Conflict of Heart

Kaiden's POV


I could tell what it was. Scratch that, I knew what it was.


Guilt gnawed at me like a tireless beast that would not even let go. The echoes of Lilian's footsteps as she walked away from my chambers last night still played in my mind. It haunted me as it grew louder with each passing hour.



I instinctively took my fingers to touch my lips.


I could still feel the way her lips had felt against mine, the way her body fit perfectly against me.


The intensity of the moment had been undeniable, a culmination of weeks—months, even—of tension between us.


But in the cold light of dawn, clarity had hit me like a punch to the gut, and I’d reacted in the only way I knew how: harshly. I didn't know any other way.


I leaned back in my chair and stared at the untouched breakfast before me.


My appetite was nonexistent. It had now been replaced by a hollow pit in my stomach.

I had sent her away in a cold and detached manner, even when every fiber of my being screamed for her to stay. But how could I have done otherwise?



I mean, I had been drunk and freaking unable to think clearly, and I’d let my guard down. Or so I was going to make my excuse.


For someone like me—an Alpha, a leader—vulnerability was a weakness, it was a crack in the armor that could be exploited. And Lilian... she was quickly becoming my greatest weakness. I simply couldn't let that happen.



I raked a hand through my hair, the strands slipped between my fingers as I tried to shake off the memories of last night.



The way she had looked at me, with a mixture of desire and lust... it had nearly undone me.


But I couldn’t allow myself to get involved—not like that, not with her. My feelings were a tangled mess and I couldn't understand it, but until I could, I had to keep her at arm’s length.


A soft knock on the door pulled me from my thoughts, and I stiffened as I looked up.


"Come in," I called out from where I sat. My voice was rough from lack of sleep.
One of the pack servants entered the room. She bowed slightly as she approached the table.


"My lord," she said, her tone was awfully dared I say carefully neutral. "Would you like me to clear the breakfast?" She asked me.



I glanced at the tray that was untouched. The sight of the food even made my stomach churn.


"Yes, take it away," I replied curtly.
She hesitated for a brief moment before nodding and swiftly removing the tray.


I could see the questions in her eyes, though she wisely kept them to herself.


Good. As she exited the room, I felt a pang of irritation—not at her, but at myself. I had been avoiding meals with Lilian deliberately distancing myself from her, but it was only making things worse. I knew it was.



The last thing I wanted at the moment was for her to think that what we shared was meaningless, but then again how could I make her understand?


How could I tell her that I was beginning to warm up to her, that the idea of her being more than just a shewolf was starting to feel... right? The mere thought of it scared the crappy shit out of me.


I wasn’t supposed to feel this way, not about her.
She was supposed to be a means to an end, a way to strengthen the alliance between our packs, nothing more.



But now... now, I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I couldn’t stop wanting her, and that terrified me. The memories of our night together were still fresh in my mind.....of how she felt underneath and around me.


Shit!


I was beginning to lose it. I knew this.
I stood up abruptly and pushed the chair back with more force than was necessary.


I needed to get out, to clear my head. The walls of my room felt like they were closing in on me, like they were suffocating me with memories of last night.


I grabbed my jacket and headed for the door, determined to put some distance between myself and this mess I’d created.



I found myself in the pack training grounds. The sound of fists hitting pads, the grunts of exertion from my pack warriors as they trained—this was where I belonged, where things made sense.



Not in the confusion of emotions that Lilian stirred inside of me.


I stripped off my jacket and joined a group of warriors sparring in the center of the grounds.


The first punch I threw landed with a satisfying thud, and for a moment, the tension in my chest eased out a bit. I could focus on the fight, on the adrenaline that now pumped through my veins, and forget everything else. And I meant everything else.



But even here, in the midst of combat, my mind still betrayed me. Every time I struck, I saw her face. Every time I dodged, I remembered the way her body had pressed against mine.



And when I finally landed a solid hit that sent my opponent sprawling to the ground, all I could think about was how much I wanted to protect her, to keep her safe from the darkness that I knew surrounded our pack.



The session ended, and I stood there, breathing heavily, sweat poured down my back.


But the release I sought eluded me, sadly. What I had been running away from still managed to catch up with me.


No matter how hard I pushed myself, I couldn’t escape the thoughts that plagued me.


Avoiding her wasn’t working at all. But what other choice did I have? I couldn’t be near her, not when I was feeling like this. It wasn’t just about me—it was about her, about how I didn't need to let my guard down.


That would be disastrous to both of us. Especially when I knew where she was coming from and from whom.



I grabbed a towel and wiped the sweat from my brow, as I thought about my next move. I had to stay away from her, I had to keep my distance.



But the more I tried, the more I found myself drawn to her, as if she was some sort of a magnet pulling me in despite my best efforts.


As I made my way back to the pack house, my steps slowed. I didn’t want to go back, didn’t want to face her, not yet.


But I knew that avoiding her forever wasn’t an option. Sooner or later, I would have to confront my feelings, I would have to be left with no other choice but to tell her the truth. But not today.

Today, I would keep my distance, as much as it pained me to do so.