07 — We can’t do this...

“Are you feeling better?” Julian's voice is soft and brings a cozy warmth to my chest, as does the mug between my hands.
I lift my eyes, staring at his worried expression. He's standing by the door, holding the doorknob with his big hands that make it practically disappear.
After he saw me crying, Julian brought me quickly into his office. The blinds were down, so no one could see how I was crying, even though the floor was really crowded.
Honestly, I feel so embarrassed for crying at work… But I simply couldn't help it. Knowing that Laura is pregnant… that she said things so mean… It really hit hard…
But I wipe my tears away and give him a comforting smile, clutching the cup in my hands… a delicious coffee that Julian picked up in an attempt to comfort me.
He closes the door and approaches me slowly, but his steps are wide, so it only takes a few secs before he's sitting down beside me. His body is so big that it seems to take up the whole couch…. And I feel his arm brush against mine, making me hold my breath.
It might have been a subconscious response to Julian's scent, which I've been noticing with increasing frequency… Still, it's a comforting smell, one that calms my nerves.
“What happened?” He asks, looking at me serious, “And don’t say that nothing happened because I know you.”
I crunch my lips, taking a deep breath.
“Laura… We had a conversation.”
“You confronted her?” Julian asks with a surprised expression.
“It was more… her confronting me, actually.” I face my hands, too embarrassed to raise my gaze, “She told me she's … pregnant.”
“Pregnant?” Julian frowns, and gives a dry laugh. “Really? Huh.”
I glare at him, a bit annoyed at the light-hearted way he took the information, “Yeah. She wanted me to clear the patch for them.”
“But aren't you done with that bastard already?” Julian crosses his arms, clenching his teeth tightly, making his jaw muscles bulge at the beard that's starting to grow.
“Yeah.” I sigh, taking a sip of the strong coffee, feeling the taste bring some sense to my foggy mind.
He opens his lips to search for the words, which seem to have been lost on his tongue. Then an unexpected question echoes through my ears, bringing a stabbing pain in my chest, “Do you still love him?”
Julian still looks at my face, I can feel it… And this makes me even more anxious.
“I did love him… At least, that's what I believe.”
I place the cup on the table, then turn my body toward him, though my eyes remain on my hands, on top of my lap.
“But I'm not crying because I ended my relationship, or because Laura is pregnant with his child. It's just that… for four years, I tried hard to fit his standards, to be good enough…”
“You don't have to change yourself to please other people, Angel…” Julian leans toward me and takes my face gently, stroking my cheek with his thumb. “You've always been wonderful; you don't need to belittle yourself to fit his low standards.”
“I couldn't see that… not until the truth was before my eyes, until I saw him screwing my best friend. Just… I think that more than being angry at Eric and Laura for stabbing me in the back like that, I’m angry at myself for allowing things to get to this point… to the point that I changed and deprived myself to please someone else.”
“It's not your fault.” He says softly, running his thumb across my ear.
“Even if you say so, I can't get rid of the feeling that I've lost myself for nothing. That's why I want to get back everything I've allowed to be taken from me.” The words come out hoarsely, and I snuggle into his touch, raising my eyes to his, which seem to glow particularly bright right now.
“But this isn't the way… Do you really want to lose your virginity because he cheated on you like that? He’s not worth it, Angel.”
“I already said I'm not doing this for him…” I interrupt him, feeling my stomach twist.
“Look, I just don't want you to regret it later-”
“Regret?” I frown, studying the conflicted expression on his face.
“Yes… I mean, you were angry, in a moment of fragility, and I shouldn't have…” He begins, pulling away suddenly, making me feel in the middle of a cold winter.
I stare deeply into Julian's green eyes, searching for the words that have completely disappeared from my mouth. My lips open and close, but no sound escapes through them. However, a shiver invades my body when I notice that he's looking at my lips…
“Do you regret kissing me?” My question seems to baffle him because he brings his hand to the back of his neck, shrinking his lips.
Of course, the possibility crossed my mind. I knew Julian might regret it, but still, hearing it makes me somewhat disappointed.
I say firmly, drawing his eyes to my lips again, “I don't regret it, Julian… I meant every word and enjoyed every touch.”
“Don't say things like that… You know it's complicated.”
“It doesn't have to be. You're used to having one-night stands, why couldn't you have one with me?”
Crossing my arms, I feel my face burn from the pride that has been wounded too many times in such a short period. “I know I'm not your type, but…”
“Who said that?” He raises an eyebrow.
“No one has to say, Julian. Just look at Cathy.” I try to control myself, but her name escapes with a certain resentment, like it's too bitter. And I hate how that makes me sound because the smile that rises on his lips shows that he's enjoying himself.
“I'm not sure where you got this, but how are you saying that you're not my type? I thought I was pretty clear yesterday that you weren't the problem.” He suppresses his smile, probably because I'm pouting. “Is this because of Cathy?”
“W- Why would it be?” My voice comes out thinner than I expected, and that surprises even myself. “I don't mind you seeing Cathy, or other women…”
“Oh, really?” He leans toward me, making me wriggle uncomfortably on the couch. I notice that one of his hands is resting exactly beside my thighs, “But I'm definitely not with Cathy, or any other woman.”
“Of course you're not, you've never committed to anyone…” My lips are faster than reason, and I immediately regret saying that.
My chest freezes at the possibility of having hurt him, and I spy his expression with the corner of my eyes. To my surprise, there's still a smug smile on his mouth.
“Exactly. I'm used to having flings, but you're different, Angel. You've committed yourself to Eric for years. And yes, he's an asshole, but do you really want to lose your virginity with someone like me?”
“What's wrong with you? You've never let me down, and didn’t get my ex best-friend pregnant… This simple fact makes you much better than that bastard.” I look away, sighing sharply.
Julian's eyes become tender and soft.
“But all right, I understand that I showed up at an inopportune moment and asked something like that when you already had plans. But I'm really not doing this rashly.”
“I didn't have plans.” He tilts his head slightly, looking at me, still amused.
“But Cathy…”
“Well, I didn't call her.” Julian interrupts me, bringing the hand that's not resting on the couch up to my wrist, running his fingertips lightly, like a feather rubbing against my skin.
I look away, nervous. But the words return, stubbornly, taking a life of their own as they burst from my lips, “Really? For someone who had no plans, I assume you enjoyed yourself quite a bit… While I had to relieve by myself, as usual.”
His low, husky laugh is like melody to my ears, and it makes me let my guard down slightly, as his fingers run up my arm, “I told you it’s not like that. Cathy left right after you did. She didn't even get into my apartment.”
I hold the air in my lungs and look up at him again, with clear surprise shining in my eyes, “Really?”
“What do you think of me?” Julian wrinkles his lips, fighting the smile that wishes to break out at the corner of them. “I've done by myself too, you know.”
My eyes drop and seek his lap, and I only realize that I'm staring at the bundle in his pants because Julian's hand is on my face, stroking my cheek softly, making me look at his eyes again.
“I didn't sleep with Cathy, or *any other woman*, yesterday…” Julian adds in a whisper, sliding his thumb down my jaw to my chin, “I also had to relieve on my own, thinking about you… And you have no idea how long it's been since I did that.”
I bite my lips, and that draws Julian's green eyes to my mouth.
“But it's better this way… You, me — *we*… can’t do this.”
He pulls away, and the warmth of his hand and body misses me again, to the point where my chest tightens.
“Well, unfortunately, we have a meeting in half an hour…” I watch him get up, but before completely turns away, I see that Julian still has a hard-on in his pants…
And my mouth goes suddenly dry.
Julian cleans his throat, probably feeling my gaze piercing his body, “Are you okay to attend it? You can leave if you're not feeling well.”
“No, it’s okay… I'll be there.”
“Okay, right… Good.” Julian walks away, pretending to pay attention to some papers on his desk.
A smile rises on my lips, seeing the way he's flushed and trying so hard to resist the desire.
All right, Julian… Let's see how long you're able to resist.