Chapter 151
KATE
I was about to board the flight to Vancouver, waiting in the lounge next to my boss. Five days. Five days had passed with no message or call from Nathan. My heart was in pieces.
He didn't want me anymore. That was the conclusion I reached after all these days. It wasn't just a burst of anger, as I wished; I had really hurt him. What's worse is that it was all my fault. I would never have gotten close to Niels if I had known. I had no idea they were so close; I was just living my life and trying to forget him back then.
And just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, everyone found out about us right after he told me to disappear. On Monday, they published a photo of us on the cover of a gossip magazine, holding hands as we left the restaurant. I wondered why Nathan didn't avoid that. Did he know about it before they published it? If he did, he didn't do anything to stop it. Why?
I tried to bury myself in work to try to forget everything that was happening, but I couldn't. During these days, I couldn't go more than five minutes without checking my phone. But yesterday, I finally realized that no message or call from him would come.
On Sunday, I thought he just needed some time; on Monday, I kept thinking, 'Okay, maybe he needs one more day.' On Tuesday, my hopes vanished, and since then, I've been using all my willpower not to call or send a message. In the last two days, I lost count of how many times I typed a message to him and deleted it before sending it.
The truth is, I had no idea what to do. Sending a message saying, 'I'm sorry for almost sleeping with your friend while you were going through a rough time; I didn't know you were such close friends; can you forgive me?' It didn't sound good enough. It was pathetic, just like what I had done. There was no forgiveness for something like that because he was suffering at the time.
So was I, but the difference is that I thought he had betrayed me, so I just decided to move on without looking back because it hurt so much to look back. Pretending not to feel and that I would overcome and forget him was much easier.
I felt that even if I tried to explain all this to him, it wouldn't be enough. He opened up to me. Damn. He told me about his worst fears. I saw him become vulnerable right in front of me. And then he found out that I was involved with one of his friends.
He had the right to feel betrayed, even if we weren't together at the time because he expected me to be suffering too, not sleeping with his friend. So I couldn't just apologize and expect him to forgive me. I knew exactly how he felt.
That was the problem. I couldn't do anything. There was no solution but to apologize and hope he would forgive me. But I knew he wouldn't forgive. All these days without any attempt to contact me only reaffirmed that.
My hands were tied. I was fighting the urge to run to his apartment and beg for his forgiveness. Everything he told me about his past, about feeling like a monster, and the fact that he let me see all the pain he went through. He let me see behind the armor and made me feel like he was finally letting me in, allowing me to know him for real. And it also made me understand how much all that made him become a person obsessed with controlling everything around him.
Nathan had no choice; he didn't choose to be like that. That was what I had to make him understand — that he wasn't to blame. It was my duty to support him and not abandon him. I promised that nothing else would keep me away from him, and I wanted to keep that promise. But what would I do if he himself was the obstacle?
"Katherine?" Harry called me, pulling me out of my thoughts.
"Mr. Cooper?" He was already standing.
"Shall we?"
Apparently, the boarding announcement had been made without my notice.
"Sure," I said, getting up. We had six long hours of travel ahead. Six hours to continue torturing myself with my own thoughts. I had been feeling so tired for the past few days.
I slept for practically the whole trip. At least the flights didn't bother me. When we landed, we took a cab straight to the hotel where we would be staying. After checking in, both of us went upstairs. It was already past seven in the evening in Vancouver due to the time difference.
"Good night, Katherine!" Harry said.
I got out of the elevator. He would be on the floor above mine.
"Good night, Mr. Cooper."
I collapsed on the bed after locking the door behind me, then took off my shoes and coat without bothering to inspect the room or check the view from the window. I didn't want to be here. Far away from home, so far away from home. What was he doing now? I curled up in bed, but I was forced to get up a minute later to receive my suitcase. I left it in a corner and returned to bed.
I woke up an hour later. How had I managed to sleep so much? I took a shower and ordered dinner from room service, debating whether to get a bottle of wine. Would it be appropriate, considering that Harry could knock on my door at any moment if he needed me? I didn't care, so I ordered it anyway. I would lock my door and pretend to be asleep if he knocked.
I turned on the TV while waiting for my dinner, replying to some messages from Lisa, Mary, and my dad. He was asking about the holiday celebrations. I had no idea what I would do. Spending Christmas and New Year's holed up in my apartment in the dark seemed like a good option.
When my dinner arrived, I opened the wine and filled my glass to accompany the food. I don't know how, but half an hour later, the bottle was half-empty, and shortly after, it was completely empty. I ended up finding some beers in the minibar as well. Damn, alcohol wasn't helping me forget; quite the opposite, it made me feel even worse. At least it would help me sleep.
I turned off the television and staggered over to the bed. Stretching, I reached for my cell phone on the bedside table. It was past ten, so it must be very late in New York. But he could be awake. It's a terrible idea, Kate. I stared at his contact for a long minute before mustering the courage to dial. I squatted at the foot of the bed, curling up. The phone rang a few times before redirecting to voicemail.
Did he ignore the call? Was he busy? My chest hurt. He could be just sleeping. When I realized that the signal to start leaving a voicemail had already sounded, I took a deep breath.
"Hi... Damn, tears flooded my eyes. "Shit. I don't really know what I'm doing. I guess I should... Should apologize. Even though I shouldn't, and you'll just ignore me. I... I... I didn't know, Nathan." I tried to cease sobbing. "I didn't know you were friends so close. I was just trying to forget you; I had no idea we would be together again. I just wanted to erase you. Pretending you didn't exist was the easiest way to push away the pain. I never wanted to hurt you. I'm sorry. Please forgive me." I wiped the tears with one hand. "You won't. I know. Well... I really don't know what I'm doing. You must be sleeping. I think I had a little to drink." I laughed between tears. "I didn't... I didn't really sleep with him. If that even matters, I know it doesn't make what I did any less horrible. I... I love you. I'm sorry for hurting you. Please. Please... I miss you. Nathan... I'm sorry." I couldn't stop crying. The silence continued until I finally realized that he wouldn't understand anything with my crying and drunken voice. "Damn it! You really wouldn't understand anything... I shouldn't have left such a pathetic message. How do I delete this shit?"
I messed with the phone, stopping the recording; everything was blurry, and I pressed the green button to erase the message. It was the green one, right? Damn it! It had to be.
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