Doubts and Sentiments

Lilian's POV

I was aware that Kaiden and his men were back from the hunt. I knew very well that the hunters had come back successful, and preparations for the feast were well underway.


The air buzzed with excitement; the aroma of roasting meat filled the air, it mingled with the laughter and chatter of the pack members all over the place.


But even with the anticipation that had everyone else brimming with enthusiasm, I couldn't bring myself to join in. Not that I didn't want to. It's just…


The thought of seeing Kaiden again after everything that had happened made my chest tighten. I wanted to see him—of course, I did. But there was also a gnawing reluctance.



I really didn't want to have to face him, just yet. And I knew that the feeling was mutual. He had been avoiding me ever since. I wasn't ready to face him now. To look him in his face.



Every single time I imagined approaching him, the memory of that night, of the things he did to my body flooded back, it made my steps falter.


The way he had pulled away after that kiss, the way he had looked at me with those conflicted eyes—it was still fresh in my mind, like a wound that refused to heal.



So rather than go on out and join in the preparations for the feast, I found myself wandering the quieter parts of the pack's territory away from what and where I knew Kaiden could be. The noise of the feast felt too overwhelming, and I wasn’t ready to face the curious eyes of others, not yet even though I knew that I was the pack Luna and that I was supposed to be at the forefront of things. They just had to bear with me this once.



As I walked quietly and thoughtfully, my eyes immediately caught sight of Yuria in the distance.


She was sitting on a stone bench near the edge of the woods and was surrounded by wildflowers, her golden curls gleamed in the sunlight where she sat.



What was she doing there all alone?
Wasn't she supposed to be with the other pack members?


She looked up as I approached and I saw the moment her face lit up with a warm smile.



"Lilian! I was wondering where you’d disappeared to." She said to me.


"Just needed some fresh air," I replied and I took a seat beside her. "The feast preparations are a bit too much for me right now." I said and she nodded her head while I sighed in exasperation.



"I can imagine," Yuria said, still nodding her head repeatedly. "It’s always so noisy and chaotic during these times. I don’t blame you for wanting some peace." She noted.



"Yeah." I said and then silence followed.
We both sat in what we could call, companionable silence for a moment, listening to the rustling of the leaves in the gentle breeze.



It was probably weird but I felt strangely at ease around Yuria, as though I had known her for much longer than I actually had.



She had a way of making me feel so at home and comfortable, like I could be myself without fear of judgment.


And like I had someone who could listen to me.


"I heard Alpha Kaiden is back," she said casually after a while, her voice sounded neutral.


"Yeah," I said I also tried my hardest to keep my tone equally neutral. "He is." I said in a clipped tone.


"And yet you’re here, instead of with him," She wisely observed, from the corner of my eyes I could see her glance briefly at me before facing back forward.



I sighed and ran a slender finger through my thick curly hair.


"I just… I don’t know, Yuria. Things between us are somewhat complicated right now. It’s like every time we get close, something happens to push us further apart, even more than we already were." I lamented, well because that was what I was doing.



Yuria tilted her head slightly to look at me, her expression seemed thoughtful.


"Relationships are never easy, especially with someone like Alpha Kaiden. " Yuria said to me. "He has a lot on his shoulders, you know, being the Alpha and all. But still… it sounds like there’s more to it than just his responsibilities." She noted. She was wise.



There was more to it than just his responsibilities. I wasn't about to delve into how he abandoned me right after we spent the night together in each other's arms.



The thought of it alone made me feel like a whore.


Her words were really gentle, but they indeed had hit a nerve. I found myself opening up to her, something I hadn’t done with anyone else in a long time. Not even with Kaiden.



"It’s not just the responsibilities," I admitted, my voice low. "He’s… he’s been so distant, so freaking cold. And when he’s not, he’s… I don’t know how to describe it. Hot and cold, I guess. One minute, he’s pulling me close to him, and the next, he’s pushing me away, very far away from him.




It's difficult and hard to keep up. It’s like I don’t know where I stand with him." I said, I could almost feel my voice breaking as I spoke.



Yuria listened attentively, her eyes were filled with something, I guess it was understanding.



"That sounds exhausting, Lilian. It must be hard to deal with that kind of uncertainty." She said and stretched her hand to pat my back.



"It is," I said, my frustration beginning to bubble to the surface. "It’s like I’m constantly walking on eggshells around him, never knowing what to expect and what not. And when I try to talk to him about it, he just shuts me out or changes the subject." I said. Or sends me away from the room.


I shook my head, I could feel a mix of anger and sadness.


"He can be such an asshole sometimes, Yuria. And the worst part is, I don’t even know why I keep trying. Why do I keep holding on to something that clearly isn’t working?" I wondered out loud to myself. Why did I always have to keep trying?