143 — Be with me.

I feel a chill in my stomach, but the words simply disappear from my tongue. My mouth is bitter, my throat tight. And even if I take a step and stretch out my hand to reach him, I can’t... Julian is too far away, and my body doesn’t seem to obey.
*“The Hiverd...* it’s a restaurant, right?” His voice doesn’t sound angry... in fact, he seems genuinely curious about it.
Still, a drop of sweat trickles down my spine under my blouse.
“Saturday...” Julian suddenly stops reading... Then he turns to me, making my heart stop beating. His expression is confused but not angry. “Did you already have an appointment on Saturday?”
I totally forgot it was this Saturday, but the worst thing was that I forgot to tell Julian about Mrs. Smith’s request. It’s not like I was hiding it... I just didn’t find the right moment to say it, and I had so much on my mind...
But now, it feels like I’ve been hiding it on purpose.
“No, I... I haven’t confirmed it.”
Julian keeps looking at me like my answer wasn’t enough — and it isn’t, I know... There are still doubts all over his face, and I’m afraid they’ll become suspicious...
That’s why I’m quick to add, “Mrs. Smith invited me to her birthday.”
He’s silent for a few moments, his expression numb, and it dismays me because I don’t know what’s going on in his head. His eyes don’t widen in surprise, and there’s no doubt in his expression anymore... it gradually disappears from his now apathetic face.
I gasp, and at the mere sign of my body obeying me, I hush my step towards him. I completely close the distance between us, so fast that I almost throw myself into his arms, but I just rest my hands on his chest, feeling his heart beating against my palm as quickly as mine.
Julian’s eyes lower to meet mine, and I raise my face because I don’t dare break eye contact and lose it for some corner of the room... I need any means to know what Julian is thinking.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before... we didn’t have a chance to talk about it.” My voice comes out shaky, but I struggle to say, “Cathy was with me at the mall when Mrs. Smith called me. We found out that she has... cancer.”
The word *cancer* still comes out bitter, and it hurts my chest every time I say it.
“Cathy told me about it,” Julian says calmly, but his voice is cold, and it sends shivers down my spine. “Not about a birthday party, though.”
My eyes burn, and I curl my fingers into his shirt, leaning my body in search of his heat to warm mine.
“It’s no big deal, Julian... She just invited me to celebrate her birthday, which might be her last.” My hands tremble, but my fingers stay clenched in the fabric. “I didn’t want to hide it from you or anything.”
I know how it sounds... My ex-boyfriend’s mother invited me to something so personal and familiar, and Julian found out by accident in what seemed like an oversight.
Julian sighs, his hands resting next to his body, too far away from mine. My skin misses his touch; my curves have become used to feeling him naturally... But now, he’s not touching me.
Julian holds the card between his fingers, but his hands are far away from me.
“Believe me, I didn’t want to hide this from you,” I whisper, my lashes getting wet. “I didn’t want to.”
Julian sighs and finally lifts his hand to touch my face, his thumb wiping the corner of my eyes, undoing the tears that got there. I hold the air in my lungs, my fingers relaxing their grip on his shirt...
“I made plans, and I didn’t even ask if you could do it.” He says, at last, his voice husky and lower than usual.
My eyes widen, and I nod my head, with despair spreading through my chest... “Of course I can!”
“It’s okay, babe.” He kisses my forehead, and I close my eyes, feeling his words reverberate against it. “I understand... this is important to you, right? I know how important this is to you, Angel... And I know you won’t be at peace with yourself if you don’t go.”
“But...”
“You should go,” Julian says, and I feel the cry catch in my throat, with tears threatening to overflow from my closed eyes, letting his soft, husky voice shake me... “As you said, this may be her last birthday... *But us*, we have all the time in the world.”
With another kiss on my forehead, Julian pulls away slowly and doesn’t look straight at me, which makes me feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach.
Julian hands me the card, which I take with dread... Then he crosses the room, rubbing his hand over his face, and stops by the door...
“Can you get all the things you need? I’m going to take a shower in the meantime, okay?”
“Yeah...” I nod slowly, grabbing my blouse like this silly gesture could ease the pain in my chest. I even crumpled the paper between my fingers without any care.
I watch with anguish as he looks over my shoulder one last time and adds, “Don’t take too long.”
Without waiting for an answer, Julian leaves the room.
I hear his footsteps moving away and the hollow click of the door, and I stagger, sitting on the bed. I run my hand over the sheet, feeling the softness against my skin, but it doesn’t feel good because I’m alone here now... because I could see the sadness in his eyes, even though he’s tried so hard not to show how disappointed he is.
Julian... He’s putting my intentions first, even before us.
And that brings me such conflicting feelings that I don’t even know what I should feel.
I mean, I’m happy that he understands me and that he values how I feel, but I’m also sad that he’s decided to put us aside that easily.
He wanted to spare me the choice, and if it had been before, I’d be grateful for that... But *choosing* doesn’t scare me anymore... making decisions isn’t scary because I have Julian with me.
“Knowing that you would respect my choice is enough for me,” I mutter in the silence of the room, drying the tears that are rolling down my cheeks. I take a deep breath and slap my face with both hands, feeling my cheeks ache and a good dose of courage.
I go to the closet and grab some light clothes, noticing that, little by little, I’m really moving into his apartment.
As I start to pick out my panties, I see a familiar box where I kept the sex toys I bought that time, along with the lingerie Julian tore. A silly smile takes over my lips at the memory, and warmth spreads through my body... *Maybe I should buy him another pair of lingerie.*
I open the box, looking at the dildos, some handcuffs, and other toys I haven’t had the chance to use yet. Naughty thoughts take over my mind, and I catch myself thinking about how Julian would make me use each one. It makes my heart race, and after thinking for a long time, I sigh and take the box with me.
Now that I have everything I need, I hurry to make my way to Julian’s apartment. But as soon as I hold on tightly to the doorknob, I feel afraid to turn it and realize that he has locked me outside. This stupid fear paralyzes me, but I close my eyes and do it, turning slowly and opening the door.
I confess that relief spreads through my body as his apartment reveals itself before my eyes. I don’t delay in entering and locking the door, making sure it’s done with me on the inside. And the moment I get there, I can hear the shower on.
Walking slowly and clutching the clothes hanging from my arm, I make my way down the corridor as the sound of falling water gets louder, especially when I spread his half-open door and get inside his room.
I quickly go to his closet to put the clothes and the box there, finding an empty place right next to him. That brings a silly smile to my lips, a warmth that spreads through my chest. But the sound of his shower awakens me, and I bite my lip, making my decision.
Sighing deeply, I take off my clothes, letting them fall to my ankles. I look at my naked body in the mirror and walk slowly to the bathroom door, which I open with one smooth movement, so much so that Julian doesn’t even notice me coming.
“Julian,” I call out softly, and he turns to me, widening eyes that are incapable of looking at just one place on my naked body; he slides them over my face, my breasts, my thighs...
“That’s not fair.” He mutters, blinking, getting rid of the heavy drops of water that have accumulated on his eyelashes.
I approach him slowly, reducing our distance, the soles of my feet soaking in the hot water. My hand goes to his chest, and I notice that he swallows hard, making his Adam’s apple move.
“Are you mad at me?” My sly tone makes him take a sharp breath, and his hands finally reach my waist.
“I’m not mad at you.”
“But you’re upset.”
“Not with *you.”* Julian sighs, running his hand up my bare back. “I’m just frustrated with the situation.”
“I’m not going if you don’t want me to,” I say firmly, looking straight into his green eyes.
He touches my face, caressing my cheek with his thumb, “But you want to.”
“Yes, I do... But you know what?” I touch his hand and snuggle into his touch. “I’d rather be with you.”
He opens his lips to say something, but I don’t let him finish, as I’m quicker to add, “I’ll just wish Mrs. Smith a happy birthday... Then, let’s have our date.”
Julian’s breathing gets heavier, and his gaze alternates between my lips and my eyes.
“Come with me, love...” I ask, with my voice soft. “Please, I need you to be with me.”
His eyes become more intense as he brushes his thumb against my lips... “Calling me like that, I’ll go wherever you want.”