Regrets

Kaiden's POV

I watched her leave my room.

Her back was slouched in resignation as she walked away.

The door closed shut behind her with a soft click, and it left me alone with the remnants of our not too tense but somewhat awkward exchange.



I allowed a heavy sigh to escape my lips, and I ran a hand through my damp hair in frustration at myself.


I knew I should not have spoken to her in that way.


Frankly, Lilian didn't deserve my coldness. She was only trying to reach out, and yet, I pushed her away like I always did.


I knew that I was a shitty bastard and I simply couldn't help it anymore.

Now the truth?

The truth was, I didn't know how to deal with the emotions that her presence usually stirred inside of me.


It was like she had this power over me, an inexplicable pull that left me unsettled.


The way she looked at me, with the way her eyes were wide and vulnerable, it did something to me. It tugged at something deep inside of me.


I could very well tell that she was trying hard not to stare, but I caught the way her eyes stayed on my body, the way it traced every line, every muscle.

And damn it, I enjoyed it. I liked the way she looked at me, I guiltily enjoyed the feeling of being seen, admired even.


But that only irritated me further. How could I be so weak? How could I let her get under my skin like this? It was so freaking infuriating.



I clenched my fists and unclenched them, as I tried to shake off the conflicting emotions.


The irritation, the guilt, the... desire. Yeah, that was a big part of it too.

I couldn't deny the attraction I felt towards her, even though I desperately wanted to deny it, I meant.


I glanced at the tray of food she had left on the table. It was a simple gesture, bringing me dinner, but it meant more than she probably realized.


Lilian had gone out of her way to check on me, to show she cared. And I threw it back in her face.


What the hell was wrong with me? I wondered as I mentally slapped my face.


I reached for the towel around my waist, letting it drop to the floor as I grabbed a fresh pair of pants from the closet.


As I pulled them on, I took my time to replay the scene in my mind.

The way Lilian's cheeks had flushed when she saw me, the softness in her voice when she said she was worried. It stirred something in me, a longing I didn't want to acknowledge.


"Get a grip, Kaiden," I muttered to myself as I buttoned my pants. "She's your mate, and she deserves better than your bullshit." I scolded myself.


I knew that, and yet, every time I tried to open up to her, to let her in, I hit a wall. It wasn't her fault. It was mine. The walls I'd built around myself were tall and unyielding, and I wasn't sure I knew how to break them down.



Not after everything I'd been through, not after all the scars I carried.


I walked over to the tray and picked up the plate of food. It looked good, and I realized with a pang of guilt that she'd probably put in a lot of effort. I took a bite, savoring the taste. It was warm, nice and somewhat comforting.



I thought about Lilian's last words before she left, about her offer to listen, to be there for me. It was something I'd never had before, someone genuinely wanting to be there for me without expecting anything in return.



And especially now that I was having no one by my side with the demise of my parents which I was still wrapping my head around.


It scared the crap out of me, the idea of letting someone in, of being vulnerable.


But with Lilian, there was a part of me that wanted to try. I knew I wanted to.


I walked back to the closet and pulled on a shirt. The fabric felt cool against my skin, grounding me. As I buttoned it up, I made a decision.


I couldn't keep pushing her away forever. If there was one thing I knew about Lilian, it was that she was persistent.


She wouldn't give up on me, even if I made it hard for her.


I let out a sigh as I ran a hand over my face.


"What am I going to do with you, Lilian?" I murmured to the empty room.


The silence was my only answer. I sat down on the edge of the bed, with my hands in the other.


There was so much I wanted to say to her, to explain, but the words never came out right.


And then there was the fear, the fear of being hurt again, of losing control, of freaking being used.


It felt strange to me. Everything. I felt like Henrik was using her as a pawn to get to me. And strangely I didn't want that to happen.


But maybe, just maybe, I could start small.

I could try to be more open, to let her see a glimpse of the real me.


It wouldn't be easy, and I had no idea if I could even do it, but for Lilian, I was willing to try at the very least. She deserved that much, I had to admit.



I finished my meal, setting the empty plate back on the tray. The room felt too quiet, too empty.


I missed her presence, the way she filled the space with her warmth, her gentle energy.


It was unsettling to realize how much I'd come to rely on her being around, even if I pretended otherwise.

I knew so well that I was attracted to her. I knew this but I was not going to admit it. At least not out loud.


As I stood up, I glanced at the door. She was probably in her room now, maybe replaying our conversation just like I was.


I hoped she wasn't too upset. I knew I'd hurt her with my harsh words, I fucking did that a lot, but it wasn't what I wanted. Not really.



I walked over to the window and I looked out at the night landscape. The night was calm and peaceful, it was way different from the storm brewing inside me.


I had a lot to figure out, a lot to work through. But one thing was clear—I couldn't keep treating Lilian the way I had been.

She deserved honesty, respect, and maybe even... a chance. Somewhat.