132 — Endless cycle.

I still remember when my mother said those exact same words to me.
Mom said *I have cancer* with a serene smile on her lips and a calm expression that didn’t match at all the seriousness of her illness. Her bright eyes carried no sadness in them, unlike mine, which were blurry by the tears I cried for both of us.
I was scared, but I believed that the chemotherapy and treatments could save Mom, but she became weaker and weaker. Her hair fell out at the slightest caress I made, and visits to the hospital became more frequent, as did her stay. Long nights and days in that white room, months facing absurd pain, but always with a smile on her face — this was Elisa, my mother, my light.
So I started smoking cigarettes, looking for nicotine to calm me down. My nerves were always on the edge, and I got into arguments easily, fighting and pushing everyone away because of my destructive behavior... because I wasn’t able to deal with the pain inside me, with my mother’s illness corrupting me. I found myself lonely, angry, afraid, and without a future because of those three words.
“I have cancer.”
The world goes dark around me again, just as it did when I heard my mother say the same thing. I feel like the air has been swiped from the world, and there is nothing left to breathe. I try to inflate my lungs, but everything is spinning, and I lose control of my body, the strength in my legs wavering and threatening to take me to the ground.
“Angel!” Cathy’s desperate shout makes me open my eyes while her arms support me, making my back rest on her breasts. She holds me tightly, a strength I myself didn’t know existed in her slender, elegant body. “Okay, I think you both need a hospital!”
Drops of sweat drip under my clothes, sliding slowly down my cold skin, bringing a chill that feels almost like electricity. Still, I’m burning inside, a heat that rises at my throat and settles in my head, leaving it foggy.
“Sit there...” Cathy guides me to Mrs. Smith’s side, seating me on the couch as she passes me a glass of water that I don’t know how it reached us. “You look pale... I should call Julian-”
“No!” I hold Cathy’s wrist, pouring some water, as my eyes finally find focus — and I can see her worried face, her blue eyes reflecting care, her eyebrows low and frowning. “Don’t call him... he has an important meeting...”
“You’re more important.” She lowers her eyes, looking at my belly, and I know what she means.
But I just shake my head, gripping the glass a little tighter with trembling hands. I start taking a discreet sip, just wetting my mouth, but I drink everything until there are only a few drops left...
“I’m fine... It’s probably just a bit of low blood pressure.”
“I’m sorry, dear...” Mrs. Smith says suddenly, and then I remember those three terrible words and the fact that things seem to be repeating themselves. She still holds the bloody handkerchief between her fingers, and even though my eyes are focused on the stain, she doesn’t try to hide it anymore. “I really didn’t want you to find out that way.”
I swallow hard, my eyes aching, and shift my gaze to the floor, to the clothes, the mannequins, to the tiny white dress that has captured my attention before...
And just like that, a lump forms in my throat, with sobs catching up there. A tear falls from my eye; it doesn’t even roll down my cheek... like it’s too heavy... like it’s carrying the weight of all my suffering, my sadness at being trapped in this endless cycle.
Why does this damned disease always take something from me? First, my mother... And now, it’s ruining the day I find out I’m going to be one.
But that’s not all — it steals smiles, happiness, days and months and years, moments that could have been lived, memories that could have been made. It’s like it takes everything and leaves only sadness in its place, only grief and longing... Something so terrible and hopeless that I swear I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, not even for Eric, that had hurt, betrayed, and broken me.
“It’s in the lungs... your mother, too, right?” It’s not really a question, but Mrs. Smith looks at me expectantly. She reaches for my trembling hand, catching my fearful eyes. “I know it’s a lot to ask, especially now that I know what my son did to you. I had no idea that Eric had been lying to me all this time, let alone that he had the guts to betray someone as special as you, darling... You deserve the world... few people have hearts like yours, so pure and beautiful... Honestly, I even feel a little sad about losing you too...”
I shake my head, my throat tight, but I don’t even dare open my lips because I know that no words will escape.
“My time is limited, but isn’t everyone’s? The difference is that for most of us, the deadline is a mystery.” She gives me a reassuring smile that reminds me of my mother.
I swallow hard, but the sobs are still there, stuck in my throat.
“We need to enjoy life’s moments, even the simplest ones, and we must not forget that we’re just passing through this world; everything comes to an end, even our lives, our happiness, or our suffering.” She brightly pats my hand. “You deserve to be happy, darling.”
Another heavy tear falls from my eye, and she reaches out to touch my face, stroking me gently as she adds, “It’s shameful of me to ask you to come to my birthday, I know... But I really want to be surrounded by the people I love; that may be the last time.”
I purse my lips, completely speechless, my eyes aching so badly that I don’t know how long I’ll be able to hold back the tears.
Mrs. Smith respects my silence and strokes my cheek one last time before pulling her hand away and reaching into her handbag for something, saying, “You don’t have to answer me now; I know none of this is easy for you... just get the address, okay?”
When she finally pulls out a small card, she looks at me again with bright eyes that are also glistening with tears, handing it to me. “If it touches your heart to go there, know that you will be welcome... not as Eric’s girlfriend, but as the daughter I would have liked to have had.”
While I’m picking up the card, Mrs. Smith is already getting up. She puts the handkerchief back in her handbag and hands her own glass of water to the young attendant while thanking her peacefully and glancing at Cathy, who has a strange expression on her face; they stare for a few brief moments until Mrs. Smith’s eyes turn to me again.
“Don’t hesitate to call me if you need to. You know my number and address; it’s still the same...” Mrs. Smith pauses, then sighs, “The world may have many sad things and perhaps seem colorless, but there are many more blessings around us; we just need to appreciate them more than the challenges we encounter.”
I nod, still without the strength to speak, and Mrs. Smith quickly leaves, looking, somehow, full of life...
And when I lose sight of her, I just collapse. Tears start to fall, one by one, as I let out these sobs. I prop my elbows on my legs and hide my face behind my hands, not knowing exactly why I’m crying...
But Cathy kneels on the floor in front of me and pulls me into a warm embrace, allowing me to cry in her arms.
Without saying a word, she just stands there, stroking my back and letting me cry my eyes out. And somehow, that’s exactly what I needed — a genuine shoulder to lean on.
ㅤ
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I’ve been lying on Julian’s bed, staring at the same corner for at least thirty minutes. My eyes are swollen and tired, and my head feels like it’s about to explode. I can also hear the conversation in the other room, Cathy’s low voice explaining the whole situation at the mall, and Julian’s a little louder, almost desperate, yelling, *“Cancer?”*
Hearing this word feels like a blade going through my chest... Well, I’ve never literally felt a blade pierce through, but I feel like the description of this horrible sensation is as accurate as possible.
*“Jesus Christ...”* Julian mutters and says something else I can’t hear, *“Do you think it’s serious?”*
*“The woman puked blood in front of us, Julian; I think that’s pretty serious.”* Cathy retorts, and the sound of her shoes on the floor drowns out some of her voice. *“She seems like a really sweet woman, Juls... She doesn’t deserve that. I mean, even if she were as terrible as her son, she’d still not deserve that...”*
*“I get it, Cathy, it’s just... How could Eric hide something like that from his mother?”*
*“I think he was afraid to tell his mother... it’s not the best time to admit that he was an asshole who cheated on the girl his mother adores.”*
A long minute of silence falls between them, and all I can hear is my heavy breathing and my heart.
*“Shit,”* Julian says at last, and more footsteps, some other noises that I can’t exactly define. *“How is Angel?”*
*“She’s fine for now, but you should keep an eye on her. Make sure she eats something and doesn’t get too stressed.”* Cathy pauses, *“Take care of them - uh, I mean, of everything.”*
*“Right, thanks, Cathy.”*
*“Call me if you need anything.”*
I can hear the door closing and Julian’s footsteps becoming louder and heavier as he approaches. I close my eyes as the door opens slowly and sigh.
He walks over to the bed and sits down next to me; his weight on the mattress makes me open my eyes again and find concern in his green eyes... in fact, it’s all over his face.
Julian touches my face, stroking it slowly, taking a small lock of hair from my cheek, and tucking it behind my ear... “Are you okay?”
I nod slowly, holding his eyes with mine.
“I’m sorry, babe... I was supposed to be by your side.”
“You had an important meeting.”
“You’re more important,” Julian says with a certainty that makes me smile because I can see that Cathy was right. Julian sees me as the most important thing in his world, and I wonder if our child will also be the priority in his life.
Seeing him now, at this moment, knowing that I’m carrying his baby in my tummy... I want to tell him now. I want to see his reaction... I’ve been waiting for this all day long!
But now, I don’t know if I have the strength for an even more intense rollercoaster of emotions.
“Julian?” I call out and notice that his gaze softens even more.
“Yeah?”
“Can you hold me?” I ask with fragility in my voice, and I don’t mind showing how much I need him, his embrace, his warmth.
He doesn’t say anything; he just gets up and removes his shoes, taking off his tie while lying down next to me. His firm arm wraps around me, and I cuddle into his body, fitting in a perfect spoon, with an intense and quick peace taking over my chest, relaxing my muscles and calming my heart.
Honestly, I don’t know what I’ll do from now on, but today... All I need is to feel Julian’s love.