Chapter 68: Decision

My grip on his wrist tightened as I felt myself becoming flustered just by my own actions.

*Fucking me fuck to fuckin’ hell. Fuck.*

I looked away with pride-shattering shyness while mumbling “Uh… can you stay? Please?”

The grin he gave me was something I couldn’t describe as he sat next to me. “You know I’ll never judge you.”

For some reason the grin he had given me gave me the slightest wave of goosebumps for a reason I couldn’t define so I told myself it was all in my head. “It’s not like I *need* your company or anything.”

*Fuck. Why ask him to stay then?* “Uh… I just didn’t want you to get lonely.” *That sounded just as stupid. Nice one, Suki.*

“I’m always lonely when I’m not at your side,” he murmured longingly while leaning down and kissing my cheek while playing with the stray strands of curly hair that had fallen out of my bun.

*You just had to make it weird.*

I already knew why I wanted him to stay. I was still trying to understand why this man was so deeply in love with me. I mean, out of all the women in the world, I shouldn’t even be on the list. I’m… well, I’m me. I’m far from romantic material. The very thought reminded me of Liam and I wondered what he was up to right now.

“Julian…” Even as I said his name, it left a different feeling in my chest the same way I looked into his eyes. “Look I… about my mom.” I couldn’t put my feelings into words but, thankfully, the charismatic charmer could tell what I was trying to say and answered me nonetheless.

“She’s not my mother, she’s my father’s everlasting love.” his fingers slipped in between mine. “I want that everlasting love too.”

“It’d never work out. I’ve told my reasons, fuck, how many times– I can’t even remember. You know how important my mother is to me.”

“Do you even realize how important *you* are to her?”

I winced when he hit a sensitive spot in my heart and I looked away. Not once did that thought cross my mind. All that I ever thought about was how I left her behind when she was in a dark place, a place I couldn’t drag her out of and I was afraid to get sucked down in there too. My way of making up for my selfish act was to do everything I could do to keep her happy now.

“I… that doesn’t matter. None of that matters. All that matters is that I keep her happy. I have to. I have to.” I whispered mostly to myself. I didn’t realize that my determination was becoming more like an obsession the more I focused on putting that in front of my life. And Julian could see this.

“I think that the best way you can make her happy…” he began to whisper in my ear as his hand slowly slid down my back. “Is to show her that you’re happy too.”

That mindset had never dawned on me. My happiness was seeing her happiness. What was wrong with that? Nothing, right? And yet, deep down there was still something else I was craving.

*Fuck me. What am I doing? It’s like he can brainwash me. Wait, is he??*

My thoughts are interrupted when he rests my plate on my lap, my eggs and bacon on the verge of becoming cold. “I won’t tell our parents anything, but I want to know– no, I *need* to know how you feel about me. Suki,” he brushed my hair behind my ear. “You don’t look at me with the same contempt that you used to. I’ll wait for your answer… for as long as it takes.” he kissed my knuckle one last time with soft, whispered words. “Trust me.”

I gave him no response as he left my room and my shoulders sagged once I was alone. Trust. The hardest thing I could grasp within this miserable life of mine.

*Am I ready for a ‘relationship?’ I don’t think I am but…*

Such a thing made me wonder. If something like that could make me a better person then… a better person was what I wanted to be for my mom. I stared down at the food in silence, my appetite gone.

Lost in my chaotic mind, everything came to a standstill when a ding came from my phone along with its light vibration. When I looked at my lit-up screen I saw Amy’s name.

*Fuck.*

You knew when I was having a bad day when the F word started flying off of my vocabulary shelves. It was a single text that I didn’t even get to read before she started to call me.

*Damn. My impatience rubbing off on her?*

“Yeah?” I’m the first to speak most of the time.

“Yeah?? Suki, what happened?”

“Huh?”

“Your voice is off. What’s going on? Is it Julian?” her tone was sharp with overbearing worry.

“Oh… right.” *Shit. What am I supposed to say? I don’t want to lie to her. But if I explain what’s happening…* I knew that Amy would be completely against it after everything I told her. I was starting to get the feeling that maybe I had overreacted this entire time. What if there was nothing to be wary about since the very beginning? Julian just ‘loves’ me. A *lot*. Apparently.

“Nah, everything is fine. What’re you callin’ me about? Do I still needa pay something?”

“Pay what?”

“Er, nothing.” I tried to cut that topic short. I surely had debts unpaid and hoped that everybody had just forgotten.

“Your friends have been asking about you, Suki. You’ve got a car now, why not visit them more often? You can get away from there more often now. Doesn’t that sound nice?” Amy actually sounded excited by the idea as if she were looking forward to seeing my grouchy ass.

“Uh, yeah, sure, that’d be awesome. Just… yeah. Tell ‘em I’ll come see them soon. Got no time or date right now.” it pained me to say that. Any other time I would’ve jumped at the opportunity to get the hell out of here.

“Oh… ok?” Amy could tell that something was off. She knew that I would’ve done that too and that something wasn’t right.

I decided to end the conversation here before she could stick her nose further into my foul business. “I gotta get goin’. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Um, ok? See you, Suki. You know I’m always here for you.” her voice sounded kind and endearing. After my exposure to Julian’s feelings, I could feel that Amy loved me just as much for some reason I couldn’t understand. I was such an awful, frustrating human being. Why would anybody even smile in my direction?

“...Thanks, Amy.” I hung up the phone abruptly. Why am I feeling so guilty? I should’ve been driving to my gang’s territory at the speed of light but instead, when I stood up I headed for Julian’s bedroom. As I stood on the other side of the bedroom door, I hesitated to knock but like last time he already opened the door for me before I could even touch it.

“Sukia…” he murmured my name in that familiar gentle voice before grasping my hands and leading me into his room, I didn’t even get the chance to look around to make sure we didn’t have any second set of eyes watching us, all I could do was hope that Julian was paying closer attention that I was.

Before I knew it I was already wrapped up in both of his arms and pressed against his chest, my body warmed by his body heat. His grip tightened a little bit as he buried his face into my hair and breathed in deeply. “You smell really good.”

“I still stink of sweat…” I mumbled. Yeah, I showered, but I wasn’t thorough. In fact I don’t think I even put anything in my hair other than a little bit of water.

*He likes the smell of my sweat?*

“I knew you’d come to me.” his lips moved from my hair to the edge of my ear as he whispered, his breath tickling me. I could practically feel his overwhelming bliss coming off of him in waves.

*Getting weirder.*

As he combed his fingers through my curly hair he moved his hand away from me to stretch it out and see how long it really was. “Is there something you wanted to tell me?”

*Shit, no. I just wanted to waltz on in your joint cause I felt like it.*

Out of all the sass I could’ve given him I was too comfy being held in his embrace. “Tell me what you want.” he pressured me further.

I place my hand on his chest, my words uncertain.