58 — Becoming a bad person

It doesn't take much time for the damage to be done. In my case, a few hours completely changed the image people had of me — which was already not good, by the way.
When I arrived at work the first day after such a mess, I could already feel the different looks on me.
As Julian specified, all the photos and videos were taken down within an hour. However, agility didn't do much, since the damage was already done. And not only that, but the identity of the person who posted them hasn't been discovered yet. Apparently, the credentials of a former employee were used, a girl I really had no contact with and from another state.
Honestly, I really tried not to make a big deal of it, even though the guilt was hurting me intensely. Kissing a completely unknown guy is something out of my character, especially when my lips touched only Julian's and Eric's.
But all mistakes are lessons, right? And just like that, I learned something very important.
First, no wine and broken hearts together, really a bad combination.
And secondly, talking is the best way to deal with misunderstandings, even if I'm not the best person to say that, considering the scene I caused because of my conclusions. Yes, I'm trying to be better, but dealing with my impulsiveness has been the greatest challenge… with my impulsiveness and, now, with this shame I feel about myself.
I sink my face into my hands, propped up by my elbows on my old desk. Since the sample project is over, we've been reassigned back — which is a real relief, since being in the same room as those girls really gets on my nerves. I still haven't forgotten the words they said, and certainly will make them swallow one by one.
“Angel?” I hear a familiar voice that startles me and makes me lift my face slightly to find an apprehensive face and a cup of hot coffee… “I bought you a coffee.”
“Thanks, Ethan.” I take the coffee and take a sip, letting out an inevitable satisfying groan. It's exactly the way I like it…
“Are you free for a little break?” He asks fearfully, and I notice his hesitation. He seems to want to say something, but there are too many eyes around us.
“Yes… Actually, I'm in need of a breath.” I smile at him, getting up from the chair.
We walk in a slightly uncomfortable silence to the terrace, which is thankfully empty.
The breeze that sways my hair and envelops my body is really refreshing, everything I needed after feeling so suffocated….
“Do you mind if I smoke?” He asks, pulling the pack of cigarettes from his pocket.
I raise my eyebrows slightly, “I didn't know you smoke.”
“I try not to at work, but sometimes, my nerves are on the edge, and I need something to ease them.” He gives a discreet smile, then places that little deadly weapon between his lips. I keep my eyes locked on the way he lights it, and I'm very, very tempted to fall back into old habits.
And maybe because he notices the way I stare at him, Ethan holds out the pack of cigarettes to me and asks, “Want one?”
“No, thanks…” I return the smile, but bitterly. “Even though my nerves are really at the edge right now, I've learned to ease them with coffee and cool breezes.”
“It's a healthy way to deal with it.” Ethan takes a deep drag, then lets the smoke out through a discreet gap between his lips. “Actually, I wanted to apologize for my behavior at the get-together… I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable.”
“Uncomfortable?” I frown, taking a sip of my coffee. “Why would you think that?”
“You left.” He looks at me intensely, taking the cigarette between his lips again, “I overstepped my bounds, I'm sorry, really.”
I look at him surprised, pleasantly surprised.
“I don't want a bad vibe between us because of that.” He gives a discreet smile before taking another deep drag.
The way his eyes sparkle honestly leaves me speechless… Ethan really is a nice guy. He could just ignore me, treat me like a slut who flirted with him and left him waiting after such a ridiculous excuse. And after the pictures and videos he surely saw, I wouldn't be surprised, nor would I blame him if he did that.
However, Ethan apologized… even though it was clearly my fault.
Because I wanted to use him to get back at Deborah.
*Would he forgive me if I used this opportunity to finish what I started?*
“You didn't make me uncomfortable, Ethan… not at all…” I say fearfully, lowering my eyes, looking at the coffee in my hands. “It's my fault for… misunderstanding your intentions, especially when you're already committed with someone-”
Ethan coughs, choking on the smoke that escapes through his nose. And his eyes are probably burning because they're watering… “Wait, what?”
“You and Deborah.” I say with false innocence, batting my eyes slowly. “Really, I'm sorry about that… I caused you trouble, right? She was furious when she followed me into the bathroom and said that I should stop flirting with her boyfriend.”
“Deborah said we're together?” Ethan says after another cough, with a confused expression.
“Yeah, I didn't really know, and I ended up misinterpreting your actions… Well, she's constantly complaining about how the girls in this company are shamelessly flirting with you.” — *well, that part is actually true.*
“Angel, I don't know exactly what she said, but I can assure you that we're not together.” Ethan says with conviction, seemingly unwilling to continue smoking, as he throws the cigarette on the ground and steps on it.
“Really…?” I bat my eyelashes slowly, using my most innocent and sly tone, “That's a relief, I was feeling so bad… She said really hurtful things to me, you know? About how we're sluts who try to seduce her boyfriend. Actually, it's not the first time she's acted like that.”
“What do you mean?”
“Deborah has already had arguments with other girls who show interest in you. She has embarrassed girls who are nice and smile at you… I have been the target of her hurtful words as well, actually. I never wanted to cause misunderstandings, so I would feel really guilty if you two ended up fighting because of me.” — *that's true, too… except for the last part.*
“I didn't know that.” Ethan says, baffled, completely affected by my words.
“That's why people think you're a playboy who has little regard for the women you relate to.” I bring the cup to them to take a sip of the coffee, making sure his attention is on my simple act. My mouth is getting too dry from lying like this.
I'm really becoming a terrible person.
“Of course, I never thought that about you… I know you're a nice guy, Ethan, and it really bothers me that people say things like that.” I sigh with fake regret, “She's always implied that there's something going on between you, but when she confronted me in the bathroom and embarrassed me like that… Honestly, I didn't know how to face you, how to apologize for misunderstanding and bringing trouble.”
“Hey, you didn't bring me trouble.” He steps closer to me and says harshly, his voice shaking with anger, “Deborah and I have nothing with each other. She's completely delusional. There *never was* anything between the two of us… and *never will*.”
I bat my eyelashes slowly again, trying to look harmless, fragile….
Then Ethan adds in a lower tone, placing his hands on my arms gently, “And I really always wanted to kiss you. I didn't lie about it. I was definitely flirting with you.”
My body shudders slightly, and it causes a smile to come to his face.
The door opens abruptly, causing me to jolt and take a step back, away from Ethan. And when I notice who's standing in the doorway, I feel my heart skip a beat.
Julian has a serious expression, and his eyes are piercing, so piercing that I forget how to breathe too. Then he shifts his eyes to Ethan, to his hands that are still somehow on my arms. I'd try to pull away if I wasn't totally frozen.
“Ethan, what about the project report with Blossom Co.?” Julian asks, crossing his arms, still standing in front of the door.
“Blossom Co.?” Ethan says with confusion, “The report is only for the next three weeks…”
“I want it now.” He says firmly, and when Ethan gives a hearty laugh, Julian's expression closes in even more.
Ethan withers his laughter with genuine confusion, finally noticing how serious Julian is… then he looks at me and, raising his eyebrows slightly, retracts his hands, putting them in his pants pockets.
“Hand me this report by the end of the day, will you?” Julian gives a cynical smile and leans against the door frame, giving enough room to pass through.
And even though evidently indignant, Ethan just sighs and says, “Okay, Boss.”
Without another word, Ethan gives me a plain smile and walks through the door without looking at Julian, quickly disappearing down the stairs and leaving us alone….
Just me, Julian, and the silence that hangs between us.
“Do you have any spare time, Angelee?” He asks seriously, then half-close his eyes slightly, making it even sharper… “Why don't you come to my office, so I can give you something to work on?”
A shiver runs down my spine.
Because Julian doesn't seem very pleased right now.