62 — It hurts like hell…
I feel like the world is falling apart.
Julian words had the force of a punch to the stomach. And I'm sure my heart missed a beat.
My eyes burn.
My hands shake.
My whole body freezes, and I could swear the blood has frozen inside my veins.
Even my throat dries, narrows, constricts.
My mouth is suddenly bitter.
Because here it is, the moment I feared the most… the moment when everything between us would end.
Yes, it has come, and now that I'm listening to him say those painful words, I realize that was never prepared to hear them. Not fully. Not with the weight they carry… Not with the pain they cause in my heart…. with this deep sadness that consumes every part of my chest.
Even though my eyes are burning, and maybe they're watering, I try hard… Even if my expression probably gives away how much it hurts, I really do my best to smile.
But yeah, it really hurts.
It hurts like hell…
That's all right… I just need to hold on a little longer.
“Okay.” I say, struggling to swallow the lump that has shaped in my throat. “Thanks for telling me.”
Julian's eyes soften, and I see sadness shining in them… *And I know, Julian… this is hard for you too. You're probably scared of hurting me, but it's okay…* It's okay because it was worth it.
“I'm sorry.” He says, lowering his eyes, looking at the hand that holds mine, at the way our fingers intertwine.
“No, hey, it's okay… I told you it would only be once, everything else was a bonus.” I give a low laugh, fighting back tears this time. “It meant a lot to me… *losing it* with you.”
I feel him squeeze my hand slightly harder.
“You always own my firsts.” I give him a gentle smile, and facing the confusion in his eyes, my heart beat harder.
Julian opens his lips to answer me, but I just stand up, making him swallow the words that I'm not sure, but would probably hurt too. And I don't need other ones to cut my chest, it's already wide open and bleeding.
But it's okay because, from the beginning, I knew this would happen. I knew that Julian and I weren't meant to last, that it would be temporary.
In the end, I was also just another one of his flings. Of course, I don't blame him. I've put myself in that position, choosing to be his friend with benefits, even though I knew it would never be enough for my fallen heart.
If there's anyone to blame, it's me.
I turn off the shower and lower my eyes to Julian again, to his clothes soaking wet, the way the fabric sticks to his skin, to his shapely muscles. And normally that would bring intense heat to my lower belly, but I can't feel anything but sadness… a hole in my chest that seems to pull everything into the void, like a damn black hole.
“You should take off those wet clothes, you'll catch a cold.” I say calmly, resting my hands on my waists.
Julian leans his head against the wall and tilts it slightly, raising his eyes to look at me. And I confess, the intensity of his gaze makes me hold my breath — his eyes are a few shades darker, but an absurdly attractive dark green. There’re feelings that I don't understand overshadowing them, but trying to understand that would only make my pain worse.
“Angel.” He says my nickname in a low, slightly husky tone. “I'm going to miss you.”
My chest is burning.
“I'm not going anywhere.” I take a deep breath, swallowing hard, pushing that damn knot past my throat. “Everything will go back to the way it was before, have you forgotten?”
He doesn't say anything… just stares at me, with this intensity that makes my chest burn more… Because I know, I'm lying to myself. There’re no way things can go back to the way they were before. This is just an excuse I made up to pacify my fears… Nothing but an excuse.
“Yeah…” He sighs, still looking at me, “Everything will go back to the way it was before.”
Julian then stands up, leaning on the wall. I reach up to help him, but I remember how he rejected my touch earlier, so I just retract my hand slightly. He's looking at me with his gaze down at my height, like he always does — how it has always been. And I lift my face slightly to follow the expression on his face… an expression I can't read.
“It's okay, I'm fine… you can go home, Angel.”
He's dismissing me… Okay, fine….
Yeah, it's okay, Angelee… *Don't cry yet.*
“Are you sure?” I force a smile. “I'd feel really guilty if you fell and hit your head.”
He returns the smile, slightly amused, while saying, “Then you'd just have to take care of me.”
Oh. That hurts… I don't think I can take his flirty way.
But I can’t be weak, so I just laugh off, “I'm sorry, I wouldn't have time for that… My boss likes to overload me with work.”
Julian raises an eyebrow, his smile widening. “Well, I hear your boss is a really good boss. He's handsome, pleasing and gives you time off.”
“I think we're talking about the wrong person.” I cross my arms, with the playful tone in my voice.
“I'm not handsome?” He says with a fake offense, putting his hand on his chest, pretending to be hurt.
I roll my eyes and start to walk out of the bathroom. But I turn around, looking over my shoulder, and add, “Make sure you take off those clothes. You might not hit your head, but I guarantee you'll get a cold if you keep wearing that.”
“I told you; you just need to take care of me.” He smiles… And that smile is the same as a thousand blades piercing my chest.
“Good night, Julian.” I say, gripping the doorknob and closing the door the moment I step out of the bathroom.
I take a deep breath, just a moment, before hurrying my step out of his apartment… feeling my eyes stinging, my throat closing so tight I can't breathe. That's why I searched the small hall like I was drowning in the ocean, looking for the surface.
I'm almost stretching my hands to reach for the light, for air to fill my lungs….
And when I finally leave the apartment and close the door in a low thud, I lean my back against it, already unable to control the sob that leaks from my tight chest.
A sob escapes my lips, and I quickly bring my hands up to muffle the others that threaten to come out too. Tears also start rolling down my face, even though I fight them so bravely.
I try to stop this crying, but… I just can't.
My heart is broken… there are so many pieces that I'm afraid I won't be able to rebuild it again. I'm afraid to bow down to pick up these shards and bleed my hands doing it because, gosh, this is the first time in years that I've felt so sad… I really thought I'd already felt the worst pain in the world losing my mom, but… This kind of pain manages to lacerate my chest in an entirely different way.
I feel like I'm losing everything all over again. Which is funny because, at the same time, it's like I never had anything to lose it.
This is a terrible feeling.
I crouch down, sliding down his door until I sit on the floor, hugging my legs. And I know that should get up and go home, try to drag my body to my bed, to my comfort pillow, but there's no strength in me. So I just rest my forehead on my knees and seal my lips tightly so that no sobs escape again.
And while I close my eyes, I can't help the memories coming back to my mind… Memories of the day I lost my mother….
*The day I first met Julian and my father, seven years ago.*
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