Chapter 63: What I Want?

“Whatever you want me to do, Beautiful.” his kisses from my neck slid down to my shoulder.

A frown tugged at my lips as a growl tangled with my voice. “I told you to stop fucking calling me that.” *What’s his deal? He was fine earlier! It's like his personality just did a fuckin’ summersault.*

“I’m sorry.” he released me when he got the hint that he was pushing his luck.

“What I want is for you to–...” I bit my tongue when I couldn’t get the rest of my sentence to come out. What I wanted to tell him the same thing I always tell him– to go fuck off and leave me alone. But his question made me wonder what I really wanted from him. After my experiences with Liam and the confession from Jack, I felt like I was in the center of a triangle that I didn’t know anything about. My soft bite went from my tongue to my bottom lip as I tried to figure out what to say but to no avail.

My muddled thoughts were snapped back into reality when I felt his fingers brush down my spine as if he were painting a picture with the water on my caramel skin. “Can I tell you what I think you want?” he asked me while leaning forward to press his forehead on the back of my head, having to lean down in the process just to reach. I didn’t respond to him so he he answered my unspoken question. “I think you want to know what it is like, to be in love. Right?” I heard him give an exhale as if he were recalling ecstasy. “It’s a feeling you’ll never forget and never be able to let go of.”

“Yeah? I’m sure pretty boy has had plenty of crushes over the years. How many love notes do you got stashed away?” my tone was a mocked tease. The way he sounded like a teenager who had a secret crush of his own was all too amusing to me. After all, I never got to experience such things.

I didn’t have to look at him to tell him that he had a smirk playing on his lips. “None of them ever mattered. Only one woman had captured my heart unlike any other. Someone I can’t stop thinking about, wanting to touch, taste, smell her scent, and could never get tired of listening to her voice for the rest of my life.”

“Goddamn. I don’t know if that lady is lucky or up shit’s creek.” I mumbled mostly to myself. If that’s what love feels like I wasn’t sure if I wanted it. It sounded like I’d be starving all the time… for something that was never meant for me.

*Just thinking about it brings that damned stabbing feeling back to my chest. Fucking hell.*

“I don’t know,” he murmured in my ear while leaning closer to my body again, somehow his body heat felt hotter than last time when he came closer. “You’ll have to tell me.”

My questioning thoughts made me stiffen and my knees weak when I realized what he was trying to say. *Wait. What? What the fuck?* At first, I was speechless. I knew that he had feelings for me since day 1 but I didn’t know it sank this deep. *Shit… what am I supposed to say to that? …How am I even supposed to feel about that!?* It was embarrassing that unlike him who I’m sure had plenty of experience, I had no idea what I was doing or what to do. Sex was all that mattered. Well, sex and being in control. But this wasn’t about sex anymore and I felt far from being in control. If anything, I felt as if I were being pushed into submission again but my anger wouldn’t react to it. *Why aren’t I raising hell about this? I should be shitting fire at him right now!*

Julian didn’t seem taken off guard in the slightest by my stiff silence. For some reason, I had a feeling that he felt pleased with himself for getting a reaction like this out of the likes of me. He swept some of the soaked, curly bangs out from in front of my face and hooked them behind one of my ears before leaning down and kissing my cheek. “I think my scent is off of you now.” he teased before stepping away from me and getting out of the shower. I couldn’t keep my eyes off of his muscular, lean body as he roughly dried his hair, making his shaggy hair a little messy yet still somehow ridiculously attractive. He wrapped the towel around his waist before looking back at me. “If you care about anything I just said to you then come see me later tonight, my door is always unlocked for you and you alone, Beautiful.”

Instead of scowling I actually flinched as I stared at his back the whole way till he left. I would’ve been what they call ‘swept off my feet’ if you hadn’t called me the same goddamn word I keep telling him not to call me. But instead of annoying me, it unnerved me this time.

*Why is that?*

I knew what I wanted. They call me part-cat for a reason. And I *think* I have a few lives left. Maybe.

*There’s no point in raking my brain on what to do.*

The thought of Liam and Jack crossed my mind. Both of them were romantic interests that I couldn’t bring myself to get closer to because, though I hated to admit it, I was wrapped around Julian’s finger.

*How the hell did it even come to this?*

The image of Amy’s warning and the worried look in her eyes manifests in my mind. My instincts told me to tread carefully around the man but I kept telling myself that I was overthinking things, though that nagging feeling of danger never left the back of my head.

*He’s not dangerous. He just has a temper just like me, except he is more explosive while I’m just… ‘always angry’ according to Mom.*

I’ve made up my mind. I wanted to understand what this feeling was he felt for me and hope somehow this would help me find closure for how I felt about Jack and Liam. I will forever refuse to admit that I was nervous or scared, but I would say that I’m more wary than normal.

With a deep breath, I ran my fingers through my soaked hair and washed off whatever soap remained on my body from where Julian had bathed me. After turning off the water and ringing my long hair dry, I got dressed in my usual clothes that I’d wear when going to bed– a sweater wayyy too big for me, pantless, and my soaked hair up in a dipping bun, annoying me when the water dampened my shoulders.

As I paced back and further to the ticking time, I came to a halt when I heard my phone vibrate on the bed. And of all people, it was Jack who had just texted me.

“Hey suki… feelin better?” even through a screen I could tell that he was still fretting over me after the last time he saw me. My lips pursed as I considered my options.

*Do I respond?* I check the clock on my phone. It was going on 10. *What kinda question is that? Of course, I gotta fucking answer! Fuck– I must be losing the rest of my screws.*

My fingers tapped rapidly fast as I responded. “I’m fine, jackie. Busy rn so i’ll talk to you l8r.”

Usually, Jack sent me a text response within the speed of light but this time it took around a minute and all he sent was two thumbs up. *Damn. Tell me how you really feel.* I heaved a sigh and tossed my phone back onto my bed. *Sorry, Jackie. I’ll make it up to you somehow, someday.* I may not have the nerve to apologize face-to-face but the least I could do is do something for him after I gave him a mini heart attack the other day.

When I stepped out of my room, I looked both ways down the hallway and listened to see if I could hear footsteps coming from anywhere else in the house. Usually, the family are all in their rooms at this time and all of the maids were gone home but I still wanted to have a little look around so that there wasn’t another incident like with Elena.

As I approached Julian’s bedroom door, I could see light flickering beneath the door’s crack. *I wonder. Would he have waited all night?* I already knew the answer: a big fat yes. When I reached for the doorknob, it already twisted and opened before I could touch it.