129 — Two lines...

When Julian told me that I should stay at home and rest, I breathed a deep sigh of relief, but as the hours passed, my anxiety grew. Julian’s words tormented me, especially his puffy, bloodshot eyes when he returned to bed with a hot tea that calmed my stomach, my nerves, and my mind. However, this peace didn’t last long... I kept thinking about how I could ask for honesty when I’m hiding something so important, postponing the inevitable.
All night long, I kept thinking about that...
That’s why I went to the nearest convenience store early this morning and bought some pregnancy tests.
And now, my trembling hands hold this small object that carries so much importance, the weight of my life... *of our lives.*
That’s the fourth test I’ve taken, and the result is the same — two lines that define our destiny.
I’m really pregnant, and now that the truth is before my eyes, I simply collapse.
My vision goes dark, and I put my hands on the marble sink. I can no longer look at myself in the mirror because my pale reflection has turned to nothing but darkness like I had closed my eyes. Well, I don’t know, maybe I closed them.
I can’t think straight; my head is in pure chaos...
My mind is messy, with thoughts so fast they could tie themselves in knots.
I lose balance, my legs suddenly weak, and I slide slowly to the floor, falling to my knees with my hands still resting on the sink... until I finally sit down, now feeling the cold porcelain tiles under my palms — and the icy sensation awakens something in me, like a snap of reality that makes a sob escape through my lips.
And one by one, they escape quietly, just like the tears that have been stuck in my eyes.
This intense emotion is overwhelming me... it’s like a wave of fear and joy that I can’t even put into words. I don’t know how I can cry and smile at the same time, but yet, my face is wet from my watery eyes, and there’s a silly smile on my lips, a laugh that breaks out, and I don’t know if it’s because I’m happy or nervous, and maybe it’s both.
I don’t know how to react.
Is there even a right way to respond to this?
Having the certainty in my hands brings an intense chill to my belly because now I’m sure that I’m going to be a mother.
“Oh, gosh...” I mumble, trying to cover my lips with my trembling hands, but the sobs keep escaping. I’m starting to hyperventilate, my heart beating so, so fast... “What do I do now, Mom?”
*I wish that you were here right now, stroking my back, telling me that it’s going to be okay... that I can do this, just like you did. But even so, missing you hurts, Mom... it’s like having my chest ripped open... it’s like drowning in the middle of a vast ocean, trying to breathe.*
And just like that, all the memories I shared with my mother, the earliest of them, hit me so strongly that I choked... I used to look at my mother as the center of the world. She always meant everything to me.
I finally manage to fill my lungs to the max, and my whole body calms down. Suddenly, I feel a strange peace, a smooth sensation on my skin, and I can’t help but imagine what Mom’s embrace would feel like if she were here now.
It pains me to admit it, but I really can’t remember what her touch was like, and I can’t picture her face clearly in my mind. They said it’s my brain’s defense mechanism, something like that. So all that’s left is the love I’ve always felt, which has never gone away, even though she’s gone and left me behind. And if before I wondered why the heavens didn’t take me with her, I can understand why now.
Now, I find myself wondering if my mother also felt this way when she found out about her pregnancy. Was she afraid? Did she have doubts? Did she also let that different, strange happiness bring smiles and tears and steal her breath away?
I really wish she were by my side now, touching my hair like when I was just a kid. I want to lay my head on her lap and spend hours just listening to her sing or tell a story like I used to. I miss it so much… She always meant everything to me.
It was to her arms that I ran when I hurt my knees, when I was afraid of the dark, of the horror stories they told at school. She was the one who comforted me, said that none of this existed — and if it did, she would *beat the crap out of these monsters.* She checked under my bed every night, even if I didn’t ask, and always brought me hot chocolate and a single cookie as a treat. She loved to cook and used to say that I was her helper, even if all I did was mix a few ingredients and taste the final dish.
My mother was the most loving, sweet, and kind woman I’ve ever met, but I found myself in a completely gray world when she left me.
The city, the sky, the people... It’s almost like everything was dull. And if I wasn’t crying, curled up in the corner of some dark room, my face was lifeless. I always thought that a part of me had died with my mother.
But now, it’s like a flower appears amid the emptiness that was in me. A tiny life that just by existing brings even brighter colors to my surroundings, more than the one Julian brought me.
“My child... I’m scared.”
Yes, I’m scared... For me, for Julian, for all of us.
I’m a grown woman, but I still feel like I’m starting life. But I want to be good like my mother. I want to cuddle my child in my arms and sing lullabies. I want to stroke their hair when they lie on my lap, and I want to cook all the recipes I’ve learned and kept hidden in the back of my mind.
I want to be a shelter, someone who will understand them and be there to support and teach them about life while I’m learning, too.
I want to be a good mother.
*But I’m afraid I won’t make it.*
I touch my belly slowly, finding nothing different, but I know that my child is growing there, the baby of the man I love... and that brings an even more intense chill to my chest, but a good one.
Yes, I’m pregnant with Julian’s child... And I wonder how he will react. Thinking about it brings a chill to my stomach that rises to my chest and narrows my throat again. A sob even threatens to escape my lips, but I swallow it tightly along with the knot that was tight there.
My heart speeds up, beating so, so fast.
*How will Julian react?*
I stand up slowly, looking at myself in the mirror. I’m not as pale as before... in fact, my cheeks are flushed, and my eyes are bright despite the sad expression that shows my concern. I lower my gaze to the four tests now lined up, all positive — and once again, I feel like crying.
I can’t think of Julian right now... not now.
But still, I hesitantly pick up my phone and open Julian’s messages. The last thing he texted was asking me if I was feeling better... And it was before I peed on these tests.
I’m shaking like it’s the middle of winter. There are still no snowflakes falling outside, just a cloudy late autumn sky, but I just feel like I’m freezing. My fingers are ready to press the letters and answer him, but I can’t. After all, what will I say? I can’t just say that I’m pregnant via text... And I can’t ask him to rush home, after all, there’s a very important meeting about to happen.
There’s nothing left but to wait...
However, my heart beats so hard that it feels like it’s about to rip out of my chest. It’s painful, almost like I can feel every vein pulsing. Goosebumps run through my skin like electricity, and I find myself gasping for air, panting and shaking to the point where my phone falls onto the sink.
I’m starting to hyperventilate again, with tears in my eyes. I hear my phone beeping, and my anxious eyes quickly read the messages he just sent me,
ㅤ
**Julian ❤️**
*Angel? Did something happen?*
*Do you need me home?*
ㅤ
Heavens, of course, I need you here!
I need you so, so much, Julian...
But I need to wait... just a little longer, until you get home.
My vision is blurred by crying, and sobs break out in silence.
I can’t answer it. I can’t pick up my phone and type anything besides the truth... that he’s going to be a father and that I want him here so much. I want to tell him that I’m scared of his reactions because he’s being weird but that I don’t want to keep hiding anything from him...
That I love him so much that I’m ready to face everything that will come with him...
But I’m freezing... I’m sorry, my love, just a little longer...
“Angelee?” I startle and lift my eyes, seeing, through the mirror, a blonde hair and a worried face.
I turn abruptly, leaning my back on the sink, and gasp, *“Cathy?* What are you doing here?”
“I called, but you didn’t hear, and the door was open… Sorry, I was worried...” Her voice fails as she moves her eyes down to the pregnancy tests next to me. Her eyebrows rise, and she opens her lips to say something, but no sound comes out.
I quickly wipe away a tear and turn around, picking up all the tests and bringing them to my chest. Honestly, I don’t know why I feel this sudden urge to protect something so simple.
“Julian is not home,” I say quickly, my back to her, with a tightness in my throat that makes my voice come out shaky. “He’s at work.”
“I know. I didn’t come all this way for him.” She says, making me meet her blue eyes in the mirror. “Actually, he asked me to check up on you.”
“What?” I frown, squeezing the test a little tighter. “Why?”
“Security guards are a bit too dramatic.” Cathy shrugs, and I feel my own muscles relax. “He’s worried that you’re not feeling well and asked me to keep you company... I can understand why now.”
Her words make me realize that she’s seeing the way I’m holding the tests against my chest because of my reflection. I’m suddenly embarrassed and let go slowly, placing it on the sink again...
“It’s okay,” Cathy says, reaching me to stroke my back slowly... a surprisingly comforting caress. “You’re surprised, scared, and happy at the same time, and those are all valid feelings... You’re not weird for feeling that way.”
I pursed my lips, unable to lift my head or my gaze.
“You can do it.” She says firmly, which makes my eyes sparkle with something I can’t describe.
I close my eyes, feeling great peace in my chest at being under Cathy’s warm comfort.
“This child... It’s a gift for both of you... Hey, I’m sure you two will be able to do it, and all the doubts and fear will fade away eventually, trust me.”
“How can you be so sure?” I ask in a shaky voice, looking straight into her face now.
“Because I’ve already been through this once.”