Chapter 55: A Voiceless Goodbye

I said nothing more to Grace as I left the property. By the time I made it to Jack’s car, we had heard the deafening sirens of firetrucks flying into the driveway and hurrying to the wild blaze that was too far gone to be saved.

As soon as I got into Jack’s car like a normal human being instead of leaping through the window, he stared at me with the widest eyes I’ve ever seen him make. He looked over to the firetrucks, and then the smoke, and finally back to me. “What the fuck just happened!? Sukia??”

“Just shut up and fucking drive, Jack…” My voice would usually hold intense heat to my annoyance but this time my voice was barely hearable as I stared out my window, keeping my head completely turned away from him.

Jack quickly got to the point that I needed space so he sealed his mouth shut, started up his car with a smoky fart from his engine, and we drove away. I didn’t care where, I just wanted to be far away from this place. I was being swallowed and suffocated by an emotion I had never felt before. And if I had, I can’t remember it ever feeling this strong.

Pure shame.

I watched as the fancy mansions of the wealthy folks on this side of the city slowly turned into run-down stores, abandoned houses, and homeless thugs dressed in rags walking the streets in groups like wolfpacks. I used to feel excitement when I came back to the side of the city that I called home. But now? All I felt was something bittersweet that shattered whatever happiness I felt in my heart.

I didn’t even notice Jack parked us in front of Amy’s apartment instead of our gang’s territory until he turned off his car. The motor was always so loud that you could barely hear your own thoughts. But even as we were left in silence, I still didn’t look at Jack as he leaned over and touched my shoulder.

“Sukia… will you talk to me? Please?” he murmured with a hint of pleading in his voice. I didn’t even have to see the look on his face to know that he was dying to help me in any way he could. “Did you start that fire back there? Why?”

My first response was silence. There was nothing he could do to help my situation and the damage was done. But I could practically feel the waves of emotion emanating from him to the point I had no choice but to ease his pain so that he didn’t feel as bad as mine. “...This has nothing to do with you, Jackie. So mind your own business. Please…” my hostile words sounded emotionless.

Jack knew me well enough that I wasn’t going to budge and it was pointless to pressure me further since it’d only make me feel worse. He leaned back in his seat with a resisted sigh and rubbed his eyes. “I brought you to Amy’s place. I figured being in her apartment instead of some sticky alleys would be more comfortable for you.”

My jaw clutched as I shot him a glare in the corner of my eye. “Tryin’ to transition me from that comfy, rich fucks life?”

“N– no! It’s not like that! I–” his panicked words quieted down into a soft murmur as he looked me up and down. “You just look really tired, Suki. I only want what’s best for you because…” he looked away sheepishly before reaching his hand over and brushing some of my dark, curly hair behind my ear. “I care about you, Suki.”

When I looked into Jack’s eyes, I saw the same look in them that Liam would give me. All of these romantic feelings in the air didn’t exactly help my mental state either, tredding in unfamiliar territory always made me uneasy whether it was a different neighborhood or a faceless stranger walking behind me. And then, of all things, Julian crossed my mind again. I instantly wondered where was he at during the chaotic mess, let alone his whereabouts all day.

*It doesn’t matter anymore anyway. Fuck him too.*

Snapping out of my thoughts, I turned away from Jack again. I would’ve given my normal sass saying ‘just mind your own business’ and telling him I’m fine but it felt like my fire was left back in the rose garden. I mumbled under my breath which sounded more like a whisper. “...Don’t contact me for a while, Jackie.”

Jack flinched and I could tell that those simple, handful of words really stabbed through him but he gave me a simple nod and turned his head away. “I understand… I hope you feel better soon.” he gripped my hand tightly that I had lying on my lap. “I’ll always be here for you and I will always, always, have your back and be in your corner. That’s a promise.” after his loyal vow he released my hand.

I glanced back over to Jack one last time and he gave me a crooked smile as soon as I did. Maybe if I was a different woman then we might’ve had something between us. Without giving him a response, I got out of his car and went up to Amy’s apartment. Before I even knocked on the door she swung it open with wide eyes full of tears and hugged me tightly, almost knocking the both of us over.

“Ow– what the hell, Amy?” I gave a bit of a snap once I regained my footing.

“Jack told me what happened– were you in a fire!?”

*Of course, he fucking did.*

“What? No! I… it’s a long story.” I ran my fingers through the roots of my hair with my dull gaze on the ground. Amy watched Jack drive off before taking me into her apartment and locking the door like usual since it was still close to the west-side.

“Suki…” Amy murmured my name while sitting me down, the worry never leaving her eyes. “I’m your best friend. Please, for once in your life, will you at least open up for me?”

I grimaced as I watched the woman I had been friends with since our tiny single digits. I didn’t go see a therapist for a reason. Because I hated opening up, it felt as if I were leaving myself vulnerable. Something that I hated with a passion and sore I’d never let myself feel again after my father’s death. But at the same time, I didn’t know what to do. I felt awful for breaking my promise to my mother and destroying one of Gabriel’s prized possessions, not to mention Mom was in love with the damn flowers too.

*All of that because of… Fuck. I really don’t know what the fuck to do. I can’t just leave things as they are! But what the fuck am I supposed to do!?*

I needed answers. Advice. The only person I could turn to was Amy, but at the same time, I was afraid of what she’d think of me. There are few people in this world whose opinions matter the most to me. One of them was, of course, my mom. The other was the woman who had been by my side since day one, sitting on the floor right in front of me as I pathetically hunched on her sofa that I had slept on a hundred times.

It was hard to make eye contact but I still managed to use my voice. “...I don’t know, Amy. I really fucked up this time. You’ll think I’m just as fucked up. Fuck, *I* know I’m more fucked up than I’ve ever been before.”

“Wow. It must be pretty serious since you’ve been saying the F word quite a bit.” Amy gave me a teasing smile. “I’m listening, Suki. Tell me.”

I rubbed the back of my neck nervously as I could feel myself sweat. I wasn’t the type of person that ever got nervous and yet at the moment I was scared to death. What if I lose her??

*No, I just need to trust her…*

I knew that was one of my major issues – trust issues. But now, more than ever, I needed to break past my mental barriers. Taking in a deep breath, I finally laid out what was swirling inside of me.

“It’s the goddamned twins… it has to do with my step-brother and step-sister.”