Chapter 102: Vengeful Mourning

I grimaced when she found the courage to speak of the darkness that lies in my heart. I was hoping that she’d chicken out. Nonetheless, I wasn’t about to burden her with the vile things going on in my corrupt skull. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Just take me back already.”

Amy kept her eyes fixed on the road this time. I could tell that she lost the nerve to look at me any longer, but she still did her best to reach out to me with her words, as always, trying her hardest to pull me out of the dark. “You know you can talk to me, right? Or to Isabella? I know you’re hurting, Suki, I’m hurting too. We’re all hurting! I just… I just don’t want you to do something that’ll destroy your life. And it’ll destroy whatever progress you were trying to make up for leaving your mom… you’ll just be leaving her again. Leaving her under the same roof with the twins at that.”

I flinched and glared out the window. She had me stuck there, and she was right. If I did get caught for murder, then I’d be leaving my mother’s side for the second time. I trusted Gabriel to take care of her in my absence, but… I don’t think he has the strength to turn his back on his own children. Maybe it's because I grew up with doting, loving parents who would do anything for me. It was hard for me to see a parent mistreat their child. It’s not possible… not in this world. Right?

Julian’s story with his mother, who stopped loving them and left for another man, told me a different story. It reminded me that this world is far crueler than I thought it was. It made the west-side look pretty.

“Sukia,” Amy spoke my name in an attempt to get a reaction out of me this time but my lips pursed and jaw clutched, unsure what to say or how to respond at all. She knew what I had planned on doing and now I’m aware of the sacrifices I would have to make to see it through. But I was already hellbent on getting vengeance. Jack was murdered! I can’t just leave it in the shitty law enforcers’ hands!

“Amy…” I finally breathed out her name as if I had been holding my breath the entire time. “I’m tired. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

I looked in the window’s reflection again, ignoring the passing mansions as I focused on her again. Her lips creased in a sad frown, her eyes glistened as if she were about to cry again. Even her voice cracked with her shaky inhale. “... I understand. I love you, Suki.”

There was that familiar feeling that felt like a knife stabbing my heart with words alone. I hated it so much when people told me those words. I’m not worthy of love. Why would you love trash like me?

My heart continued to twist in pain as Amy drove us through the front gates that led onto the property–silver gates shined brighter than ever. How ironic, since the last time I drove through these gates, it was with Jack.

*And Jackie is gone now…*

As Amy pulled to a stop in front of the stairway, it was no surprise to see my mother walking out first, likely noticing Amy’s car and coming to say hi. She must’ve just got done washing dishes or stopped in the middle of it because she was still drying her hands on a washcloth when she stepped out the door and likely had forgotten about it being in her hands.

“Amy!” she greeted her with her bright green eyes sparkling as always. I stayed in the car as Amy got out. I’d rather not be the one to break the news. Though I couldn’t make out the words being said, I could still hear the sadness in Amy’s tone. The sparkle in my mother’s eyes darkened into an endless pit of despair, the look I’ve been dreading to see ever since we reunited. The same look that she wore on her face every day and every night after Dad died. Mom was gradually getting acquainted with the men that I grew up with on the west-side’s streets, gratefully wanting to get to know the people who took care of her homeless daughter. Though she wasn’t as familiar with them as Amy was, it was still a shock that the youngest of the trio was killed.

“She’s pretty rattled.” Amy’s words were barely audible. My mom was silent. After their brief word exchange, my mother’s saddened gaze turned to me while Amy walked over to my door and opened it for me. When she opened it up for me, she gave me one of her sweet smiles that she’d give when trying to cheer my moody ass up. Usually, it worked. But not this time. “Come on, Suki. Your mom is waiting.”

I didn’t expect my body to be so weak after my moment of darkest despair, something I haven’t felt in forever. It felt just like the sting of the tears. It all felt foreign to me. My knees felt a little numb and my body felt heavy, but all of it was washed away the moment I was embraced in my mother’s arms.

“Oh, my baby girl. I’m so, so sorry.” Her voice melted between grieving and worry that felt like a snowy storm, but her body felt warm. As much as I was thankful to her, one thought still crossed my mind;

*Dad’s hugs felt a lot better… maybe it's because he was so much bigger than us?*

I leaned my head down on her shoulder as Amy rubbed my back and then spoke to my mom. “I’ll be going now. Take care, Isabella.”

“Let me know if you hear anything else.” her sadness sounded forcefully firm, doing her best to stay strong as she stroked my hair. Before I knew it, I heard Amy’s car start up and it felt like a nightmare was following the smoke of her car exhaust, letting me wake up to a better reality. Unfortunately, unlike some people, I may beg for denial, but the false comfort blanket never reaches my cold shoulders.

When Mom took me into the mansion, it was surprisingly quiet. I don’t think she prepared this ahead of time. It was too short a notice. The only explanation I could think of was that everybody went their separate ways after having round stomachs filled with my mother’s excessive cooking. Around this time, Gabriel would be in his office, anyway. Grace was doing fuck all and Julian… well, I didn’t know, but I’m glad he wasn’t here, though part of me believed he was watching me from afar.

As soon as we got to my room, Mom released my hand. “Honey… about Jack. I heard you both were close. I…” the rest of what my mother said blurred and faded off into the background began to spin without warning. Nausea hit me like a punch in the stomach and I dashed into the bathroom, almost tumbling over my own unsteady feet. “Sukia?!” she hurried after me when she heard me puking up my guts. Again.

*FUCK!*

I couldn’t believe how much stress was starting to take a toll on my body. I’m NEVER stressed! I make the people around me stressed! Not the other way around!! When did it all go wrong?! Everything is wrong–nothing is right!

*Julian… he’s the reason I’m all stressed out in the first place!* Even though I told myself that, my obsessive stepbrother was nowhere near as stressful as Jack’s death. The thundering storm in my mind faded and shined blinded rays from daylight’s purity, the source of it being my mother’s gentle touch on my shuddering back.

The rustling sound of a plastic bag caught my attention, and I saw her pull out a thin box. It had the image of a couple of plastic sticks on it, stuff I had seen before but never used. I squinted at her with blurred eyes. “Is that a fucking *pregnancy test?*”

“I bought it after you left.” she gives me an apologetic smile. “I know you don’t believe in intuition and stuff, but a mother still knows their child best. You don’t have to now or anytime soon.” She laid the box on the counter before reaching her hand down to me. “Come here, honey. Don’t think I haven’t noticed the rings beneath your eyes again. Rest now, I’ll stay with you. Alright?”

I had originally planned on sitting next to the toilet for the rest of the day where I belonged, puking out what was left of my soul. But her words, smile, and warm eyes said that she still had faith in me. I took her hand.