68 — “Why with her?”

By the time I get back to the restaurant, it's almost empty, although there are a few tables occupied with people who aren't interested in my presence, or in my watery and puffy eyes. That’s certainly a relief because that's exactly what I want — to disappear.
But my sadness doesn't escape the attention of Tyler, who immediately withdraws from the counter and walks towards me. I sniffle, drying my eyelashes with my hands, entering with short, stumbling steps. And the next thing I know, he's already in front of me, holding my arms fondly, supporting my body that feels suddenly too heavy.
“What happened?” Tyler asks me a bit worried… Even his voice trembles slightly.
I open my mouth to answer him, but I'm at a loss for words… the only thing that comes out is a choked sob.
Tyler sighs, looking around, noticing that people are starting to lift their gazes to me.
“Do you want to go inside there?” I deny with my head, making his voice stop.
I don't want to be an annoyance, which is why I force myself to say, “Just one table farther away is enough.”
“Right, okay.” He says, looking around, and then starts guiding me, still holding my arms affectionately. “Over there, the table near the window is the quietest right now.”
I nod, allowing him to lead me over there and pull the chair for me to sit down. I'm secretly grateful because I don't think I have the strength to do it. So I just sink into the chair, resting my elbows on the table and hiding my face in my hands that remain trembling.
Even with my eyes closed, I still remember that scene.
And in the silence with my thoughts, all I can think of is Laura's voice saying those things… saying that something happened between them. When? How could I not see it? How could I have been so blind…?
Tyler puts a glass on the table and, when I look through a gap between my fingers, I see a cup of water with three floating ice cubes, but don't know at what point he picked it up. In fact, I didn't even see him walk away, but I feel grateful for it too.
My throat is so dry that it hurts.
I take a discreet sip and don't focus on the way Tyler pulls up a chair next to me, right next to my body that is shivering even though it's nice weather outside. But when the icy water runs down my throat, I feel immediate relief, even if a chill runs down my spine and spreads across my skin.
“Are you okay?” He asks fearfully, finally drawing my eyes. His expression is worried, there's concern in his brown eyes.
I nod again, sighing, trying to fill my lungs to the max, finally able to breathe properly. And thanks to the water, the words don't hurt when they come off my throat, “I am now.”
“Do you want to talk about what happened?” Tyler asks, leaning his elbow on the table too, supporting only his cheek on his fist. His eyes are on me, so thoughtful and understanding that I feel a strange sympathy….
But talking about what happened to him? It's not like we're really friends. However, do I really have any friends at this point? Is there anyone I can talk to about Julian? About this mess that we're in?
“I don't want to bother you with my affairs.” My shoulders wilt, like my voice, which comes out lower than I intended.
“It's no bother if I'm asking, right?” He gives me a subtle smile that somehow encourages me and makes me feel a little better….
I open my lips, but still, no words come out.
Taking another sip of the water that chills my mouth and goes down my throat, I search for the beginning of everything… But I don't even know where to start!
“I have a friend…” I begin slowly, swallowing hard, holding the glass with my trembling palms. “Things got complicated between us.”
I glance at him and find only silence and total focus on what I'm saying… on my *uncertainty* of what to say.
“You know when you meet someone and your heart pounds harder, and you think, *wow, this person is going to completely mess up my head?”* I blink slowly, feeling the glass get wet in my palms from the sweaty ice.
And again, silence — not that it really bothers me because, honestly, it doesn't matter. I'm not telling this directly to him… It's more like I'm venting to myself.
“That's how I felt when I saw him the first time.” I sigh and give a sad smile, looking at Tyler, “And it really messed up. For three years, my feelings had grown and become suffocating. But being away from him was more difficult than dealing with the feelings of a brat finding love.”
“So he was your first love?” Tyler finally says something, and I nod slightly.
“But *something happened,* and I gave up on that… I got into a relationship with someone I didn't love to run away from my feelings. You could say I'm a terrible person for that, I can see it by myself now.”
“Is that why you were reluctant to give me your number?” He asks softly, drawing my eyes for a moment.
“Yeah…” The confirmation comes out like a whisper, and I turn my eyes back to the glass, to the ices that crashes and tinkles. “Four years… I thought it was long enough to forget my feelings for this friend, but… Again, something happened — and I found myself alone, without a boyfriend, without a best friend, with a million new insecurities, fears, dreads, and open wounds.”
He stays in silence, his cheek still resting on his fist.
Another loud sigh escapes my lips, and I find myself having to moisten my mouth with water again.
“Suddenly, the friendship we had become something more… but it didn't progress enough for us to really move forward. We became friends with benefits and okay, I knew that would break my heart because, of course, it wouldn't be enough. I knew it wouldn't be, and I accepted to fit myself into such a shallow definition. I'm the one to blame.”
“So you want something more with him, right?” Tyler says thoughtfully, tapping his thumb against his temple.
“Actually, he chose to go back behind the line we crossed… Now we're back to being *just friends.”* I remove my hand from the glass and run it across my face, feeling the cold, wet palm bringing a certain relief. “Maybe you think I'm pathetic, but right now, just being friends is a lot more painful.”
“Why would he do that?” Tyler frowns, wrinkling his brow. His reaction takes me by surprise, and I open my lips slightly… but only a new sigh escape through them.
“Well… He's actually very good friends with my dad.” I give a shy smile, and the *Ohhh* he lets out makes me even more embarrassed.
“I see.” Tyler wrinkles his lips. “Complicated indeed.”
“Yeah, too much.” I prop my elbows on the table again and hide my face in the palms of my hands, leaving a space for my words to come out without being muffled. “I thought it was okay, I could handle it… I could handle just being his friend, but… I saw him with someone else.”
Damn… I feel the tears welling up just remembering it.
“He was with *Laura!”* I say out loud, in a high-pitched tone, and purse my lips. “Why her?”
“Laura?” He looks surprised — I can tell by the tone of his voice. But I don't dare bring my eyes to him because, I know, they're wet again from the tears gathering there.
“Why with her, of all people?” I mutter, digging my fingers into the roots of my messy bangs. “If sleeping with my boyfriend isn't enough, Laura also tries to take from me one of the people I couldn't afford to let go.”
I feel Tyler's fearful hands on my back… soft, firm hands that comfort me. And allow his hand to move down my back in a tender, comforting caress. There's no lust or evil meaning in his gesture or in the way his palm slides across the fabric of my shirt.
Searching for comfort, I snuggle closer to him, leaving the tears to flow in peace and quiet.
For a moment, I allow myself to be silent too, being comforted by someone I never imagined I would be.
“You know… I can get an idea of what you're feeling.” Tyler says in a soft voice. “Laura screwed me over pretty bad too. You say she slept with your boyfriend, right?”
I nod, still not brave enough to look at him directly.
“I'll tell you something.”
Pulling my hands away from my face, I allow him to catch a glimpse of my wet, slightly swollen face from crying again… And he can see my fragility, the pain all over it… the deep sadness in my eyes.
“I'm going to tell you about what happened between Laura and me… And how I caught her in my own bed with someone else.”