Chapter 61: Unrestrained Desire

“Asshole! What gives??” I spitfire my curses out of sheer habit and, you’d think I’d realize that’s pointless anymore because Julian didn’t seem phased by my attitude in the slightest.

By instinct I took steps backward as he approached me with another look in his eyes that I couldn’t define yet somehow they didn’t match the words he began to say, at least not as with much honesty.

“I’ve been thinking about what you said in the car… I can’t stop wondering what you meant when you said it’s fine.”

*You’ve been thinking about that this entire time? Fucking weirdo, I’m already having regrets. I kept my inner thoughts inside my head. I usually would’ve snapped them without second thought but I always felt compelled to hear what he had to say to me.*

“If you really are fine with my feelings for you then…” he took steps closer towards me and though I started to take backward steps at the same time, my pathway came to an end when I felt my calves hit my bedside, resulting in me losing my balance and sitting with a flop on my bed. Julian wasted no time as he came closer and leaned over me, making me have no choice but to lean back on my bed if I wanted to keep the distance between us. “If you’re fine with my feelings for you then will you be fine with what I desire from you?”

“Desire? Fuck, Julian, what the fuck could you even want to desire? You already forgot you took everything? Including my pride!?”

My stepbrother leaned down further where I was forced to lay on my back. My body stiffened and a chill ran down my spine when I felt his big hand snake up my tank top and rest on my stomach. “Everything but one.”

A startled gasp escaped me as I kicked him away from me and I covered my stomach. “You really are outta your motherfuckin’ mind if you’re talking about what I think you are!”

“I meant what I said at dinner.” he either didn’t hear or didn’t care about my question as he continued. “If I could have it my way, I’d marry y–”

“SHUT UP. Just shut the fuck UP!” my scream was unrestrained and was likely heard rooms away. This felt like deja vu again – back when I was driving us home and he was confused that he had feelings for me for the first time. My shout left me breathless to the point my breath shook as I tried to speak. “Did you seriously already forget what I told you last time!?”

Julian flinched and looked away, that blue fire in his eyes turning into a kicked puppy again and again. He was silent for a moment as if he were trying to gather his thoughts but his expression turned more and more confused until his gaze finally met my own. “Are you only rejecting me for your mother’s sake… or because of your personal feelings?”

“What??” I snapped hotheadedly. It was my first reaction out of habit. But when I stopped and thought about it, for the first time I actually questioned myself on the matter.

*Personal feelings?*

It was true, the thought did unsettle me. Maybe it was because I was an only child all of my life and I wanted to make my mother proud but in the end, I only ended up drowning myself in guilt by sleeping with the man that she was beginning to call her son.

*Is it really guilt?*

I shook my head in refusal, I’d be damned if I swayed my resolve that easily. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. My mom comes first. I don’t have any *personal feelings* about this. Do you know what I think this is? Just a buncha *bullshit*.” I turned my head away from him sharply. “You’re being obsessive again, Julian. Just leave.”

To my dismay, he didn’t walk away like I hoped he would. He had always been so obedient in the past but now it seemed that he kept pushing the boundaries further and further. “I won’t let you regret it. With–” he took my hand and kissed my fingers like he had in the past. “Or without a ring.”

“You’re… asking to be my boyfriend then. Is that what you’re trying to tell me? Do you not hear the words coming out of your mouth?” my blunt tone said one thing but the way I let him show affection to my hand was a whole different story.

“I mean every word,” he murmured as he grazed his thumb over my scarred knuckles. “Like I’ve told you before, I want to take care of you. Won’t you let me?”

I remained silent this time. I should’ve sassed him, telling him that I needed nobody to take care of me and I had been fine all on my own for years but for some reason I couldn’t bring myself to retort it. It killed me to admit it but I *wanted* to put my faith in him. But at the same time, my instincts told me that trusting him was a death wish in the making. Even Amy thought that behind that charming grin could be a dangerous man.

Before I could make up my mind on what to say, we heard a knock at the door and we both fell dead silent as the voice called on the other side. “Suki? Are you alright, hun?”

*Shit! Mom!?*

“Uh– yeah, Mom, I’m fine. What’re you doing out of bed?” I tried to make my voice sound as ‘normal’ as possible. The last thing I wanted was for her to walk in and see Julian with me.

“I heard your scream! Did you have another nightmare?”

*Fuck, I didn’t think I screamed that loud…! By the sound of it, I don’t think she heard what I said. Hopefully.*

“No, I just had a bitch fight with someone from my ga– erh, friend’s friend group.” I did my best to cover my tracks and answer any unspoken questions in my overly curious mother’s mind. “Go back to bed, Ma, I’m fine.”

“Actually, I was hoping I could come in and talk to you… it’s about dinner.” my mother’s voice held a hint of hesitation but sincerity.

*Goddamn it.* It would’ve been smart to turn her away but I’d feel like shit for turning her away. I gave Julian the stink-eye and showed him off. He got the message and hurried into the bathroom with quiet steps. “Come in!” I called from within my room once everything looked normal.

When my mother turned the doorknob I heard a squeak and rattle. “Sweetheart, it’s locked.”

“Oh, right, my bad.” *Fuck me.* I cursed myself for forgetting about that and unlocked the door for her. When I came face to face with her finally, I saw that familiar concern in her vivid green eyes.

“Are you sure you’re alright? You never lock your doors.”

“Mom, please, I’m tired.” my tone held impatience in it and I regretted it the moment my sensitive mother looked wounded by it. “I mean I’m not feeling topnotch right now, aight? I’d reallllllly appreciate it if you came back in the morning. Please.”

Mom sighed and shook her head. “There’s no need to get angry, honey.”

“What? I’m not angry.” my tone held an aggressive edge that I didn’t even notice.

“Sukia. You’re always angry.”

“Wh– I– I am not!” I stuttered as my hotheadedness showed. As soon as I saw she had a point I felt my face begin to redden.

My mother’s smile returned to her face as she brushed some of my hair behind my ear. “It’ll be alright, darling. Me and Gabriel have been talking about the proper medication for you to settle that temper of yours.”

“A WHAT?! Mom! I don’t need fucking *medication!!!*” I flusteredly shouted.

“Well, if you won’t go to therapy then–” Mom’s sentence broke short when she heard a noise from my bathroom. At first, it sounded quiet and unrecognizable but I had a feeling that it may have been Julian choking down a laugh.

*You stupid, shitty bastard!*

Her investigator mode was auto-activated, and she walked over to the bathroom. And I hurriedly chased her to stop her the moment her hand gripped the doorknob. “Mom, wait!”