209
Matt
As I stepped into the familiar territory of the Blue Moon Pack House, the air was thick with tension, a palpable unease that seeped into my very bones. It was evident that something was amiss, but for the time being, I chose to ignore it. I had to, or I really would lose my fucking mind. I had been thinking about what Dagon suggested, but I couldn't think about it right now. My purpose here was simple: gather some fresh clothes for Tony and myself.
As I passed through the common area, my eyes fell upon a heartwarming sight—Quillan, alongside the other youngsters, engrossed in a lesson about the supernatural world. They were in the midst of learning their ABCs.
I watched, a bittersweet feeling tugging at my heart. These pups were growing up the way I had. I had been happy to a point then, but looking back, I knew exactly how wrong it all was, how unprepared they would be to leave the werewolf world to do anything.
And if any of them proved to be unable to shift at will, they'd be forced to figure it out just like so many others had.
Guilt churned in, so I continued to our rooms. I grabbed some casual clothes for us both, stuffing it all in two carry-on suitcases. The task was mundane, but it allowed me to focus on something other than the strange atmosphere that clung to the pack house like a shroud.
As I left, I ran into Oren. Nothing in me felt scared, exactly, but there was a tension in me. His expression was unreadable like he had something to say, but he couldn't—or wouldn't.
Then, he turned from me and headed towards where the children were. With the bag of clothes in hand, I retraced my steps through the pack house, my thoughts a whirlwind of conflicting emotions. The pack, the children, my own uncertain path—it was all so complex, so interwoven. And I couldn't help but feel like it would never end. Not as long as Oren had any semblance of control.
A chill crept down my spine as I recalled his words from my youth and heard him stating them again.
"A female werewolf's greatest pride being the children she bears for her alpha." My stomach churned. "And as young male Blue Moon wolves, you need to be prepared for combat. You'll start training in a few years."
The memory of my mother flickered briefly in my mind. The peaceful expression, the happiness on her face, when she died.
My stomach lurched, and I hurried out of the house before I threw up what little I had eaten. I jumped in my car, threw the suitcases in the back, and put my foot on the gas so hard the tires screeched.
As I sped away from the Blue Moon Estate, the memories of our mother flooded my mind like a torrent. I had been but a child then, innocent and unknowing, yet I could still vividly recall the way she had carried herself. Our mother had been such a kind and understanding woman. I remembered that she was different between me and Tony. Her smiles, so radiant to the world, never quite reached her eyes when others were present. It was only in those moments when we were alone, just the two of us, that I glimpsed the true depth of her sadness and the little flickers of joy in her eyes.
She had been a remarkable woman. Yet beneath her facade of unwavering strength, I had always felt that there was something wrong. The way that she would sit in the grass for hours, staring into nothing. How peaceful she seemed any time she was outside.
Then, I remembered how she never actually left the house. The invisible chains that bound her to the Estate had been short.
My stomach lurched as I remembered Lucy's words. Had we done that to her?
Had we treated her the way Oren had treated our mother?
I pulled over to the side of the road. I threw the door open as my stomach revolted, and I threw up a puddle of bile that burned. The scent of it left me dizzy and feverish.
By the moon, that's what Dagon really meant.
And now, all I could see was my mother's face swimming in my mind. In those quiet, private moments between us in the grass outside, or even in the short walks around the Estate when no one else would appear, she would let her guard down, allowing her smile to truly touch her eyes. She would share her hopes and dreams with me.
Once, I thought I would be a healer, she told me once. I was in training to be a Council-assigned healer... I had a partner...
The shadows would come back in her eyes. I remembered asking her what that meant. Why had I forgotten it? How had I forgotten the way she spoke of the world beyond the Estate as if she had lived there? It was in those moments that I saw the woman she longed to be, the person she might have become had circumstances been different--maybe even the person she had been before.
I could breathe. Oh god, earth, moon, sun, I couldn't breathe. My head felt like it was breaking open. I screwed my eyes shut and screamed, curling in tight and pressing my head against the steering wheel as memories rushed in, cutting through my mind.
Why aren't you? I had asked. I'm sure you'd be really good at it, Mommy.
Her smile had faltered, then she smiled again and gathered me close.
Because little Matt, sometimes you can't follow your dreams, she said, her tone sad. Sometimes, you just have to... do what you can.
What did that mean?
I panted, feeling dizzy. I could barely see the road. There was something warm and wet sliding down my nose. The metallic tang in the air made me shudder. My hands were shaking, trembling. Something was wrong with me.
I closed the door and turned on my hazards. My fingers slipped and slid on the navigation system. I searched for the address to the magical hospital I had been tested at and hit go.
I saw her dancing with lifeless eyes in the ballroom, alone like entertainment. Oren sat in a large chair, watching. I remembered hating it. How many times had I gotten up to dance with her, clumsily and not knowing? How many times had Oren yelled at me for ruining the entertainment?
How had I ever thought that he had been broken by grief? How had I ever thought that he had loved her? How had I forgotten the way she would cry to herself when she thought no one could hear?
How every time I found her sitting alone in the Estate in some strange corner, she'd wipe her face, and her eyes would lose their red rims quickly.
Healer.
My mother had been a healer, and she'd been healing herself to cover up her pain.
And it had been so obvious. I pulled over again as another dizzy spell took over. I was still an hour away, and the memories were still rushing in, cramming into my mind as if they had been somewhere else and were now returning.
As I drove further from the Estate, the weight of my own burdens pressing down upon me, I couldn't help but wonder if my mother had ever found her happiness or if her death had been that happiness.
Had she had a moment of true happiness in that house? Even if it had been brief and hidden from the prying eyes of the pack, had she only known misery while I had lived in such bliss with her? I hoped that somewhere, in some corner of her heart, she had known moments of solace and joy.
The road stretched out before me as I panted. The blood was dripping onto my pants now. I had to get to the hospital. I had to go. I drove on, trying to push through it. My stomach turned. My muscles ached. My bones felt like they were on fire. What was happening?
The wheels of my car ate up the miles in bites and large chunks as I drove away from the Blue Moon Estate, each passing landmark pushing me further from the place that held so many memories, both bitter and sweet. The road before me was shrouded in a haze of pain and determination. I had to get there even as my mind was springing open like Pandora's box.
I saw her face first, her gentle eyes that had once cradled me with unwavering love. Those eyes, warm and comforting, had watched over me as I took my first steps filled with joy, as I struggled through homework and marked my growth alongside Tony's.
She smiled at me radiantly.
Had she ever looked at Tony the way she had looked at me?
You have to be quiet, little one, she whispered, cradling me close. Or you'll wake everyone.
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