30 — Friends with benefits…
I still remember the first time I saw Julian, and what I thought when I saw him.
My heart beat fast. And I knew he would make a mess of my head.
If I told the sixteen-year-old girl that, seven years later, she would finally be in the arms of her unrequited love… I'm sure that she wouldn't believe me. Because Julian never showed the slightest interest in me… Until the point when I realized that keeping this one-sided feeling would only hurt me, and I decided to move on.
So, when did it all start? Probably not the day I accepted Eric's proposal, trying to escape from my feelings for my father's best friend, ten years older than me. It was the day I met Julian.
Because although it's painful not to be loved back, I know that Julian cares for me. Not in the way I expected, but it's enough for me. Having him by my side… has become as natural as breathing. I know that I can count on him, that he really will stand up for me. That's why he's the only person I could think of when I knocked on his door and ask to have sex with me… because I wouldn't feel bad if it were with him, because of everything — and despite everything.
I really didn't expect that these feelings still been inside me, after I had given them up for so long. And I didn't expect that kissing Julian, touching him, feeling his warmth, and tasting him would be my sentence. I'm falling in love all over again, and it's simply terrifying.
Right now, I'm scared as hell.
And the way Julian stands up, fully awake, shows that these four words, we need to talk, have the force of a punch in the stomach, the speed of a blink, and the strength of a bullet right in the chest. He reaches out to turn on the lampshade, but I interrupt him, holding his hand gently.
“Leave it off.” I whisper, intertwining our hands.
He lets his arm relax and rest on the mattress, but doesn't unclench his fingers from mine. Then I feel his other hand searching my face, touching me tenderly. And I close my eyes, snuggling into his warmth.
I can't fall in love with you again, Julian.
“You didn't like it?” He asks fearfully, and I open my eyes, adjusting them to the darkness of the night.
“No, I really liked it.” I moved closer, touching his neck, feeling the warmth of his skin against my palm, “It was amazing.”
I see him hesitate, shivering, as if searching for the right words.
“But?” That's all that Julian struggles to say.
“But I'm scared.” I confess, sliding my thumb along his jaw, “I'm…” I sigh and change the word because this is a secret kept long ago, in the deeps of my heart, and can never be spoken, “Attracted to you.”
“I'm attracted to you too.” He whispers, leaning in slightly so that our breaths mingle, and our lips are a few inches apart, “I think about you all the time. About kissing you, touching you…”
“Exactly.” I lean my forehead against his, “Me too. That's why I'm afraid. I fear that we have crossed a definite line… that our friendship will never be the same.”
“Hey.” He strokes my hair gently, making me close my eyes. “Weren't you the one who kept saying all the time how I'm a manwhore, who's used to having multiple flings?”
I feel his laugh close to my lips.
“But you are.” I mumble, fighting my own silly grin, which insists on appearing whenever he smiles.
“If that's what you think, what's the problem? I wouldn't let our friendship end because of sex…. Nothing is going to change between us, except for the fact that I'm going to make you moan and cum.” His husky voice makes me arch my back, and I realize that my knees are going up his leg without me taking any notice of it.
“So, you can keep a friendship with sex like it's nothing?” I raised an eyebrow.
“Yes, I can. That's a concept that already exists, and it's called friends with benefits.” He gives a smile and brushes his lips against mine, then adds, “Right now, we're friends who had a one-night stand. But we can be friends with benefits…. The possibilities between us are… wide.”
Friends with benefits…
“But what if…” My voice fails, I'm unable to say…
*What if I end up falling in love even more, to the point of being simply intolerable?*
Really, I can't say.
“But I told you, remember? That you shouldn't have sex like it was nothing… I mean, it's natural for me, but isn’t for you.” He stops, and I can see his hesitation, “That's why, if you want to forget tonight, Angel… I will forget.”
I hold my breath because I'm uncertain… Because even if I try hard — really hard —, I don't know if I'll be able to forget…
And that just makes me even more scared.
“I don't want to forget, but if you tell me to pretend this never happen, I'll do it.” His words are sweet and slightly sad, I can feel it as they reverberate through my lips, which are close to his.
“I just can't lose you, Julian.” I confess, brushing our lips together, snuggling even closer to his body, feeling his warmth on my skin, his hard chest against mine. “Not you.”
“You won't.” He gives me a dry kiss on the lips, almost innocent, and fits his thumb between my jaw and ear, while fitting his remaining fingers into the back of my neck, pulling me closer. “Even if you say you want to forget about it, pretend nothing happened, our friendship will remain the same… I just won't be able to hold you like this.”
I close my eyes, feeling the sweet rub of his mouth on mine, as he pulls my bottom lip with his two lips, “I won't kiss you like this.”
“Okay, you've convinced me.” I say with a smile and feel him let out a husky laugh against my lips.
Then he turns serious, leaning his forehead against mine, hugging me awkwardly…
“Be honest, okay? Do you regret it?” He asks, after a long moment of silence that makes a lump form in my throat and tears appear in my eyes.
No, I don't regret it.
Not a moment, not an instant.
And it scares me to know that, even though I fear this will ruin our friendship, I'm selfish enough to have enjoyed it so much… That I would do it all over again, without even batting an eye.
And maybe my silence is torturing him, because I can feel his body trembling slightly and his breathing becoming heavy.
“No, not a bit.”
I wish I could regret it.
*But maybe… my feelings for you are deeper than I thought, Julian… Even if you're not aware of them.*
“So… This mean you want to be friends with benefits with me?” He asks teasingly, with a smirk.
I close my eyes, knowing that I may regret this bitterly… that my heart is at risk and may be broken, shattered into a million little pieces…
But I don't care… Because when it comes to Julian, I never stick to reason.
“Yeah… Let's be friends with benefits.”
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