I had anticipated.

She looked away from me and bit her lip as if trying to hold back her tears.

The sight of her pain twisted something deep in my chest, I felt some sort of guilt and shame.

But I pushed it down, and refused to take the blame for it.

She took a deep breath and I watched her compose herself. When she looked back at me, I almost gulped at what I saw.

"You're right," she said. "I am in fact just a nobody. But that doesn't mean I don't have feelings.

It doesn't mean I don't want to be accepted, to find a place here.

I thought maybe, as my mate, you would at least try to understand that. But I see now that was foolish of me."


The sincerity in her words, the vulnerability there, they all struck me so damn hard, harder than I expected. I opened my mouth to speak, to say something—anything at all—that might help soften the blow of my previous words.

But no word came out and I couldn't find my voice.

I stood there, paralyzed by my own pride and confusion.

After a while, Lilian shook her head, as she allowed a small smile to tug at her plum lips.

"I won't bother you anymore, Kaiden," she said in a voice that came out as a whisper.

"I am deeply sorry for being a burden all these while." She said and with that, she turned on her heels and walked away from me, leaving me standing alone in the garden.

I watched her go, my chest tight with a mix of emotions I couldn't fully comprehend.

Anger, frustration, regret—all swirled together, making it hard to breathe.


For a moment, I considered going after her, apologizing for the hurtful things I had said.

But the weight of my pride held me back, and I stood rooted to the spot, unable to move. I hated this, hated the way she made me feel.

Vulnerable, exposed. It was easier to be cold, to keep her at arm's length.

It was safer that way.
As I turned to leave the garden, I felt so much at loss.


The evening's events replayed in my mind, each harsh word and pained expression etched into my memory.

I had wanted to keep my distance, to protect myself from the complications of emotions and attachments.

But in doing so, I had hurt someone who didn't deserve it.

Back in my chambers, I lay on my bed, staring up at the ceiling.

Sleep eluded me, my thoughts consumed by the encounter with Lilian.

Her words echoed in my mind, each one a reminder of my callousness.

She had come to me, seeking understanding, and I had pushed her away.


Why couldn't I just admit the truth? That I didn't hate her. That, in fact, I was beginning to feel something... something I couldn't name.

It scared me, the intensity of it. The way her presence seemed to invade my thoughts, making it impossible to think clearly.

I sighed, rubbing my temples in evident anger and exhaustion.

This was a mess. A complicated, tangled mess that I didn't know how to navigate.

Lilian was my mate, and no matter how much I tried to deny it, that bond meant something. It was a connection I couldn't ignore, no matter how hard I tried.