Chapter 150
KATE
I felt a tightness in my chest while watching his expression; whatever he was remembering seemed to hurt.
"You already know about my diagnosis. It was hell in the first few years. My family helped me as much as they could, and it worked to some extent. I learned to control my emotions, most of the time." He avoided looking directly into my eyes, gazing at some corner instead. "I searched for many ways to channel my anger. Sex ended up being one of them, as you already know. Being in control was addictive; it was all I thought I needed. I didn't want to go back to that hell. Not being able to control my emotions and actions. It haunted me and still does; I can't deny it. I'm sorry if I became a controlling asshole. But I need it, even now. The last time I lost control..."
"It's okay." I touched his face. "I understand."
"No, Kate, you don't understand. It could have been worse. It could have been... fatal."
"What? What are you talking about?"
"I hurt someone."
"Who?"
"A submissive."
What? What was he talking about? Did he have a submissive? Did that mean he was a dominant?
"A submissive? Are you talking about sadomasochism? You do that?"
"I used to."
*The things he said he wanted to do with me now made sense.*
"How did that happen?"
"It was a long time ago. It was before I met Mia. During college, I discovered some places and kept going for a while. All the relationships were confined to that place. It was secretive."
"Like a private BDSM club?"
He nodded.
"Continue."
"I just... lost control for a few minutes. I let my emotions dominate me enough to... Fuck."
"It's okay," I tried to comfort him. "Did you hurt your submissive?"
"Yes. I really hurt her. She almost..."
Damn. He squeezed his eyes shut with an expression of pain, and when he opened them, they were teary.
"It's okay. You don't have to keep going."
"I'm sorry."
I felt like the apology wasn't really for me.
"It's okay. I'm here." I hugged him, and he held me tightly in his arms.
"I'm a fucking monster."
"No, you're not."
"I could have killed her, Kate. I could have killed a person."
"It was unconscious. It's not your fault. Let go of this guilt, because it's not yours to carry. Forgive yourself. You didn't choose this. No child should have to go through what you went through. And you've become an amazing man. The man I love."
I felt his body tense with tension.
"Please... don't say that."
He couldn't look into my eyes.
"It's the truth."
"No, I don't deserve it."
"Don't say that. I just want you to know, even if you never love me back. It's what I feel."
Part of me was shattered by his silence. He couldn't say it back. Why? I hugged him, so he couldn't see my tears.
We left the shower minutes later. I was getting dressed for bed while he watched me, sitting on the bed. I tried not to think about the heavy conversation we had just had.
"No more secrets..." he said, capturing my attention.
"What?"
"We agreed on that, didn't we?"
"Yes."
"Then I want you to tell me who you were with when we were apart."
A shiver ran through my body.
"Wow! Is that really necessary?"
"Yes."
"Nathan..."
"It's only fair. I just told you all that shit."
"Why do you want to know?"
"Damn it. Just tell me. Are we talking about someone other than that damn Kent?"
I hadn't slept with anyone other than John. But I had something with Michael and Niels. Did that matter?
"Alright... You surely remember Michael, right?"
"That fucking Grey."
"Nathan, it was nothing serious."
"An old friend, right?"
"I've already said... it was nothing serious."
"Anyone else that you had 'nothing serious' with?"
"Well... Niels."
"Niels?" He scoffed. "I only know one Niels... You can't be talking about...," he stared at me, waiting for confirmation.
I nodded.
"Fuck! What the hell?" He growled, standing up. I was startled by his outburst. He ran his hands over his face, interlocking them behind his head.
"Nathan..."
"You've got to be fucking kidding!" His voice grew even louder. "With my damn friend?"
"It wasn't..."
"Shut up, fuck! Don't you dare say it was nothing serious!"
Damn. He was losing it.
"While I was in the shit, you were fucking my damn friend!" He shouted furiously before storming into the closet.
A second later, I heard the sound of glass shattering, followed by a roar of pure anger. I ran, stopping at the door.
The huge mirror was broken, with a larger mess in the center where he had punched it. Blood was dripping down his arm, staining his hair and face, where his hands were now. He seemed out of control, enraged, and bewildered as he breathed heavily.
"Nathan, you hurt yourself..." I took a step toward him.
"Don't come any closer, fuck!" He shouted.
"Nathan..."
"Get out of here! I don't want to see your face!" He growled through gritted teeth.
I had never seen him like this. I didn't know what to do.
"You didn't hear me?" He continued shouting, taking a step towards me, causing me to step back.
"Get the fuck out!" He yelled again with pure hatred before slamming the door shut in my face.
I stood there, staring at the door in shock. What happened to him? Did he lose control, or was he just angry? Damn it. What should I do? He told me to leave. Should I go? But what if it was just a fit of rage? I didn't want to leave him alone.
Maybe he needed to be alone. My presence wouldn't help now.
I started packing my things to go home, fighting back tears and the feeling that I shouldn't leave him. I thought about knocking on the door, but I didn't.
I stood in front of it a couple of times before giving up. It was better to leave. He needed time. I had a lot to process, too.
I convinced myself that it was best for both of us at the moment. Part of me hoped it was just a momentary outburst; I had no idea it would affect him this much. What the hell did I do?
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