Book 2: Chapter 21

***Chapter 21***

Why would I agree to such foolish matters? I didn't have my head on straight last night and thinking about it now ate me up inside. The whole night was a bust for me. From Kameron feeling on Jay to me agreeing to whatever Cyrus wanted to do. It was all horrible and stupid on my part. The stupid part being that I took my frustration out on Jay because of Kameron. He had no way of knowing she was going to do that, but I was still pissed.

In the living room, I was indulging in a blueberry muffin as the tv played in the background. Jay walked in with that gorgeous smile on his face expecting me to be my normal perky self but that wasn't the case. Though I should have been since he was letting me stay in his home. He could have kicked me out at any point. Me being pissed over something he had no control over is grounds for him to want to kick me out. However, he didn't. Instead, we had a minor argument that ended up working out in both our favors.

Sitting down, Jay looked at me while I wasn't making eye contact. He hadn't noticed my demeanor yet, but soon would.

"Hey gorgeous, hope that muffin is treating you well." He was nice as always.

I nod. "Yep," I say being short with him.

His expression changed. "Are you okay?" He asked concerned.

"Fine." I say back.

Jay knew better than that to believe I was fine. It was obvious I wasn't fine by no fault of his own. He was the only person close enough to me that I could let my anger out too. It wasn't smart, but it was better than resting on my feelings. This was the perfect opportunity to get the things off my chest that I've been holding on to. It could have backfired on me, but Jay was always willing to listen. He'd especially want to listen to this because everything said would be true. The things he's been waiting to hear were finally going to come out. It was time.

Turning off the tv, Jay turned toward me this time very confused. "Autumn, what is going on? Why are you being so short with me?" His voice was concerned.

"What are you talking about?" I asked him not in the mood for this.

"Don't bullshit me, Autumn, what the fuck is going on?" He was starting to get upset. "I can't read your mind and you've been doing a shitty job at communicating with me, but I've been letting you get a pass."

My eyes widened at his words. "I've been shitty at communication. Are you joking right now?" I say standing up.

Jay stood up as well. "Yes! You beat around the bush and then are lost about why I'm friend-zoning you as you put it." He says frustrated. "Can you please just talk to me. Tell me how you feel."

I crossed my arms giving into his antics. "You want me to tell you how I feel Jason? You want to know how I truly feel?"

"Yes!"

Sighing, this was my moment to explain to him how I felt. All the feelings I've been holding back were about to be set loose. Jay wanted this and who I am to not give it to him? It was only fair, and I couldn't contain my emotions forever. It would be silly of me to keep trying to beat around the bush. I'm unsure of how he's going to take this, but it was worth it. Even with the things going on with Cyrus, Jay was someone special to me that I couldn't afford to lose. If my charade continues, I'm afraid that'll push him away and that's the last thing I want.

Taking a big gulp, I came right out and spoke to him. "Jason, I love you. I love you. I fucking love you!" I don't know why I repeated it, but it felt good to say it aloud. "I love you so much that it scares me."

"Why does it scare you?" He asked softly.

"Because I get these thoughts in my head and then I get so jealous every time Kameron so as speaks to you! The fact that she had the nerve to even kiss you yesterday drove me mad!" I explained. "But-but that's not the worst part Jay. The worst part is I'm afraid that one day I'll lose you because I do still have feelings for Cyrus. The thought of you with anyone else hurts so much. I wish you hadn't left me that day. I wish, I wish we could be right where we were back then."

I poured my heart out to him like no other time before. It was a big step for me telling him that I did in fact love him. The fact that I shared with him how jealous I could feel is also a big step in the right direction. It's unclear how he was going to take this, but at least I got it off my chest. It felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Jay's been waiting for me to say these words to him for weeks too. I know he had to be beaming inside.

Not saying anything at first, he looked at me with a small smirk etched on his face. I couldn't tell what he was thinking but it had to be good. No, I knew it was good because he walked up to me slowly never dropping that smile. As he reached me his hands cupped my face as my cheeks became hot. Before I knew it, his lips were slowly connected with mine sending a whirlwind of tingles throughout my body.

It's been so long since I've felt him kiss me. He was as amazing as I remembered and better! He was tender, gentle, and attentive all in one. His lips were just as soft as I remembered and quite frankly, I didn't want him to stop. If there was anything I was waiting for, it was this moment right here. All the tension that was once between us melted away. All I cared about was being in this moment with him. It's everything a girl could dream of.

Breaking the kiss, I licked my lips in excitement as Jay caressed my cheek with his thumb. The smile on his face told me everything I needed to know. He was happy that I finally expressed my feelings to him, and they were exactly what he wanted to hear.

"Autumn, I don't know how many times I have to reiterate this, but I do not and will never want Kameron," he says. Of course, that would be his takeaway from everything I've said.

Though I knew that, it was hard to believe that to be true. "Yes, yes I know but how could you not? Look at that woman she's stunning in every way that I'm not."

Jay chuckled. "You're just as stunning Autumn, if not more." He complimented me. "I call you gorgeous for a reason and I also don't date people for their looks. That would be pretty shallow and I'm too old for that nonsense."

I laughed agreeing with him. "You are an old man huh?" I joked with him to which he rolled his eyes.

"Settle down, I'm not that much older than you." He reminds me. "I've only got two years on ya."

I wrap my arms around his neck smiling at him. "Please, you could be like my sugar daddy," I continue to tease.

He raised a brow at my comment, grasping at my waist. "Oh, I'm hoping to be more than just your sugar daddy," he winked at me.

Laughing, we shared another kiss with each other before he lifted me up carrying me to his room. Tonight, sleeping next to one another wouldn't be awkward. In fact, the whole time we cuddled up with one another talking about everything and nothing. I've missed this between us. This time we were really going to get this right. No matter what, Jay and I would forever be connected.

*********

The next day, I was hanging out with my family since we haven't gotten to do much lately. Jeremy made us a lunch and took us out to the gazebo that I loved. Farah gave Jeremy a break for a few hours to do this with us. She's been pretty nice for the most part. I haven't had a personal encounter with her yet, but we were neutral as far as I'm concerned. My stay here has been wonderful.

Though I couldn't say the same for my mom. She's been stressing her out over the whole Summer and Jeremy situation. Summer still hasn’t been coming around to him and has gotten quite rude over the past few weeks. My mom was being too nice to her by not giving her discipline. However, Jeremy has also been pretending nothing is happening. Like he's afraid to put his foot down because of our past family situation. It didn't make sense to me why she was getting away with her behavior. It's unnecessary and if no one does anything about it she'll continue.

Regardless, I tried not to bring it up because I didn't want to stir drama on our family outing. Summer has been becoming good friends with Saida too. Apparently, they've been texting ever since they've met and sometimes even have sleepovers in Saida's room. I'm happy that she's at least found someone she could talk to. Even if her behavior is out of line. That was the point of me making them meet.

Walking around the Hadid's land, Jeremy and I were having a conversation about the things that transpired with Jay. I felt comfortable talking to him about my love life because, well, he was there for me when I needed him to be. Usually, Jeremy came with great advice too.

"I see, so what does this mean for you and Cyrus?" He asked me after I explained what went on.

I shrugged because I didn't plan on not going through with my plans with Cyrus. "Well, that's the thing Jay said he was fine with me doing whatever it is I needed with Cyrus."

That surprised him. "Really? As great as that sounds do you think this is a good idea?"

"Maybe it's untraditional, but what exactly could go wrong?" I didn't see a problem with it. At least not now.

Jeremy thought for a moment so as not to freak me out. "I just don't see Cyrus agreeing to this. More importantly did you even plan to tell him?"

Of course, I didn't plan to tell him. That wouldn't be smart, and Cyrus didn't even know Jay had a thing for me. Let alone me having a thing for Jay. If Cyrus ever found out about the sneaky things Jay and I did then he'd be livid. The consequences are big but it's not like I could change anything about the circumstances. My plan was to keep both guys happy and their friendship intact for as long as possible. For now, it was all about enjoying myself with them separately.

I shake my head at his crazy questions. "No, Jeremy, I can't just tell him I'm in love with Jay too. That'll be the end of everything if I did that."

"He has to know at some point, A, you can't hide it forever," he was right about that.

I sighed. "No, but I will for as long as I can. There's too much at stake for him to find out now."

"Just be careful, okay?"

I nodded, promising that I would be careful. I don't know how careful I could be in this situation though. Anything could happen at any moment, but I would try my best to keep things on the down low. Jay knew the consequences as well, so he wasn't going to go running his mouth about anything. However, the back of my mind wondered what exactly he told the other groomsmen about us. At the wedding shower he said they knew I was off limits, but what did he mean by that? I'm curious what they knew and soon I was going to find out.