Chapter 204: It Is Okay If You Don't Forgive Us
Chapter 204: It Is Okay If You Don't Forgive Us
Camilla
I wasn't sleeping, I can't breathe and my body won't let me breathe either. I can't think or talk or speak because I know the second I do something, I am going to shatter. Nancy thought I already did but she was very much wrong.
After what happened at Gregorio's office yesterday, Adriano let me leave but he refused to let me drive. I was pissed he had his driver take me home at the time but looking back, I probably would have caused an accident considering the state I was in. He didn't say anything to me as he opened the car door but he didn't close it even once I was inside.
For a moment, he had just looked at me before tilting my chin yo to meet his eye. I didn't want to but I did, hating to see his tears that mirrored mine.
"It is okay if you never forgive us, if you never want to speak to us again but I will promise you this. Your father will not die even with the past I have had with him."
I knew that promise hurt him to say and even if I didn't want it to, my heart still bled for him at the fact he was willing to give up years worth of work and resources because of me. The truth is that I was mad at my father the most. How can I even look at him again without remembering the way I held Adriano on the anniversary of their mother's death because he couldn't take it anymore?
I was caught in the middle of two incredibly horrible situations but I did know this. If my father, if Lucas Brown intentionally murdered their mother out of revenge, I wouldn't speak to him again.
"Please close the door," I said quietly over my cries but I knew he heard me.
The metal of the car soon became a physical barrier between us but he listened. Now I was here, my hands gripping hard onto the bathroom counter as I stared at my reflection in the mirror. My eyes were a bright blue even more prominent than usual because of the red puffiness of my face. My hair was frizzy from the way I brushed out all of the knots in anger just a few minutes ago but the one thing I couldn't stop from seeing was the way I wouldn't stop pacing.
There was so much about this I still didn't understand but the only people who could give me answers were the people I refused to talk to. If it weren't for Nancy, I don't think I would even be functioning at all right now. If you can still call this function.
Domenico has stopped texting me but I knew Gregorio was still outside. For what reason, however, I don't know. On top of that, it was impossible to not feel on edge with everything around me so broken. While I don't believe my father is foolish enough to be caught off guard at his own event, thoughts of if he was okay invaded my mind again and again. Things can always go wrong, just as they are ever changing. The world is cruel like that and half of the time you just have to hold on and pray for what you can.
Unfortunately, I wasn't in one of those moods. Waiting has made me restless and even though I thought I might pass out from the food I haven't eaten, I knew one thing. I need out. Turning on the bathroom sink, I repeatedly splashed icy cold water over my face as though the nip of it would dull the nagging ache in my heart. It didn't but at least I was a little more awake than a few seconds ago. Drying my skin harshly with a face cloth, I tossed the material onto the counter as I spun away and slowly dragged my feet back towards my bedroom.
I had to force down my dizziness with each tired step but I think I just needed to get out of here for a while, to get away from them. Everything and I truly mean everything hurts. I couldn't even breathe in my lungs burning with the same sense of loss I feel in my heart. So I needed to leave. But there was still one person I had to speak to and I prayed with every part of me that she wasn't in on this too. That discovery would be like the last tap to a web of breaking glass that caused everything to fall apart but if I am being honest, I feared I was already there.
"Camilla?" I heard Nancy's soft knock at my door, probably having heard me getting up for the first time in hours.
"You can come in," I responded but I didn't even recognize the sound of my own voice layered with so much of everything I didn't want.
Instantly, my door opened and a slow and hesitant entrance but one nonetheless. Her eyes were on me or more so the fact I was actually out of bed. In her hand was a large cup of coffee and if the circumstances were any different, I would have smiled at the sight. She can't even stand the smell, so I knew she had to be really concerned about me to make it anyways.
"Hey," she said as she took a step into the room, looking to find me rummaging through my clothes and failing to actually choose something to change into.
I watch absently as she sets the mug down on my bedside table, my eyes catching on my alarm clock beside it and the time showing five in the evening. I hadn't even realized how late it was.
"Thank you," I nodded appreciatively but I hope she knows that I am thanking her for so much more than the coffee.
She has been more of a friend to me than I could ever ask for and I am going to miss her so damn much when I leave. The truth of the fact is that Gregorio was right about one thing, I wasn't safe here anymore. I wasn't going to live off of them in one of their safe houses and staying here in a house surrounded by guards twenty-four hours per day isn't realistic either. The only way out was taking that part of my father within me and hiding until not even Adriano's tracking could find me.
I don't know what to do but I wasn't ready to see them yet just as I was nowhere near ready to say goodbye. And yet, I still feared that was the only option I would soon have left.
*****
A weird sense of deja Vu filled me as my hand grasped onto the steel handle of the coffee shop, opening the door for what could very well possibly be the last time. The familiar fresh smell of baked goods welcomed me with my first step in but even that just didn't feel the same this time around.
Gregorio was gone when I left Nancy's house to come here and I was still deciding whether or not it's a relief or yet another thing to stress me out. I am still waiting for that moment when everything falls apart from beneath me and I wondered if the way Susan's eyes met mine would be that tipping point. With my walls up, I watched as the older woman tensed, her gaze assessing before tension lined the soft wrinkles across her forehead.
Whispering a hurried sentence to the employee I have come to know as her assistant, he nodded once before taking over what she has just been doing. I couldn't tell if her reaction was because I visibly looked like hell or because she had been expecting me but I suspected I was about to find out.
"Who do I need to pay a visit for this?"
That was the first thing she said once she had rounded the counter, not paying any mind to the fact we were surrounded by customers. A few of which definitely heard the threat in her tone. It was so normal I felt, if only for a second I could breathe again without the weight of everything else around me. When all I was able to do was shake my head and pray she would understand, she gently yet firmly gripped onto my forearm until she was leading us away to the back.
There it would be quiet and like everything else, I found myself wondering if it was a blessing or a curse. Nothing was spoken when she opened the door to the same storage room I had helped her organize a mere week ago but I suddenly hated the silence that came with it.
"Are you hurt?" She asked after a small stretch of time, her eyes flicking over my face down to the clothes Nancy had to pick out for me since I couldn't do it myself.
She has been everything I have never and more but we both knew why I needed to leave. Susan was my last goodbye for them and it was taking everything in me to formulate an audible response.
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