Chapter 27: Rose Garden Confessions

I stubbornly stayed rooted in place as Julian approached me. It took me a little extra strength to keep myself from flinching as he reached for my cheek. His gorgeous blue eyes still captivated my heart despite the fact I couldn’t help but feel very wary around him. He noticed my restricting reaction and quickly withdrew his hand before he could touch my skin.

“...Sukia.” He finally carefully murmured my name after a few seconds of silence. He looked me up and down before hesitantly speaking again. “Can I call you Suki again?”

I placed my hands on my hips as I stared up at him with disbelief as if I was looking at something that didn’t make sense and was very stupid.

This mother fucker can’t be serious!

“Depends on what you wanted to say to me. If it’s just another apology then I’m leaving.” I muttered grumpily before turning around and fixing to leave. I’m immediately halted when Julian’s hand quickly grasped my shoulder.

“Please, wait. I need to tell you something important. Well… something important about myself.” Julian’s unpredictable words finally made me turn around and look up at him perplexedly. There were multiple things I could’ve retorted. That you’re a book nerd? That you’re a rapist? That your sister calls you a psycho? Despite all of the thoughts that juggled in my brain, for some reason, my tongue remained still as I waited for him to continue.

“I blame myself. I’ve been blaming myself since I was a child.” Julian’s words make me tilt my head in bewildered confusion.

“What? Dude, you needa say more than that if you want me to understand you.” I said coldly but I could tell that this conversation was difficult for him to talk about. The look in his pretty blue eyes showed the difficulty and uncomfortableness that he was struggling with inside. So much so that I actually had to speak up. “Hey, if whatever you’re about to say to me is uncomfortable to you then don’t say it. I don’t want to be the reason why you’ll be feeling depressed for the rest of the day. I’m not worth it.”

“But you are. You’re worth everything to me, Suki.” He murmured quietly as he released my shoulder. It wasn’t often that I saw this man actively try to avoid looking at me. Since the day I met him, he’s always had this intense stare, even when my back was turned. It gave me the creeps. And now here he is, flattering me with some more sweet words. Unlike any other woman who would’ve been lovestruck by the gorgeous man, I merely looked away. It would take a lot more than that to move a heart as ragged and chilly as mine.

When Julian finally looked at me again, he began to speak words that finally made some sense to me. “Your father sounds as if he was a great man.” His words took me by surprise, making my eyes fly wide and I quickly looked away again as my body stiffened and my throat tightened. Talking about my father was the one thing that quaked me no matter what I did.

“What do you want, Julian?” I muttered as quietly as possible. If I spoke any louder then I knew my voice would crack.

“I mean it. He sounds like an admirable man, a real hero. I wish I could’ve met him. I’m actually quite jealous.” He then stepped closer and grasped both of my hands within his. His grip was very gentle this time and he grazed his thumb over my scarred knuckles. “I can see where you get your fearlessness from. When your mother said that you’re an addict for your own death instinct, I honestly think it was just bravery, you don’t fear death. That’s why you’re feared, right?”

I looked up at him again, I’m sure that emotions were visible on my face. My father was my idol, my hero, everything I wanted to be. And that heroism was the death of him. It was the reason why I gave up on thinking that heroes could make the world a better place. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em, right? Right…? That’s what I believed. And now here I am, moved though I was convinced he could never move me. He touched a button that not many people could reach. My lips parted to say something but nothing came out. What could I say? A simple thank you?

Before anything could come out, he quickly put a finger on my lips to keep any words from slipping out. “You don’t have to say anything. I just wanted you to know how I felt when I first heard about Marcus. I would’ve loved to have an admirable parent like that.” Julian removed his finger from my mouth as he looked away again, took a breath as if preparing himself, and then gave me what he wanted to say.

“My mother… was far from admirable. When my sister and I were five years old, our mother had to ‘move away for something important’ is what our dad said. Eventually, we learned that she had been cheating on him and then left him to be with the man she was having the affair with. We haven’t heard from her since. I wouldn’t be surprised if she has a different family now.”

I stared up at Julian in disbelief. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. That can’t be right. There’s no way someone would do that. Is he speaking English right now? I finally spoke my thoughts out loud, my confusion was detectable in my tone. “Your mother just left you? Just left you and your family?” Julian didn’t answer me, the man just confirmed my questions with his silence. This left me completely baffled and disgusted. “The fuck? You’re her CHILDREN. Fuck the husband, how could she just abandon the ones that she gave life to?”

“Because she didn’t love us.” Came Julian’s short answer. His words were so simple, so emotionless as if he had accepted that fact a long time ago. I was the one that was staring silently up at him now.

What is this feeling in my chest? Why does it hurt so bad?

I couldn’t believe his story, I couldn’t even comprehend it. Maybe it’s because the woman that gave birth to me has always loved me unconditionally, no matter how badly I fucked up. Even after I abandoned her for years, she still loved me like she always has. And yet his mother carried him and his sister for nine months, gave birth to them, and raised them just to leave them behind at an age like that? Julian is right, there was only one explanation for her actions. She didn’t love them. Instead, she chose her side-fuck.

And I thought I was a monster…

“Julian, I… I’m sorry.” I murmured softly. I didn’t know what else to say. What could I say? If I was in his situation after losing my father, I… a thought like that is something not even my mental state would be able to handle.

Julian smiled sweetly as he brushed some of my curly hair behind my ear. “Why’re you apologizing?” My cheeks burned with a fierce blush full of awkward embarrassment and I looked away. He gave an amused chuckle and stepped closer to me. “In a way, you remind me of her.”

I immediately glare up at him angrily. “I outta make your liver burst with my next punch just for that… let alone the fact you just got done fucking me in the library.”

“No, wait, listen!” He quickly stuttered before he could feel my wrath. “From what I can remember, she was a bit of a spitfire too. Fearless with a good heart. Your eyes look like hers too.” He then grins. “My favorite treat, green olives.”

“Ah, fuck off with that shit,” I grumbled, my embarrassment growing.

Julian then brushed his hand across my cheek. “I messed up trying to make you feel good even though you didn’t ask for it. I thought I’d fix it by letting you know how I feel about your father and the truth behind why my mother isn’t here anymore. I want to be more open with you. I like feeling vulnerable around you, Suki.”

You messed up making me feel good without me asking?? You can’t just say shit like that! Where are your screws and where is the fucking mechanic?!

The fact I was still blushing up a storm didn’t make my pride any stronger. “...It’s cool, let’s just forget about it.” I finally gave another grouchy grumble.

Another charming grin crossed his lips. “Good. There’s something I want to do with you.”

Oh boy, here we go again…