Chapter 83 Childhood

(William's POV)
At an early age, I knew I was in a special position.
I rarely see my father, it's like he doesn't even exist.
My father was absent from my childhood, but at that time, because I was young, I could ask my mother where my father was.
I always saw my mother alone with her sad face.
Although we lived in a big house with servants around us, we were not happy with our lives. At least not as happy as it seemed.
Many years ago, I was forced to learn to know how to behave.
The first thing my mother gave me was to learn to hold back.
I am in a special position and I have to learn to be humble.
Even though I've never met Raphael.
When I was twelve years old, I went back to my real home for the first time.
My mother was happy for a long time, and she showed me the new house. At that time, there was nothing I needed to care about, I just wanted my mother to be happy.
However, the relationship did not last.
My father didn't like me, and I knew, even when my mother said I was thinking too much, that I could feel that my father was cold to me.
That's not the worst of it.
I look up to my father simply because my mother told me that I had to.
It seems to be my duty to respect and praise my father like everyone else.
But, I know that he is not very important.
What affected me was never this cold home, nor my father's indifference or my mother's subservience, but because of Raphael.
"This is your brother, William." My mother introduced me to Rafael.
I looked at him, and those eyes were full of contempt, just like mine.
However, I still kept my smile.
This is what my mother spent the first half of my life teaching me, that I had to bow down to Raphael, to my illegitimacy.
I had to treat Rafael with enough respect that only then could I stay on.
I offered my hand to Raphael, the noble-born Raphael who wouldn't even look at me more than once.
He ignored my presence.
I can't give up pleasing Raphael.
Because my mother wanted to stay at Hill's. She knew that the only way my mother could continue to live was to get Rafael to agree.
My mother hugged me and cried as she pleaded with me to do something.
However, my mother did not know that all my efforts looked like a joke, and such efforts did not bring the results I wanted.
Raphael has always been cold to me. I wouldn't have hated Raphael if he had been indifferent to my existence.
Because my mother had already told me long ago how ugly I was.
But Rafael humiliated me, humiliated my mother. He verbally abused us at the dinner table and even tried to get my father to throw us out.
"You don't belong here, filth! Go back to where you belong!"
We ended that life and moved back to our previous place again.
But it doesn't end there.
My mother went back as if she was a different person, she was very unstable, and once, she was a gentlewoman.
However, after that, she started drinking all day long, and when she got drunk, she would scold me like crazy.
She questioned me why I was so useless, why I couldn't even do this favor for her.
When she was done venting, she would again hug me tightly and apologize, and eventually say something silly.
She asked me why her father didn't come to see her, why he had loved her so much but still left her behind.
Yes, my mother didn't need money at all, the only thing she wanted was a name, to be my father's real wife, not to live in the dark.
I was disgusted with their love.
But she was still my mother, and I endured everything unconditionally, trying my best to maintain a normal life.
I have long been numb inside such a life.
The world seems to have run out of things I like.
Mother then became silent, she stopped hanging on to her love and instead wished I could have fought over the Hill family fortune.
Maybe she has gone crazy.
The only solace in life was my studies, and I studied desperately, hoping to find an alternative path, but soon I realized it was impossible.
My father eventually announced my existence.
Yes, I am his illegitimate son. However, it is just his illegitimate son, nothing else has changed at all.
Rafael is still targeting me at every turn, he wants me to get the hell out, and so do I, but reality doesn't work out the way I want it to.
When I thought that my life was going to end like this, I saw the light in my life.
That night, I fought off the group of punks who tried to hurt Lena, and the moment Lena looked at me, I knew I had fallen completely.
The love that I once loathed has finally found me.
I understood how my mother felt, but she and I were not the same because I had more hope than she did.
At least at first.
However, I did not expect that Raphael would hinder me again.
I didn't care what kind of past Lena had, I just wanted to be with her and live out the rest of my life in peace. However, this simple wish was not met in any way.
Raphael stepped in front of me, and he tried to snatch Lena from my side.
I won't let him do that.
Lena's resistance pained me, but I knew that I could not stop, and once I showed hesitation, Lena would escape.
But why can't Lena fall in love with me?
Status? Status?
These don't matter in the first place, do they?
I know Lena doesn't care about this at all, but I prefer to believe that Lena does care about this. This is so that I can deceive myself.
All past experiences become clear.
Rafael never wanted to leave me alone, he wanted to push me into a corner and I would not let him.
But it was all a fantasy of mine, like the fantasy my mother once had about my father, that neither of us would ever get what we wanted.
Because that's how fate, or anything else, works.
The moment Raphael's fist landed on my cheek, I even had a feeling of relief.
Yes, at this moment I no longer have any identity, and so does Rafael, and I am just William, we both want to get the person we like the most and can give everything we have for her.
I tried to stand up with all my might, but it was still a waste of effort.
Lena's gaze is what crushed me.
I never feared Rafael, but I feared Lena.
I was afraid of becoming my mother, and I feared being abandoned by someone I liked.
The only weapon I had was my disguise, and even if Lena didn't love me, she shouldn't love Rafael for that matter. But my anger had no effect.
Lena no longer trusts me.
That's where it all ends.
I lost very thoroughly.
I watched them leave and didn't look back for a long time. When they left, I fell to the ground again.
I rolled my body hard and looked at the ceiling, my gaze eventually relaxed.
I closed my eyes tightly, took a deep breath, and then, I stood up.
There was still red blood on the floor, and my rose had wilted, it fell lifelessly to the floor, and the only safe thing was the ring inside my pocket.
I slipped the ring out and even kissed the ring with some sadness.
If all goes well, I should give this kiss to Lena.
But it doesn't even matter now.
I pushed the door open and walked out, and the situation outside seemed very bad.
The evening seemed to be over and many people were walking out.
Those who saw my appearance were taken aback, of course, and some women had even screamed out.
I felt annoyed, but, more than anything else, indifferent.
I don't even care what people think, and I don't want the Hill family fortune, I just want Lena.
Yes, I only want Lena for myself.
But now, the thought that could sustain me to live also no longer exists.
I didn't know exactly how far I had come, and by the time I came back to my senses, I didn't know exactly where I was.
As I walked past a store, I saw my wretched appearance through the glass in the window.
Fortunately, it is now night, there are not many people on the street, and, the light is not good, or I may be arrested directly by the police.
Because it's just too much like a crazy person.
I sighed and finally decided to go back for now.
The cold wind of the night has restored some of my sanity.
I wish I could sleep and wake up tomorrow and nothing of today had happened.
I called a cab and was not offended by the curious gawking of the most party.
I even took this as an opportunity to vent my emotions and exaggerate the whole story of my relationship with Lena, which of course, ended in regret.
I was happy because the driver was very sympathetic to what I was going through. He even cursed Rafael severely when he was unaware of the situation.
This has been a great relief to me. I feel better, but, I know it's just an illusion.
I was about to break down.
When I got home, I cried out directly without any shame, and ten minutes later, I went into the bathroom and took a shower. After I got out, I swore the past had nothing to do with me and I calmed down.
At least that's what it looks like.
However, when I picked up the phone, I saw a missed call on the screen.
And, it was all from Rachel calling.
My brow furrowed and my gut told me it wasn't as simple as I thought, so I dialed the number back.
Rachel quickly got on the phone with me.