98 — My 19th Birthday [...]

**Madrid, Spain** — *Four years before.*
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Just like every other time, the day dawned gray and depressed. If it hadn’t been for my father’s decision to take me on a business trip, I would have been in my room under the warm blankets. He didn’t want to leave me alone, and I couldn’t put it off or deny it... That’s why I’m here, looking out of the window of this luxurious penthouse, my eyes fixed on this beautiful setting sun.
“Angelee.” I hear my father’s voice and look away from the horizon I’ve been staring at for I don’t know how long, resting my gaze on him. “Today is your birthday. Are you really planning to spend the day at the hotel?”
I open my lips to answer him, but he’s quicker to add, “No, you’re not. Put on something nice... We’re going to the best club in town.”
I’m not excited, not at all. I can’t smile at my father or show any sign that I’m pleased; I just nod, walking away from the window with dragging steps. His worried eyes are on me, and I really wish I could ease his worries, prove myself strong, or at least pretend that I’m okay, but I can’t — I just can’t, *not today.*
What I can do is obey him like an empty shell, a doll in his hands.
So I put on a nice dress, fix my hair, and put on some light make-up and red lipstick to perhaps disguise my apathy. *The sky and my mood are gray enough.*
The next thing I know, the night has taken over, and Madrid’s lights come on, inviting everyone to a lively evening in the city. It’s my first time overseas, but I still can’t feel touristy enough. I just let my feet guide me back into the hall, equally dragging steps that suddenly stop when my eyes rest on him — on Julian.
“Good, you’re ready!” My father says, flashing a big smile, drawing Julian’s attention to me. Julian’s eyes widen when he sees me, his recomposed face taking on flashes of surprise and happiness that are expressed in the discreet smile. I feel disconcerted, almost like the shy brat I used to be under his eyesight.
Heat spreads through my chest, warming my chilled body and painting my surroundings with vibrant colors that I had forgotten existed.
Suddenly, I feel a little more excited.
If Julian will be by my side tonight, it doesn’t seem so bad anymore.
***
The bustling club around me doesn’t match my mood. People are happy, dancing, talking, and smiling. I wish I could blend in, put on a mask, and act like them. But I can’t, even if I’m alone with Julian at the moment.
My father really went out of his way to make my day more tolerable, booked a VIP space in this club, and made sure I had everything I needed to smile at least a little. But they called him, and he had to go. It’s okay... after all, the reason we’re here is precisely for work. I didn’t feel sad or disappointed about that.
I peek at Julian, who is sitting next to me, although there is a considerable distance between our bodies that allows me to look at him properly. His face remains impassive while his sight is locked on the dancing crowd.
This causes me a sudden discomfort, a hint of pain that makes me lower my eyes to my trembling hands resting in my lap.
“You don’t have to stay here, you know.” My voice, although low, attracts his attention. And at the sight of his intense gaze, his eyes as dark as his tight green shirt, I shudder. *He looks really handsome in green.* “You don’t have to waste your night here.”
“Waste the night?” Julian tilts his head slightly, trying to understand my words as if they made no sense at all. “I’m not losing or wasting anything.”
“You could be doing other things.” I give him a bitter smile that makes him moisten his lips and fidget restlessly. “Like having fun with some woman.”
“Your dad is making misunderstandings in your head.” He grumbles, scratching his growing blond beard. “I’m not a *manwhore.”*
I give a discreet laugh, then sigh, saying in a calm voice, “I’m serious. You don’t need to miss your evening with your best friend’s daughter.”
Julian looks at me intensely, so intensely that I feel the air being stolen from my lungs.
“You’re not just my best friend’s daughter, Angelee.” His tone leaves no doubt that he means it. “Is that how you see me? Your father’s best friend?”
“No. Of course not.” I seal my lips, feeling my heart pounding hard, and lower my eyes again to my hands, the trembling fingers struggling against each other. Just my father’s friend? *I wish it were simply like that.*
“It’s the same — you’re not just Mike’s daughter; you’re my friend too, little girl.”
Friend. Of course, I should be happy about that...
But why is my mouth so bitter?
Why has my throat become so dry?
*Why do I feel even more miserable?*
I inflate my lungs to the max, rescuing the air that Julian’s words have stolen, and let it out harshly through my nose, reaching for the drinks on the table. If the people around me are happy because of the alcohol, I can try it too.
Julian’s eyes are on my quick, anxious movements, blinking slowly as he watches me spill the alcohol into my hand and onto the table, a small mess that’s nowhere near the one inside my chest.
“Are you drinking now?” His calm voice manages to make me even more on edge because his calmness bothers me, chills me... is so different from my chaos.
“Normally, I don’t.” I give another sarcastic smile, picking up the glass with a drink that I honestly don’t know what it is. “I don’t like the numbing sensation, the empty head. But right now, anything is better than how I feel.”
Then I swallow all in one go, drinking it in a single gulp that almost makes me throw up, and add with a grimace, “It doesn’t taste good either.”
Julian still stares at me intensely, making me fidget restlessly and reach for another dose, even though it came down aching and wetting my eyes with its strong, disgusting taste.
“Angelee.” I look up at him, resentful and hurt, but none of these feelings are his fault. If there’s one thing Julian has always done, it’s to make everything more tolerable. “Why are you like this?”
I sigh, running a hand through my hair, moving my gaze once again to some other corner, “You know why.”
Today is the anniversary of my mother’s death.
How could I not be feeling so miserable?
“Yes, but today is also your birthday.” He says firmly, making me fidget. “I know better than anyone how you’re feeling. I know what it’s like to lose someone who means the world to you; it’s a pain that has no end.”
“Then why are you asking me the reason?” I cluck my tongue, turning my sharp eyes on him. “Today marks exactly three years since she died, and every year that passes by, I feel worse.”
Julian’s gaze softens, making me uncomfortable again. I pour myself another shot of that awful drink, holding my breath.
“I know.” He says, and I freeze, stopping the bottle in mid-air, almost dripping out. “But it’s your birthday, one of the few days still worth celebrating it.”
He leans over the table and starts pouring himself a drink. I find myself caught up in his movements, the elegance with which the alcohol slides into the glass without any mess. And it really disconcerts me.
“So it’s okay; you can keep drinking out of sorrow.” He raises his glass in a toast, looking straight into my eyes. “I’ll drink to celebrate for you.”
His words stun me, and I blink a few times, watching him down the whole drink in a single gulp, but with such ease and serenity that I catch myself letting my breath out.
As he slams the glass back down on the table with a smile, I feel the thud reach my ears and reverberate through my chest, making my heart skip a beat and speed up its pace.
I open my lips, a warm breath escaping through them, and my tongue rolls out the words before I even discern them... “You really are a great guy, aren’t you?”
Julian freezes, holding his breath, looking at my face, at my mouth that has taken on a life of its own and is confessing things I never thought it would... “I’m really lucky to have you.”
I give him a subtle smile, relaxing my back on the couch as I realize he’s still frozen, his eyes slightly widened with surprise and something strange shining in them.
“Thank you for being here with me, for always being with me.” I tuck a lock of hair behind my ear, averting my eyes fearfully as I take a deep breath and gather all my courage to say it. I need to say, even if he doesn’t know the depth of my feelings... *Even if he’s not aware of what those three words truly mean.*
“I love you, Julian. And I’m really grateful to have you.”
I notice that he takes a deep breath, and an odd tension builds between us, so intense that it makes the air almost palpable. My skin shivers, and I force myself to look away, staring at the untouched alcohol in my glass. And as if I were in the middle of a desert, thirsty and my body burning, I swallow all the strong drink.
Julian keeps looking at me, *staring,* and I really wish I could understand what’s going on in his mind. But his expression doesn’t give away his thoughts for even a glimpse. He just stays in silence, his eyes slightly wide, as I keep drinking, suddenly embarrassed of what I’ve just said.
I slam the glass down hard on the table, and the clink of it seems to break the spell Julian was under because he finally blinks and fidgets, leaning back against the couch and breathing deeply again...
And now, I’m beginning to regret turning the drinks over so quickly; they’re strong and starting to make everything spin around me.
“I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to truly celebrate this day together with you,” I say suddenly, making him wince as my voice sounds a little more excited, attracting his attention and making him turn his surprised face towards me. “But I’ll do my best to celebrate today... for you and Daddy.”