100 — “I’ve always loved you.”

My first love, my first kiss, and my virginity... All my firsts belong to Julian Adams. Maybe he’s not aware of how much he meant to me, *what he means* to me, but somehow I’d like him to know.
I’m tired of hiding how I feel, of running away from my feelings, masking my emotions, and trying to fit into labels that don’t fit me. I tried to move on, and I did. I somehow loved Eric, even if it wasn’t in the same way, with the same intensity.
I know that love doesn’t have to be the same, but I secretly wish it were because keeping my feelings for Julian deep in the bottom of my heart isn’t the same as destroying them. But I suspect that even if that had happened, *I would have learned to love him again.*
Now, the decision is in my hand again. I can pretend and lie and bury it all, or face how I feel and the consequences... even if it means hurting the person we both love most in this world. But yeah, I made my choice.
That’s why I get up with my body almost numb. The noise of the shower gets louder as my footsteps guide me to the bathroom. Through the open door, I can see Julian’s broad, scratched back, reddened by the marks of my pleasure. Seeing this brings me a strange satisfaction that moves me, making me walk with slow steps until I finally feel the water on the soles of my feet.
Julian notices me and slowly turns around, with a subtle smile on his lips... a smile that is quickly replaced by surprise when my arms wrap around his body. I hug him slowly, leaning my face against his wet chest and closing my eyes to listen to the quiet beating of his heart... this is the most comforting sound in the world, and I don’t think I could handle being away from it any longer.
He wraps my body in a firm embrace but doesn’t squeeze me too tightly or suffocate me; he just snuggles me closer into his warmth, wetting my skin as well.
“I’m staying with you tonight,” I say almost in a whisper, still with my eyes closed, afraid to see his reaction. “And every other night, if you want me to.”
He rests his chin on the top of my head, remaining silent for a few moments, making my heart speed up with the delay. Honestly, this is torture... a painful torture that brings tears to my eyes.
“I want to be with you, Julian.” I swallow the knot that forms in my throat, feeling tears run down my face, merging with his wet chest.
Julian pulls me away a little, touching my face and making me lift it, meeting his green eyes that shine brightly. Water and tears wet my eyelashes, but his thumb dry them.
“I want it so bad, but I’m scared… Please, tell me what to do...” I whimper, my voice hoarse, with new heavy tears falling from my eyes despite my efforts to dry them. “Please tell me.”
“What do *you* want?” He asks suddenly, making me blink in surprise. “Do you really want to be with me?”
I nod slowly, my vision blurred by tears, pursing my lips, tightening my hands around his waist, missing his embrace, our skins touching, our warmth mingling.
“Say it with all your words, Angelee.”
“Yes, I want to.” I move my hand to his wet body, sliding it to his chest, to his heart that beats so fast. “I want to be with you.”
Julian smiles, lowering his touch to the nape of my neck, hooking his fingers behind my neck.
“Then I’ll tell you, *sober,* properly as I promised.” His voice makes me hold my breath, my heart running faster than the one beating under my hand. “I’m in love with you, girl. It took me a while to realize it, and it’s all too new for me. I know I’m not the perfect guy, and I’m definitely not someone who deserves you.”
I open my lips to answer him, but he’s quicker to add, “But I want to try. I want to do my best to be with you, to be worthy of your love and Mike’s approval.”
My eyes widen, and I manage to stutter out shakily, “Daddy?”
“I know you’re worried, but we’ll sort it out. I’ll talk to Mike, and I’ll probably come out with a broken nose and a few missing teeth, but that’s okay.” He says with a provocative smile that makes me laugh through my tears.
“How could that be okay?”
“Because I love his daughter. And I may have been a terrible friend, but I’ll never be a bad man for you.”
I close my eyes, crying silently, pursing my lips so that no subs escape through them... I’m fighting the tears, but I can’t control them. My chest is heaving with intense emotions that have been repressed all these years...
“He might not forgive you,” I whisper, my mouth bitter, my throat tight. “He may hate us.”
“No matter what happens, your father would never turn his back on you.” His firmness makes me feel that there really isn’t the slightest chance of that happening, but I’m scared... I’m afraid of shattering my relationship with Dad, afraid of destroying the friendship between them that existed long before I did.
My father loves Julian as if he were his own brother. And because of me, Dad has lost everything — his family, his inheritance, his fiancée. I don’t want him to lose Julian too. My presence completely shattered the life he had built, but he never blamed me. Daddy was never angry or resentful towards me. From the moment he saw me, he accepted me.
I still remember how he hugged me when he saw me and believed my words even though I was just a sixteen-year-old brat with nothing but a letter. He never doubted, and the positive DNA sounds like a mere detail.
Sometimes, I wonder why Dad believed me, how he could remain so sure that I was telling the truth... if the doubt didn’t haunt him for even a moment. I also wonder why he fought everyone for me... for a girl he had just met, with whom he shared nothing but blood. Daddy didn’t have to accept me — I didn’t expect him to. But I went anyway, as he was the only person left in this world for me. And he did accept me with all his heart.
*And with that, I also got Julian.*
They both transformed my gray world and introduced me to colors again. Their affection healed my wounds more than any therapy, any medicine, more than the nicotine I took when no one was looking. And even though from time to time my scars throbbed and ached, Dad and Julian were there for me, making me laugh until my belly hurt.
I love them deeply, and I’m afraid of losing them.
“Look at me, girl.” Julian’s voice is so smooth that it makes me obey without even realizing it. “I’ll talk to your father, and we’ll sort it out... okay?”
I nod slowly, and Julian leans in, brushing his lips against mine for a light kiss, making me close my eyes again and shedding heavy tears... But unlike all the times I’ve cried, these are of indescribable happiness, an overload of feelings that explode inside me all at once...
This is the moment my feelings finally meet Julian’s.
“Leave everything to me, Angel.” He places a kiss on my forehead, pulling me into an embrace again, leaning my face against his firm chest. “I’ll sort everything out... Just stay with me.”
“I will,” I whisper, wrapping my arms around his body. “But I’m not going to be your friend with benefits anymore.”
He gives a low chuckle that reverberates through my chest, making my heart speed up because that must be the most delicious sound in the universe.
“No? And how are you going to stay?” Julian asks teasingly, running his open hand down my back slowly as if he wants to feel every inch of my skin.
I pout my lips, “I don’t want to be anything that involves the word *friend,* before or after.”
“Hum...” He mumbles, sliding both hands around my waist, holding as if they were made to fit — my body and Julian’s, they were made to complete each other.
“If you want me to be yours, you have to-” Julian doesn’t let me finish.
He lifts me abruptly by the waist, making me gasp. My eyes widen as he spins me around, leaning me against the cold wall.
“Of course, I’m already completely yours,” Julian says with a cocky smile, looking straight into my eyes. “I don’t want any other woman. This relationship thing may be new to me, but I don’t want to be a bachelor anymore.”
I take a deep breath, holding the back of his neck, alternating between his bright green eyes and that teasing smile that makes me simply weak.
“Maybe you’ll have to teach me a few things about it.” He slowly brings his face closer, mixing our breaths. “The roles are switched this time... I think it’s only fair, don’t you?”
I give him a radiant smile, nodding slowly, brushing the tips of our noses, “It’s a good deal.”
“Will you be patient with me?” Julian asks almost slyly, now with our lips touching.
“No promises... I might have to punish you.” My words make him laugh, and I find myself laughing too. My eyelashes are still wet, but so are Julian’s, from the drops dripping from his wet blond hair.
“If your punishment is as good as mine, you can take your time...” He kisses the corner of my lips but then looks down at me wickedly, “Just don’t forget that I’m a jealous man.”
“Surprisingly.” I wrap my arms around his neck, leaning our foreheads together, and ask, “Were you jealous today?”
“Oh, yes... you like to play with fire, don’t you, little girl?” He moistens his lips. “Do you think I would allow my woman to go on a date with another man and stay still?”
“Your woman?” I give a silly smile, “I like the sound of that.”
He falls silent, smiling slowly, “Me too.”
“But it wasn’t a date.”
“Whatever.”
I move my face away just so I can get a good look at his expression, every detail, the lips that curve upwards in this irresistible smile, the beard that has grown a little longer and makes him even more charming... the jawline, the wet hair, the intense green eyes...
Every part of him seems to make me love him even more.
Every day that passes... Every moment by his side...
*Everything* about him made me fall and keep falling.
“I love you, Julian,” I say it again, directly into his eyes, and I notice that they shine brighter. “I’ve always loved you.”