Chapter 65: This Is What It Feels Like

My eyes closed tightly as I gripped the sheets firmly, trying my hardest not to fight back and use at least a smidgen of trust since a ‘smidgen’ was probably the best I could do for anyone, shamefully including the people I held dearest to my heart.

Julian’s hands slowly ran down my thighs again as he started to kiss my most sensitive area, earning a half-heard moan from me since I quickly covered my mouth before I could make any loud noises. The last thing I needed was for my mom to hear me again and come check on me like the fretting woman always does. A shaky breath slipped past my lips as I allowed him to touch me however he wanted and did my best to allow myself to be vulnerable. And I can say, for the first time in my life–

*This is scary.*

I’ve never let myself be vulnerable before. And yet, ironically, it didn’t feel as scary as it should’ve felt because it was *him* who was the one touching me—the one person I was supposed to be the wariest around the most. My legs stiffened again when I felt his breath against my wet skin he caught his breath and then left a trail of kisses traveling up my body while slipping higher up my sweat in the process. As I watched him do so I couldn’t help but think a dumb thought to myself–

*Is this what it’d look like if I was pregnant?*

My body jolted like a cat startled awake when I felt his kiss reach my belly button. “You’re still tense.”

“You make this sound easy.” I scoffed under my breath.

He pulled his head out from under my sweater, ashy blonde locks slightly messy from doing so.

*Goddamn, he looks hot when his hair is a mess.*

Julian got off of his knees and gripped my waist again, easily sliding me further onto his bed until my head could rest on his pillow. He gripped the bottom of my sweater and pulled it up and off of me. Since I wasn’t wearing a bra, I was left naked and cursed myself for not putting on one beforehand.

*You’d think my dumbass would learn by now.*

I looked away from him when he started to crawl on top of me. It didn’t matter how many times I’d seen him above me like this, it’d fluster me every time and then I’d get embarrassed just from blushing– making me blush even more.

The back of his fingers stroked my cheek, his touch felt warm against my burning cheeks. “You’re really beautiful.” he breathed while staring down at me. I hated to admit that I couldn’t meet his gaze because my flustered state was starting to turn into shyness. I glanced over to the nightstand at the side of his bed where I had found the dog collar and leash from the last time I had laid in his bed like this. The short memory left that hateful fire in me that slowly grew but then came to an alarming halt when his hand that had been stroking my cheek suddenly gripped both of my cheeks firmly to force me to look back up at him. “There’s nothing in there now.” his feathered voice sounded a little more serious this time.

I defiantly shook my head out of his grip. *Did he really?* I wasn’t sure if I trusted his words but, for now, I looked away and accepted them as if I did believe him. If I really wanted to start believing in him then I needed to start accepting his words. *That’s how it works, right…?*

Instead of fondling me like he usually did when I was accessible to him, he grabbed my hands and intertwined my fingers with his before he began to kiss my neck like he had many times before, and like the other times, he left a trail going downward.

After a while, I began to relax beneath him as he continued to touch me. His lips were just as soft as his fingertips, even when he gripped my arms there was no intended force. For a moment there I thought he may have forgotten that his little stunt from earlier aroused me and I had a feeling that he was going to tease me again like he had almost a week ago but when he slid down his pants and boxers his erection told me otherwise. The last time we had sex crossed my mind along with the uncertainty of whether or not he didn’t pull out at the last second.

*Should I tell him to put a condom on? What if he has no condoms? Should I tell him to go buy some first?*

I subconsciously shook my head as I tried to convince myself that he wouldn’t do that. *Trust, right? Because…* When I looked up at him and into his eyes, the look in them had nothing but pure affection. *He’s showing me his love… right? This is what it's supposed to feel like?* I wasn’t 100% sure but all I did know is that I kept getting that annoying fluttering feeling in my chest each time we locked eyes.

When he leaned down to kiss me again his hands went down my hips and lifted them till they aligned with his and he invaded my body with one sharp movement. I flinched and bit my tongue in an attempt to keep myself quiet but each movement, even the smallest of them, moved it to the point I had to cover my mouth anyway. As soon as I did, Julian pulled it away and replaced my hand with his lips, his kiss more passionate than all the other times before.

And again, our passion for pleasure each other took over another night but somehow this time it felt different. It was slower, calmer, I’d even say peaceful. Don’t get me wrong, I’d screw his lights out given the chance but this change of pace… I don’t know why, but it felt nice. The old me would’ve died for something faster. We both hit several orgasms before becoming too tired to continue. By then the candles had burned out and left behind small puddles of white around each wix.

*Pfft. Took a shower for nothing.*

I thought to myself as I lay there covered in both mine and his sweat, my caramel skin having the faintest glimmer under the moonlight through his bedroom window because of it. I released a heavy exhale as I tried to catch my breath and it felt like I sank a little further into Julian’s bed as soon as I let my body go limp.

“Will you be staying the night?” he murmured as he lay beside me and played with my curly hair.

“As soon as I catch my breath I’m outta here,” I mumbled my response with closed eyes. I honestly wanted to stay. Standing up would be a bitch right now.

Julian grinned as he watched and as if he had just miraculously read my mind, he wrapped his muscular arm around my petite frame and pulled me into his chest. I felt that fluttering feeling rush into my cheeks and make me dizzy. I was about to call him a fucker and tell him to let me go but I couldn’t bring myself to do so and he knew it.

*Why…?*

After a couple of seconds, I grumbled in my usual grouchy tone. “...You’re suffocating me.”

“Do you want to leave?” he asked while combing my damp hair with his fingers.

I couldn’t even get an annoyed sigh to come rolling off my tongue like a waterfall as I usually did. Instead, I kept my eyes closed and allowed myself to relax next to his body once again, my head unintentionally falling in his direction and pressing my cheek against his chest, satisfied exhaustion finally claiming me. As I felt myself slowly slip into sleep, I felt his lips gently press against my forehead in his last kiss before whispering a word that still made my skin crawl– “*Beautiful.*”