Pain
Aziel's POV
I meant what I said that night.
The debacle of my children, the rape, the kidnapping of Loraine and everything that happened after that could have been prevented if I had been more alert. It's all my fault, period!
And that Fellogan keeps peddling it in the press, he’s on a mission. I hardly dared to look Loraine in the eye for the past few weeks at home. She noticed the change in me, I see that she suffers a lot. Late at night I even hear her crying next to me in bed.
After my confession, everything in the house has changed.
Even Lorrich sensed it, he was having a hard time dealing with the changed atmosphere. Andre has come a few times to persuade me to discuss what is troubling me. But I'm not ready to talk about it yet, I have to come to terms with myself first.
I feel Loraine's pain, but there's nothing I can do to ease it now. She's mentally too far away from me. We hardly communicate, just sitting at the dinner table like zombies without saying anything. In the evening we watch TV in silence again until one of us leaves to go to bed. In the mornings, we drive to work in separate cars. Yes, Loraine has returned to work, finalizing the partnership with the Fellogans. That is also something that pains me terribly, I hide my jealousy because I know that Dordrich is trying to win her over now more than ever.
After that terrible news report, Fellogan hasn't stopped driving a wedge in my relationship. Loraine stays at work longer than usual, she no longer calls me between work hours. And if anything in the media about the Fellogan Holding comes into the picture, I see Loraine standing next to Fellogan, though she is at an appropriate distance from him and has a businesslike demeanor. But she does nothing to correct the media reports, which Fellogan takes as a sign to continue pumping misinformation about our relationship into the society.
This whole situation is not good for Lorrich.
Fortunately Andre realized it and took the boy into his home. Lorrich became really unmanageable, started fights at school, was brutal to the teacher and didn't want to participate in school at all. Andre has managed to get him to be homeschooled for a month, thus getting a dispensation from school until he calms down completely.
My relationship is at a dead end.
I expect Loraine to come to me at any time with the request to break up. My heart beats hard when I think of the impending doom, but mentally I have nothing to avert it.
I'm so done with this situation.
I'm a man; if the relationship doesn't work out, then I have to face the consequences. It's time for me to act, we can't go on like this. We are a dysfunctional family, which only means misery for all parties.
Today I leave work early. I grab a suitcase from the walk-in closet and fill it with mostly casual clothes when I'm home. I check whether all the necessary documents are in my bag and walk to the kitchen. I sit at the dinner table with pen and paper, not sure what to write in the message for Loraine. Should I mention that I still love her very much? That the pain in my heart is unbearable? That I hate Fellogan around her? That I want to hold her in my arms again? That the death of our children is still difficult to cope with?
There's actually so much I'd like to say to her, but words fail me. For the first time in my life I'm lost with words, I don't know where to start a letter to my love.
I don't want to lose Loraine, but we can't live in the same house like this. It hurts too much.
In the end it’s 'I Love You. Take good care of yourself.
I kiss the note and put it on the table for her to see it as soon as she walks in. With one last look at the house I have so many memories of, I close the door behind me. To attract as little attention as possible, I choose the SUV. I throw my suitcase in the trunk and jump behind the wheel. Slowly I drive up the highway.
Once I've blended in the traffic, I pick up the speed, further increasing the distance with Loraine. A large lump forms in my throat. I wonder how I will get through the time ahead without my angel. But if this is what's best for us, then I have to give her all the space to choose for herself.
I drive ahead without a destination. I leave it entirely to fate to get me where I need to be. My plan is to keep moving until I get tired, then I'll see where I've arrived. I can spend long hours behind the wheel in the state I am now without seeing anything of my surroundings.
My mind is still blank when I drive into Virginia after five hours. It's almost midnight, I don't feel the need to meet people right now. I head to the beach and park as close as possible. The sea has a soothing impact on me, finally, I can relax a bit. But I don't give my emotions a chance to make me feel the consequences of my decision to leave. No, I need to be strong.
After sitting there lonely and burdened for about two hours, I ignite the car to look for a hotel. It is not difficult to find a good one on the beachfront. I park in the designated parking lane, take my suitcase from the back and walk towards the receptionist. I manage to get a president suite for a week.
When I get to my room, I throw the suitcase on the bed and go straight into the bath. Anything but letting my emotion run wild. I have everything under control, pain, sadness, fear, guilt.
For the time being...
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