Chapter 88: Bitter Cold

Fire.

Is this fire?

It’s hard to tell… I don’t know. I’m in the void but I feel…

Cold. Is this what it feels like to be a corpse? Am I dead? When did I die? I can’t remember…

Did somebody finally complete their vendetta against me?

I hope so…

I’m the villain, after all. And that’s all I’ll ever be. I’ll never improve. I’ll never be a better person. I’ll never be someone my parents can be proud of. I’ll never be worth somebody’s kindness. I’ll never be good enough. I’ll never be able to redeem myself. I’ll never know the life of “peace” because I don’t deserve it. Because I’m not a good person. I’m a bad person. I’m an awful person. I’m a corrupt person. I’m a lost cause. I’m not worth anybody’s hope. Not worthy of anybody’s compassion. Not worthy of anybody’s love.

Right…? Hah… wishful thinking…

Each time I blink, nothing changes. Eye closed or open, all I see is the black void that I get lost in every time. The only way I can tell the difference is by the feeling of my skin.

But where’s the fire? Fuck… it’s so fucking cold. There’s nothing to run from, nothing to hurt me. And yet… why am I so anxious? Is this… fear? What am I afraid of?

Suddenly my cooling body felt as if it were under pressure and it was getting harder to move. Alarmed, I try to fight back against my restrictions. It felt as if I were stuck and slowed by something. Water? Slime? All I could see is this damned void. It was as if the vast black had taken a physical form. I felt it slowly slide up my body and up to my neck, soon swallowing my chin and dangerously working its way up higher. “No!” I’m finally able to make a noise but it's the only thing I can scream before my mouth is covered in the pressure. Within a second so was the rest of my head. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t move. My strength fades by the second.

*I’m not done yet!*

I fought back, struggling against the cold force that slowed my body. I could feel a weight on my head, keeping me in place. Right as my lungs threatened to burst from no air, I felt freedom above my head and a solidness in the void beneath my feet. At that second, the void dissolved into something blurry that stung my eyes.

*Water…??*

With newly found strength, I kicked my way up, springing from the icy water and gasping for air. Frantically wiping my eyes so that I could see my surroundings, I saw that I was in a bathroom. My bathroom? I couldn’t even tell, I was still trying to calm down.

A nearby movement made me finally notice the person who had been standing next to me all along. I practically jumped out of my skin when I saw who it was.

“Jesus fucking Christ—Julian!! What the fuck are you doing?! Did you—” I looked around, taking in the details that I was naked in a bathtub with water cold enough it left my body shivering with goosebumps. My eyeballs felt like they were burning alive because of the bubbles and I could taste nauseating soap in my mouth. And—the best part—I was in his fucking bathroom. “Did you fucking dunk me underwater?! You crazy fucker, I almost DROWNED!! Why did you do that?!”

“You’re not burning, are you?” his voice was that usual gentle murmur he always gave me when he was showing me affection. Julian grabbed my trembling arm and slowly slid his warm hand up to mine, the trail erasing the goosebumps while leaning down and kissing my wrist. “You fell asleep and last time you woke up you were burning up. I was trying to keep you cool until you woke up.”

“Cool? Julian, my nipples are never this perky. I’m shaking like a leaf. This is not cool, this is fucking ICE!” my raised voice vibrated with chattering teeth, yanking my wrist free. “Too much. Too fucking much.”

“I’m sorry. I guess it is a little cold, huh?” he casually responded, unphased by my hostility, while twirling his finger in the freezing water as if it didn’t affect him. Or maybe he was ignoring it on purpose?

“Julian.” my tone turned serious as I recalled the details from my dream. “Did you hold me underwater?”

Julian stopped playing with the bubbles but still gave me that affectionate smile of his. “…Only for a second.”

I stared at him in disbelief. What part of putting a sleeping person in freezing water and holding them underwater sounded ok to him?!

“Just get out. Get the fuck out.” My words were growled through my chattering teeth as I hugged myself tightly for warmth. Julian’s beautiful blue eyes dimmed but he didn’t protest as he stood up and left. It may have been his bathroom, but thankfully he didn’t care when it came to my words.

I quickly stood up and stepped out of the water, my body shaking violently when my wet skin was exposed to equally cold air.

*What the fuck? Is the AC on?!*

I could feel a tickle in my nose that resulted in one of my squeaky sneezes. Fuck! Stupid bastard, I’m gonna get sick! Does he really lack that much common sense?! My grind teeth out of freezing fury melted into a heavy stone sinking into the depths of my stomach.

*No. He doesn’t.*

I give my head a rough shake in an attempt to toss the dreadful thoughts outta my ears. I didn’t want to wonder what Julian’s intentions were about purposely getting me sick. Just thinking about the thoughts alone made me nauseous. I even tried telling myself that I’m overthinking shit.

*That’s right. I’m just overthinking. Overthinking. Me and my silly dilly brain. Overthinking. Yup. Get your shit together, Suki. Fuckin’ overthinker.*

I did know one thing was a fact, however. I had undoubtedly felt a pressure on my forehead that was holding me down to the bottom of the tub. The throbbing on the back of my head was enough to tell me how roughly my skull was being shoved against the bottom of the hard tub. It made the sickening feeling in my stomach grow. The man had always handled me with gentle care.

*Yet again…*

The memories of each time he grabbed me and forced me along crossed my mind. A grip like handcuffs with the force of a car, being harshly yanked and knowing that you don’t have the strength to stop the momentum. It made me feel like a doll being played with too roughly, threads threatening to rip.

*Fuuuuck...*

I didn’t know what to do. For the moment I looked through the cabinets, and no surprise, his towels were kept in the same place I kept mine. How fucking ironic.

Once again, Elena’s murder crossed my mind. Do I confront him about it? Do I ask him if he knew anything? Or should I just straight up tell him that he’s sussy as fuck? As much as I wanted to, the thoughts of him hurting me or purposely getting me sick made me hesitant to even speak to him at all.

After drying off my body, I tossed the wet towel to the side and quickly grabbed two more. My body was still shaking out of control and I tried to use the two towels to cover up my body like a housecoat to the best of my ability. I expected him to be right there the moment I stepped out of the bathroom, but, to my surprise, he was gone. I peeked all around the room, but he had left his bedroom already. Damn. I looked around his room further to see if I could find my clothes. Nothing. Double damn. This time when I looked around his room, I did it out of the sure nosiness of my cat-like curiosity. The first place I checked was his nightstand, the same one I had found the dog collar in. I guess Julian must’ve learned his lesson last time. But my suspicion never faded. Boyfriend. Stepbrother. I didn’t know him as well as I thought I did. I didn’t know he well of an actor he was, let alone a fucking genius.

*Is he really not hiding anything this time? Maybe I do need to put more trust in him… he just does stupid ass shit when he KNOWS I have fucking trust issues.*

I heaved a sigh and slapped my forehead before cursing under my breath. But I wasn’t satisfied. Let's get creative. What would my crazy ass do? …

Getting down on my knees, I crawled under his bed. Instead of looking around, I looked up. Within the bedspring’s cloth, I see something hanging.

*The fuck is that?*