61 — JULIAN ADAMS (POV)

“There's something going on, isn't there?” Mike asks, looking directly into my eyes.
“What do you mean?” I clear my throat, taking a sip of the drink the bartender has just placed on the bar, already ordering another.
“I know you well enough, and even if I didn't, I'd still know there's something going on with you.” He sighs and shakes his head. “You can tell me.”
*So this is a new way of torturing me…? Of punishing me for sleeping with your little girl?* Well, I have to admit… It's really effective.
I open my lips because I need to say it, but those words are stuck in my throat. Even though I sigh deeply and am convinced that I have to tell him, no sound rolls off my tongue. In fact, my mouth is so dry that I hasten the bartender to give me another shot.
“Is it about your family?” He asks, looking down at the bar. “About your brother?”
I roll my eyes, annoyance settling in my guts. “I haven't heard from them in a long time. It's better it's that way… it's not like I want contact with them, anyway.”
“You've gotten too involved in my problems, Juls.” He props his elbow on the counter and his cheek on his fist, directing his body towards me. “Sometimes I get worried about you.”
“I'm not drunk enough for this emotional stuff.” I say with a chuckle, and soon I hear his low chuckle too… It somewhat eases my nerves.
I run a hand through my hair, messing it up even more.
“Okay… Just keep in mind that you and Angelee are my family.” He says, squeezing my shoulder in a display of affection that has been our way of showing how much we appreciate each other since forever. “You're like my little brother, Julian… Don't forget that.”
Damn.
I lower my head, a lump in my throat.
“Yeah…” I bring my hand up to my face, hiding my face that's maybe red from the alcohol, fearing that he may catch the guilt that's almost overflowing in my eyes.
“Well, if it's not about your family… It's a woman?” Mike says, making me flinch. “Oh, yeah… Of course, it is. What else could stir a man so much, if it's not a lady or a daughter?” He gives a discreet smile.
I let out a short sigh, pressing my fingers to my closed eyelids. So, giving an even longer sigh, I open my eyes, ready for another sip of the whiskey.
Is he being ambiguous? Is he trying to make me admit this guilt with my own words? I really don't know…
All I can say, with my voice almost failing me, is, “Yes… It's a woman.”
*Your daughter.*
Damn.
“I see… that's why you've been strange lately.” He shakes his head and gives a cocky smile. “You're in love.”
What? No.
Of course not.
“In love?” I give a nasal, skeptical laugh… “Of course I'm not in love.”
That's absurd… I'm just feeling guilty for sleeping with his daughter. I care about Angelee, about Mike, that's all. In love? I wouldn't say I'm in love with her — but how can I say this? I can't.
Hah…. I sigh harshly again when I notice that Mike has an annoying smirk on his lips.
“I'm not.” I emphasize, my voice deeper.
“If you say so.” Mike's grin widens, and I roll my eyes, feeling a discomfort spread through my chest, my throat going dry… Luckily, I already have the new dose in front of me. But just as I'm about to flip it all over, he adds, drawing my eyes, “But if you're affected by her, doesn't that mean something?”
“Maybe.” I run my hand through my hair again, uneasy.
“Is she that special?”
“Yes.” I answer shortly again, taking a smaller sip this time.
And it's precisely because she's special that I'm like this… After all, what I've been doing with Angelee… It's not something a father would want his best friend to do with his daughter… Especially a guy like me. Ten years older. Someone who has never truly committed to anyone. Someone he considers like a younger brother.
I feel wrong in so many ways.
So guilty.
*… We shouldn't be doing this.*
“So… Will you finally be dominated?” Mike gives me a sarcastic smile, but I can't smile back, even when I push the corner of my lips up. “That would be something completely new.”
“No…” I shake my head, looking down at the empty glass, “We'll finish it all.”
Mike looks at me surprised, “Why would you do that?”
“You know me… Since when has a single woman been capable of satisfying me?” I give a bitter smile, feeling my mouth bitter....
Yes, it's better this way... Angelee and I can't be together. From the beginning, this was a mistake, and I should have stopped... I'm the responsible for things getting to this point.
Because I knew she was frail from all the things she went through with Eric and Laura. And I knew that, if we crossed that line, it would be hard to get back behind it. But now, we have to go back, we have to turn around... Because I don't want to hurt them. Not Angelee, not Michael.
That's it.
Just like I promised her... I'll be honest — and we'll go back to the point before the moment she knocked on my door.
***
We get back to the apartment, and I admit... my mind isn't in the right place.
Mike is without his keys... being so far from home has made him forget the habit of carrying them. So I'm propped up against my own door, waiting for him to enter his apartment. And when the door opens, I feel a chill in my chest, almost like I've been punched in the stomach. Because there she is, with her long messy brown hair, in a loose outfit that would look even better if it were my shirt.
Shit.
I close my eyes and tilt my head up to face the ceiling.
No, I can't see her like this. I don't want to say any nonsense.
“See you tomorrow, Juls!” Mike says and, while saying something to Angel, starts to close the door. I unconsciously return my gaze, just to look at her one last time before this dream ends. Then I notice that she's looking at me too, with an expression that makes my chest tighten.
I hold my breath when the door closes.
Running my hand through my hair, I enter my apartment that's so... empty. Has it always been like this?
I feel like something is missing.
But as I look around, I see that everything is in its place... What a strange feeling.
I don't know how I get to the bathroom, but I do it, somehow.
And I don't know how got under the shower either, while I hadn't even taken off my clothes... In fact, I've been soaking wet, sitting on the floor for at least a few minutes.
“Julian?”
That's crazy... I think I drank too much... Even Angelee's voice I can hear now.
“Julian!” I startle, looking surprised at the door. My eyes widen slightly as I notice that she's standing in the bathroom doorway, leaning against the door frame with a serene expression on her face, despite having called out to me in a considerably loud and serious voice.
“What are you doing here?”
“You didn't lock the door.” She says, getting into the bathroom. Her movements seem slower than they really are, and I blame the drink for that.
I really shouldn't mix it up like that, but... Well, I guess I'll need it more often from now on.
“Sorry to barge in like this, you don't look too good, so I came to help you...” She says, bending down, sitting on her legs, and stretching her hand towards me.
But I can't let her touch me…
Otherwise, I'll give myself in again.
That's why I hold her wrist and lower it slightly, releasing it soon after... She watches this movement with attentive eyes, and when she raises them to my face again, I can see sadness in them.
Rejecting her touch hurts, but...
“Angel, I promised that I would tell you if we had to turn around and go back to where we were, right?” My voice comes out hoarse and so faint I can barely hear it.
She nods, silently, sealing her lips tightly.
“You know, don't you?” I give her a sad smile — at least, I try to smile... because seeing her lips glistening with tears breaks my heart.
Forgive me, my little Angel.
It's all my fault.
I lower my eyes to her hand and gently hold it, intertwining our fingers... this is the best I'll be able to touch her from now on.
“Let's go back.” I struggle to say through the lump in my throat. And I lift my eyes again, to her sad face. “Let's go back to being just friends.”