Chapter 19: Dragged Down to Hell Again

It’s 1 a.m. and I’m finally able to flop down onto the most comfortable bed I have ever laid on in my entire life. I’m grateful that I got to spend time with the boys and Amy but damn… it was a roller coaster. I may not have had any alcohol or any kind of substance but I could still feel myself drunk on adrenaline and high on life as I went back to my old habits the moment I stepped foot back into the west-side. And fuck, did it feel good. I just hope Mom doesn’t find out what all I did… what all did I do? It becomes a little hazy by how crazy I went after giving Richie what was coming for him. There may not have been balloons and a cake, but it was a party to me nonetheless.

I close my eyes, allowing sweet sleep to sweep me off of my feet. And it almost did until I heard a ding and felt a vibration on my hip.

The fuck…?

Annoyance already filled me. Most nights I stay up late anyway but after all of the activities today, I just wanted some peace and quiet. I was about to give the texter a good tongue lashing with my fingers but instead, my lips parted in disbelief when I saw the text.

“Goodnight, Spitfire :P” The text was from Julian. I couldn’t help but smirk and huff out my amusement.

You dumb bastard…

“Goodnight. Dumbass.” I texted him back. He finally got that midnight text he was hoping for. I can imagine he’s pretty blissful after this despite how cruel I was to him earlier. In all honesty, I wish I could keep being cruel and keep pushing him away. Make him regret ever meeting me. And yet, the thought of doing that brings that painful twist feeling back into my chest. And oh how annoying it was…

While I was semi-conscious, I took the moment to undress myself until I’m wearing nothing but my bra and underwear and then set my iPhone on the nightstand next to me. I place my arm over my eyes as I let out an exhausted sigh. It’s been a long time since I welcomed sleep. Maybe it’s because last night was the first night I didn’t have a nightmare in years.

You’d think I’d learn by now.

After all these years.

Deep down, beneath the thorns and fire, hiding behind my fists and my curses. I’m still nothing.

Nothing but a sad little girl.

…

Fire.

I can feel it on my skin. Hot. It burns. It hurts. And then I hear it. A voice barely audible through the roar of the licking flames. I recognize the voice. My heart starts to pound so hard that I can feel each beat behind my chest wall.

“DAD!” I screamed for him again but then I immediately faltered. Usually, my voice is high-pitched due to being so young but this time it’s deeper, it’s my current age.

Does that mean I have the strength to make a difference? Am I strong enough now?

I didn’t hesitate to push through the flames. It’s hot. It burns. It hurts. But the screams from my father hurt more than anything. I could hear his voice become louder the closer I got to him.

“S… uk…i!”

“Just hang on, I’m coming!” I called out to him more urgently as I made my way through the flames. It felt like I was making my way through a jungle with dense vegetation, having to push through bushes and vines but instead, it was fire, it felt as if I was walking through hell. And the burning foliage only got thicker the closer I got to my father. I was beginning to see his tall silhouette. A gasp escaped me as I hurried through my struggle. “DAD!!”

I’m close. I’m closer than I’ve ever been before! All these years, will I be able to save him? Will I be able to save him from this place? Will we be able to go back to the way things used to be? Just him, me, and mom? We can be happy again, just the three of us? I want it back. I want those days back!

“Dad!” I called out again as soon as I was near the area I saw his silhouette. And yet, I didn’t hear a sound other than the roar of the blaze. His calls have entirely stopped. Am I too late?

“Dad?” I called out to him again hesitantly. “Dad, please, answer me!”

Nothing. A chill goes up my spine as a realization hits me.

I’m alone here.

The fire gets hotter and the flames become more wild, closing in on me to the point I’m set on fire. The blaze was so intense that it felt like a wall I couldn’t break through, as if I was chained in place and had become completely helpless while I was burning alive.

I’m the one trapped here now, burning alive in this endless blaze. I screamed in pain during my futile writhing. The agony doesn’t stop and it never will, not where I’m at.

Is this hell?

I’m alone now. In pain. Burning alive. I can’t move. I can’t breathe. I call out for help. This is it, I’ve died and I’m paying my debts. But that didn’t scare me. The one thing that scared me the most… Unlike my father?

I knew nobody was coming for me.

My screams become louder until my squirming is constricted by a tight hold around my body as if I felt like I was being caged within this torture. The fire becomes as bright as sunlight and by the time it dims, I realize what I’m being caged in is someone’s arms and I was embraced tightly into their chest. My body shook violently as I struggled to stop hyperventilating. The rush of air in and out of me made me so dizzy that I could feel myself on the verge of going unconscious and being dragged back down into that lonely hell again.

My face got pressed tighter into that person’s chest, making it difficult for me to breathe so quickly and I eventually got my hyperventilating under control. My trembling body slowly began to relax and I could finally feel how soaked the sheets and my hair were, even my skin was still damp from how much I had sweated during the nightmare. Though my teeth still chattered off and on, my dilated eyes finally regained focus and I was able to look up at the person holding me so tightly. At first, I thought it was my mom but who it actually was took me by surprise.

Julian…?

I didn’t have the strength to say his name. I did recall him telling me last night that he’d make me breakfast in bed. Yet again, by how sore my throat was, I’m sure he could hear me screaming from the other side of the mansion. Unless he was already near my room…

His blue eyes looked deeply concerned as he petted my head gently. “Shh. It’s alright, it’s alright. I’ve got you.” My shaky breath is finally released into an exhausted sigh as I let my head fall against his muscular chest. Too occupied getting my pants to ease up, I didn’t realize that I had been crying until Julian wiped my eyes with his thumb. I honestly felt surprised.

When was the last time I ever cried? I thought my tears dried up like a desert years ago…

Still wrapped within his comforting embrace, Julian then proceeds to run his fingers across my slender body. It took me a moment to realize that he was tracing all of my scars. From little cuts to slashes so deep that I had to sloppily stitch them up myself. His expression looked as if he was utterly heartbroken.

The look in his eyes brought goosebumps across my sweaty skin as if something was off about that stricken-with-sadness expression. I couldn’t place my finger on it, but my instincts were telling me that something wasn’t right. I stayed rooted in place as he continued to pet me like his beloved puppy.

“Oh, Beautiful… you poor, poor thing. It’ll be alright now.” He then kissed my head and whispered in my ear. “Everything will be alright. I’ll take care of you now.”