49 — How could it be cruel?
As Julian guides me through the pub crowd, my fingers entwined with his, I try to put my thoughts in place. We're leaving sneakily and quickly, before someone from the team sees and tries to stop us. But suddenly, Julian stops in place, keeping his hand in mine.
I bring my eyes up to him, and when I see what made him stop so abruptly, my heart skips a beat. There's a woman leaning towards Julian, spreading her hand over his chest, with a smile so radiant that it seems about to blind me. In a way, it would be better if it had taken my vision — because my stomach is twisting right now.
Long blond hair that falls over her shoulders, light eyes with makeup that highlights her beauty… and red lips that part when call his name, “Julian, what a coincidence!”
“Hey.” He says with a discreet smile, showing no intention of moving her hand that's sliding down his shirt to his abs. “How are you?”
“I'm great… Seriously, what a nice coincidence! I was thinking about you lately, it's been a while since we've hung out, hasn't it?” The girl moves her hand up his arm, to the muscle bulging in his shirt.
Seriously, why so touchy?
“Why don't we take advantage of this fateful meet and catch up?” The smile turns naughty, and the way she bats her eyelashes seductively, leaning slightly into him, shows exactly which way she wants to catch up.
“Sorry, we'll have to save it for the next time… I'm already calling it a night.”
*Save it for the next time?*
I sigh harshly and try to pull my hand away, but Julian squeezes it gently. And with that, the girl finally notices me, looking me up and down with disdain.
Well, it's clear she's judging every bit of me — compared to her, who's got her makeup on, a low-cut, tight outfit, I'm still in my work clothes and possibly messy hair.
“I could call it a night too, you know… if you like.” She runs her tongue over her lips, squeezing his arm that's holding my hand.
I breathe deeply, trying to control this rage that spreads through my body.
“I would never confess this, but I'm already a little tipsy, so it's okay to tell you I missed your touch, isn't it? I miss hanging out with you.”
Julian's hand falters for a moment, loosening his grip for a mere instant. But that quick second is enough for me to pull my hand away, disentangling my fingers from his.
He seems confused, a little lost… He just looks at the girl with a serious expression, then glances at me over his shoulder.
It's like he's choosing who he wants to spend the night with.
“For you, I'll actually call it a night and leave for your place, you know.” She moves closer to him, sliding her hand down his arm to his hand, “What do you think? I can give you whatever you want.”
It's enough.
I swallow the knot shaping in my throat and hasten my steps past them, making my way steadily to the exit. The crowd makes it difficult for me to reach it as quickly as I would like, but I dare not look back, and don't hesitate for a moment.
Making my way through the people clustered nearby, standing up, I quickly push open the door.
The breeze ruffles my hair and chills my skin, but it's the air my lungs have been missing. I breathe deeply, inflating them to their peak, and walk quickly to the sidewalk, oblivious to the movement of New York nights.
But suddenly, I feel a hand on my arm, turning my body quickly. My heel fits in a hole and causes me to lose my balance, and to avoid a pathetic fall, I try to hold on to anything in front of me…
Only then I notice that *I'm not falling* — there's a firm arm behind my lower back, and my hands are clutching his shirt.
The scare passes quickly and all that remains is anger, this jealousy that's eating me inside….
“Let go of me!” I untangle my fingers from the cloth and use my palms to push him by the chest, even though there's no balance in me. I'd rather fall than be in Julian's arms right now. “Let me go, Julian!”
“I'm not letting you go.” He says firmly, using his arm to press me further against his body, “You won't listen to me if I do that.”
“What's there to listen to?” I try to stabilize my feet, but my legs are shaky… damn.
“I know you're jumping to conclusions once again, and I'm not going to let you get this wrong, no matter how cute you get when you're angry.”
“What?” I let out an infuriating sound, loud and shrill, “What's to get wrong? She's throwing herself at you, Julian. She was so subtle, she practically said that spending the night with her would be better than spending it with me!” I say sarcastically, feeling the words bitter in my mouth.
“It doesn't matter what she says. I said we were going home.” Julian frowns, looking at me with an indecipherable expression.
“You can go back on your choice.” I finally manage to steady myself and push him away, meeting no more resistance. His body shifts slightly, allowing the breeze to cool my skin again. “You may choose the… I'm sorry, I don't know her name, I can't specify her from among your many flings.”
Julian inhales sharply, looking at me like I'm some kind of crazy person. Then he asks, crossing his arms, “Why are you doing this? I said I'd take you home, things were fine before.”
“Yeah, before I was some kind of option.” I retort, gritting my teeth hard.
“You're not some *kind of option*.” His expression closes in, making my heart races up its pace, resonating painfully against my chest. “I didn't even consider spending the night with someone else. All it takes to shake your faith in me is some girl I fucked throws herself at me?”
“Some girl you fucked?” I repeat the words in a mix of surprise, hurt, and bitterness. “Is that what she means to you?”
“She means nothing to me, Angelee.” Julian runs his hand through his hair, evidently impatient. “I don't even know her name.”
Hah, I really feel like I might throw up now. It's like I'm getting punched hard in the stomach, getting the air completely stolen from me… Because a selfish part of me is happy to know that she means nothing. But at the same time, I can't help but feel even sadder about how sex means nothing to him.
“Don't you think that's too cruel, Julian?” My voice is almost failing, and I'm sure my eyes glisten with tears.
“How could I be cruel?” He says firmly, looking me straight in the eye… his eyes are piercing, like a dagger. *They cut me. They hurt me.* “I have always made it clear, to all of them, what we mean.”
Yes, it’s true. He also made it clear that we're friends with benefits.
Nothing beyond that.
How could it be cruel?
I take a step back, staggering slightly. He stretches out his arms in instinct, probably trying to hold me up, but they stop midway, a few inches from my skin. I don't know if his hesitation was because I said he should let me go, or simply because we're building barriers between us again.
“It's not like that with you.” He says, letting his hands fall around his body. “It's different with you.”
“Different why? Because you know my name? Because I'm your neighbor, your employee? Or because I'm your best friend's daughter?”
He opens his lips to answer me, but no sound escapes between them.
Suddenly, I hear cars and remember that we're on the sidewalk, with people passing between us without caring about our dilemmas.
“You don't have to worry… I'm big enough to get a cab and walk home by myself.” I turn my back on him, stopping at the curb and stretching out my hand, praying to the heavens that some cab will stop fast enough….
And as if it heard my prayers, a car quickly pulls up.
I don't look back or care about leaving Julian there… I just get in the car with my face hidden by my hair and give the address of my apartment, unable to hold back the tears that are rolling down my face.
Because I'm an idiot…
And because this is really looking like an end.
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