Chapter 108: Test Results

I paced back and forth in the bathroom as I impatiently waited for the number of lines that would appear on the pregnancy test.

*For fuck’s SAKE! How long does this fucking take?!*

A couple of unexpected knocks made me jump off the floor. “Honey? Are you still awake?”

I flopped my hand on my heaving chest as I struggled to catch my breath. It felt like I almost had a real heart attack! “Yes, Mom, what do you need?” my tone is grouchy as always.

“I was just wondering if I could come in?”

I bit my bottom lip with hesitation. I was already so anxious that you could see the redness of the veins in my eyes. If my mother saw the nervous wreck that I’m in then she’ll just freak out too and demand what’s wrong. I can’t keep lying to her forever.

It’s killing me.

“Uhh, can it wait until morning? I’m kinda busy–” I was so focused on trying to get myself out of this situation that my clumsy hands knocked the pregnancy test off of the counter when I attempted to reach for it. “Shit!”

The hissed curse under my breath wasn’t quiet enough to escape my mother’s sharp hearing range. “Is everything ok? I’m coming.”

*FUCK.* I kicked the pregnancy test behind the toilet before running out of the bathroom and slamming the door behind me. Mom walked in just in time to catch me in the act. Her eyes were wide in surprise at first before squinting suspiciously.

“What’s going on?”

“I took a gnarly dump. You don’t wanna go in there.”

My mom’s nose wrinkled, as if she could already smell the fake poop. “Goodness! Did my cooking upset you that much?”

“Mom. Why’re you here? I’m tired and it’s late.” I cut the ideal chatter and impatiently jumped to the topic of why she was here.

Mom sighed with a shake of her head and crossed her arms. “Impatient as always, will you ever change?” I give no response other than a huff and narrowing my eyes. She finally got to a topic that I was wanting to avoid. “Do you know what’s going on with Julian? He’s… well, I’ve never seen him like this before. You both were close. Surely he confided in you?”

My throat tightened as I tried to think of what to say. Another lie to say. The story I kept telling her was starting to get repetitive and Mom will eventually start to figure out that something isn’t adding up. “I…” my hesitation probably made it look worse, but I was running out of things to say. “I don’t know, Mom, I’m not his maid and I’m not his best friend. I don’t follow him around and I don’t know every single thing about him, alright? So will you stop asking me about him?? We’re not as close as you think we are!”

I didn’t mean to get worked up at the end and I instantly regretted it. Nothing gets past Mom. A frown formed on her lips as her brows knitted together, that familiar look of worry clouding her eyes. “Honey…”

I ran my fingers through my hair while taking a deep breath. There’s no point in trying to stay calm in front of her. She already knows something isn’t right between us. What do I do? What do I say? Will she ever forgive? Will she ever forget? Will I be an even worse daughter than I already am?

“Listen, Mom, I’m tired… I’m really, really tired and just need some time alone. Can we talk tomorrow? Please?”

Mom watched me for a few silent seconds before her frown slowly formed into a soft smile. She walked over to me and gave me a gentle hug. “Of course, love. Just know that I’m here for you.”

*I know you are… and I don’t want to ruin that.*

I gave a silent nod, keeping my forbidden thoughts to myself. I refused to let her know how far I’d gone with Julian.

When Mom leaned away from me, she gave a curious tilt of her head. “Hm?” she rested her hand against my lower stomach. “Are you gaining weight?”

“What?” I looked down at my stomach. “No?”

“Hm.” her curiosity switched into pride-like flicking a light switch. “My cooking must just be that good! But don’t overdo it again, ok?”

“Uh, yeah. Yeah, I’ll keep that in mind next time.” I forced a smile though it was rather awkward.

She gave me another one of her sweet smiles before patting my shoulder and walking back to the door. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow then, sweetheart.”

When she finally left my room, my anxiety faded slightly but not enough for me to feel comfortable. I hurried back into the bathroom to see how much I’d fucked it up. *Shit! Will I have to take another?!*

I blindly reached for the plastic stick behind the toilet and felt relief when I grabbed it without getting a frisky spider hopping onto my hand. But my naive relief died the moment I looked at the results. It felt like the world had come crashing down on my shoulders, the weight slamming what was left of me out of the walls of the living and down to the pits of hell for good.

The results were positive.

*I’m screwed.*

Nausea hit me like a runaway train, thankfully I was right next to the toilet and puked out what was left of my rotten pride.

*I’m so screwed!*

I coughed and gagged until I could breathe again. My body still trembled from the strain.

*I’M SO FUCKING SCREWED!! What do I do? What am I supposed to do now? Who do I tell? How do you get help? Who’ll help me? Is there a way I can fix this?*

I’ve heard of things before about pregnant women getting something done that gets rid of the baby inside of them. I think it was called abortion or something? I never paid much attention to those sorts of things. But no matter how frantic I am, no matter how deep the shit I just got stuck in, doing such a thing didn’t feel right. The thought alone made me think of ‘what if Mom didn't want me?’ The thought hurt.

*But I’m not ready to be a mo– no, I don’t WANT to be a mother! I never wanted–...*

My inner screaming came to a halt when I focused on the big picture, not the state that my body was in.

*Julian… he did this. HE did this! And he did it on purpose! The fucking bastard even said he would!*

That familiar, blazing rage ignited my entire body again. The same feeling I felt when I was going to bash his head in for disrespecting Jack’s death.

He got me pregnant on purpose! *That fuck–I should FUCKING KILL HIM!* I flinched as my own thoughts began to burn my brain. *No, I’m not like that anymore. I shouldn’t even be thinking those things. What would Mom say?* My hands balled up into tight fists as I hung my head. Mom… I knew what I had to do. The boys would kill Julian. Amy would never forgive me. Gabriel will never look at me the same way again. And Grace will gleefully announce it to the whole world. There was only one person I could turn to.

*Mom… shit.*

It was embarrassing to think about. I always ran off to her when I needed help as a child. And here I am, still doing the same thing, but needing more help than ever. I didn’t know what I was going to say about who the father was. I just needed help. I didn’t know what to do.

I looked around warily down the hallway before leaving my room and heading to her and Gabriel’s bedroom. *I hope they’re not too cozy.*

I walked with silent steps since he had gotten late enough that the maids had gone home and everybody was in their rooms. I practically tiptoed past Grace’s room. I heard pop music in her room along with her giggling up a storm, likely on the phone with her Barbie friends. When I got close to Julian’s room, I froze in my tracks when I heard the voice of my mother nearby.

*Wait- is she in Julian’s fucking room?!*

Oh boy, my anxiety came rolling back in like a tidal wave. It was a struggle to keep my steps silent this time as I neared his bedroom door.

“You know you can tell me anything, Julian. I’ll never replace your mother but I’ll still be here for you.” Mom used the same kind voice she would give to me. I felt a spike of jealousy.

“Isabella,” Julian’s voice sounded hesitant. My heart pounded.

*Don’t you do it. Don’t you fucking do it!*

“...About Sukia… I love her.”