94. The Worst of It

Lilith (Trigger Waring: sexual harassment but it is graphic and disturbing)

I was fuming, how had Rob even gotten Eric’s number. Then there was what he had said. He knew the things that happened that I didn’t even want to think about. When I woke up and knew I was safe, I had decided to never talk or think about what Bowie did. I would not even admit that to myself. Then there was Bowie. That had been funny, but I doubt that Eric would like to know it. I had been smart and ruined Bjorn’s life.

I had not been raped but there were things that had happened that were just as bad, and I knew it. Stop, I told myself. It didn’t happen it is gone. I knew it was part denial and part of protecting not just myself but Eric as well. I couldn’t let him carry that knowledge he would just beat himself up over it. That he had taken ten days to get me out of that hell. Eric was quiet the rest of the way home and I was as well. When we got home Noel ran up. “So how did it go? Any problems? What did the doctor say.” I stared at him; I was tired and cranky. “Your brother probably wants to talk to you about everything. If either of you need me, I am going to be in the lounge room eating a bag of chocolate.” I then walked off.

“Kali, I really could use you. Please just talk to me, you are my real lifeline. I know Roxie and Ellen are great, but I need you.” I told my inner wolf in my mind. I waited for a while and felt relief when she spoke. “Lilith congratulations on the babies.” Was that all she had to say? “Kali you can’t keep ignoring me. I know you can’t come out, because I can’t shift right now, but that doesn’t mean you get to cut me out.” She responded. “I know, I just.” I cut her off. “No just or any shit like that. You did what you thought was best, I am not mad, and besides I am practically all healed up. I am home, no one will know the exact things that went on. So, let's just get back to normal. I need to.”

“I told Axel about it all. Like you needed to vent with your friend, I wanted to vent to Axel. He understands.” I was breathing heavy now. “Kali, that was fucking private, now he will tell Eric.” “Lilith, I told him not to.” I wanted to scream. “He will, Eric wants to know, and Axel will give in and tell him, you had no right.” I told my wolf. “I did, I went through that fucking shit to. You have no right to restrict me from healing.” I wanted to punch her if I could. I knew she was upset but this was not like her. Where was her anger, instead she was healing. “You heal better than I do, Lilith. You always have. You know I thrive on anger, but this was just something I had to do for me.”

I responded. “Anything else you want to tell me.” My wolf was silent in my head for a while. “I knew you were pregnant. The babies were not implanted and so I kept shifting, unlike you I was intently listening when Roxie talked to you about all of this.” That was why she wouldn’t let worse things happen. That was why she had forced shifts. “I didn’t want parentage to be in question.” I yelled in my mind at her. “Why didn’t you fucking tell me when we were in that cell.” She again went silent before responding. “I couldn’t tell you; I was putting you through hell. I couldn’t have you thinking about that to. But Lilith it is like you said things have gotten better. It has been a few weeks since we came home, you are doing better now. But I think you need to talk to your mate about it all. I know he wants you to see someone, but I swear if you talk and just let him help you, it will be more effective than going to any therapist.”

She went on, “You know talking to him comes easy, it does because of the mate bond and honestly telling Axel is the only thing that helped. I know Roxie is there for you, but you don’t even go into too much with her. You really only ever opened up to me. You need Eric to move past this. You depend on him for everything else why not just let him help you with this too.” I rolled my eyes. “Kali, when did you become not a maniac?” I heard her laughing in my head. “I don’t know, when you started to get comfortable with the pack, I didn’t really feel the urges as much as I used to. Don’t get me wrong I love when we steal, and I would like it if we did a race. But I don’t know being part of a real family that is generally good people, has helped a lot.”

She was starting to sound like a sap if you ask me. “Hey!” Kali yelled in my head. Obviously not liking that I had called her that. “Look, can’t I just talk to you about it? I mean you were there; I don’t have to say much.” Kali responded. “No, and I hate to be a bitch again and control you and shit, but I am making the call. If you don’t talk to Eric, your fucking mate, who will love you regardless, and who was made for you, then I am not talking to you. If you share and communicate with him. I in turn will start talking to you again.” What a fucking bitch, I thought. But instead of sniping at me Kali was silent. Fucking hell she was stubborn and bossy.

I mind linked Eric. “Hey, I am the bonus room could you come here please.” I asked. God, this was fucking pathetic. I missed Kali so much it was painful. I always had felt at odds with her. She had been nasty and vain. A downright psycho really, but not having her in my head felt worse than dealing with her mood swings. I couldn’t stand it. I thought the worst Bowie would have done is taken my dignity and given pain. But he did worse, he pushed my wolf from me. That couldn’t happen, as much as I hated her at times, I also loved Kali.

I sat there waiting for Eric. I tried to think of what to start with. Maybe a joke? Isn’t that how you diffuse a situation. Oh, maybe start with what I did to Bjorn, that was fucking hilarious, I chuckled. But also, probably not going to make Eric feel particularly good considering everything. I even wondered why Bowie had let Bjorn have any kind of claim on me, he had always been so possessive. He never wanted someone to share. Then it clicked. Eric walked in as I took another chocolate cover peanut and ate it. He looked at me and sat down.

Okay where to start? “Hey, how are you doing?” I said, god this was fucking awkward. He gave me a look of confusion. I took a deep breath. “Okay so I know you want to know what Rob was talking about?” Eric stared at me but didn’t comment. He was calm and wouldn’t push. He really was the best kind of person. “Well, I told you about the truck driver, I can’t see you mad for me killing someone who rapes women.” He nodded, telling me he was fine with that part of the story. “Okay well with Bowie, there was more I didn’t share. He would um how do I say this?” I paused for a while. There was no way to make this delicate, it was just disgusting and there was no way around it.

“He would you know take blood, then try stuff and when that happened. Kali would force a shift. It was painful, well you know. But he would watch and sometimes get off on my pain. Then there was when he would feed, he would touch himself as well.” I was trying not to cry at this point. I told myself to buck up and went on. “Then there were some pictures he took, yeah, I was in and out of it. So, I can’t really tell you much about that. Sometimes I saw a camera when he was getting off or his phone when I was thrashing around shifting. Honestly that part is not particularly all that clear, but I do know he had photos of it and no doubt videos he took.”

Eric looked frozen in place, like straight up horrified. Dam, Kali, I should have never told him. But I had already started so I went on. “About Bjorn, well you know Bowie hosed me down for him then left him in the room, for him. Well, He wanted a blow job. I said no. I could feel Kali under my skin getting restless, she would force another shift, and I knew I couldn’t handle that. So, I pretended to you know give in. So, when he was close and his dick was next to my face, I bit it really hard and he screamed, ripping it away.” I tried not to smile. I knew Eric was not happy that I had a dick in my mouth, but I near ripped that thing off.

“Anyways he ran out of the room. It occurred to me now Bowie would have never let me be with him. He had to know I would pull shit like that, considering Bjorn is or was a human. I don’t know, Rob made it sound like he killed him, so I don’t know. Anyways I cleaned the blood up the best I could from my mouth and well you know the rest.” He looked at me, he didn’t look like he hated me, but I couldn’t tell what he was thinking. After a minute he cracked a smile. “You tried to bite a dick off?” I nodded and he started laughing and I couldn’t help but do it to.

“See I told you it wouldn’t be so bad.” Kali said. She had been right. Eric hugged me and kissed the top of my head. “Thank you for telling me. Also, I will make sure not to piss you off too much, I can’t fucking imagine that.” I snorted. “I like your cock; I have no plans to bite it off.” He continued to hold me for a while. “The other stuff Lilith it is just shit that happened. You survived and it is over now, we can just move on. It is not like you did anything to deserve it.” I sighed there was one more thing I had to tell him, and this would be the hardest.

“Eric there is something else. Not to do with things that actually happened. I think this is what I am most ashamed of about the whole time I was in that cell. I got tired of it, the shifting the pain, the grossness. I wanted to give in, just do what he wanted and be done with fighting it all. I told Kali to just let it happen that I couldn’t take her forcing shifts so often. I told her I would just get over the rape and it would have been better than the pain she was causing me.” There I said it, I had admitted the most shameful thing I had ever done. I couldn’t control myself at this point and I began to sob, I was disgusted in myself.