70 — “Say it, Julian!”

Julian is opening the door, a space big enough for me to enter his room. I lock the air into my lungs and step inside, immediately surprised that his desk is so messy, especially when it comes to Julian, who doesn't leave a single strand of hair out of place… In fact, his appearance is completely out of place too…
*Click* — he locks the door, making me flinch slightly.
I glance at the way he approaches the curtains to close it.
*He is closing the curtains.*
Realizing it makes the air go out through my nose slowly, and I'm feeling my heart pounding heavily against my chest, wanting to definitely leave my body. Maybe it's tired of being part of me too.
I'm standing in the same spot, watching Julian walk across the office with his hand in his hair, stopping next to the desk with his back to me. It makes me slightly anxious because I can tell how nervous he is.
“Come here, Angelee.” His voice comes out loud, deep, sending goosebumps all over my skin.
And I simply comply — in fact, it's like my legs are incapable of denying such a steady order.
I stop behind him and grip the edges of my blouse tightly, looking down at my feet. And Julian turns to me slowly, leaning against the table, but I don't dare raise my eyes… I'm scared.
My heart is pounding so hard it hurts.
“Look at me.” He commands again, making me finally look at him, but fearfully, with my lip caught between my teeth…. And my legs immediately go weak because Julian reaches up to my face and runs his thumb over my mouth, making me to stop biting it.
I breathe deeply, feeling that, now, his palm is sliding down my face, down my neck, fitting his fingertips into my nape, making my body shudder.
“What are you doing, Julian?” I'm asking so softly that I almost doubt Julian can hear me… But the way he looks at me makes me think that it doesn't matter; if he did, doesn't care one bit.
Julian places his hand on the back of my neck, tangling his fingers in the strands of my hair, pulling me close, making me smell his cologne… the cologne that always makes me lose my mind.
I slowly close my eyes, allowing myself to surrender to the way his other hand goes to my back in a slow caress. Even over my blouse, I can feel the firmness and roughness of his palm trailing down to my lower back.
Honestly, I love and hate the way my body reacts to his touch.
“Julian…” His name escapes in such a soft whisper that draws his eyes to mine again.
“Uhn?” He mumbles interrogatively, pulling my body against his while his fingers travel to my hip.
We're so close now that my breath is mingling with his… our lips are only a few inches apart. And I open them to say something, but all the words disappear because he's finally sealing the small gap with his own tongue.
Closing my eyes, I tilt my head slightly so that our mouths can fit together perfectly, like they should be… sliding his tongue further into my mouth, fearfully, so slowly that it makes me hold my breath.
When Julian's tongue finally reaches mine and feels its softness, a husky moan escapes from deep in his throat and reverberates through our sealed mouths. I can even feel his body shudder and seek the warmth of mine.
As if looking to relieve a craving, Julian intensifies the kiss, deepening it, holding the back of my neck tightly, in the way he usually kisses me, guiding my head, making me surrender to his rhythm. Of course, I'm complying, digging my fingers into his shirt, and using his firm chest to support my wobbly legs that threaten to falter.
And, oh, the way he's kissing me, so rough, so hungry… It brings an intense heat to my body, a warmth in my chest that goes down to my lower belly and spreads to my entrance. I didn't want to react this way to Julian, especially not right now, but…
“Uh.” I let out a moan that parts our lips. Julian is running his hand up the inside of my skirt, stroking my now hyper-sensitive skin with his rough palm. And when I open my eyes, I see the glimmer of a smile.
Julian suddenly spins me around, making me lean against the table, no… he's lifting me by the waist, sitting me down on it, and fitting himself between my legs. And again, he reaches for my hair, intertwining two, three turns of it in his fist just to kiss me once more.
This time, it's so intense, so fervent that it makes me forget to breathe. He's entwining our tongues with desire… I can feel it in every swirling movement, whenever he makes me feel the softness of his tongue, and even when he pulls my bottom lip with his teeth….
“Julian…” I whisper, feeling his mouth trail down my jaw, leaving a wet path to my neck.
I dig my fingers into his hair, feeling the softness of the blond strands, so dishevelled and yet so beautiful-
This suddenly brings a twinge to my chest… an unpleasant memory returns to my mind.
“Wait, Julian…” I say, trying to resist the shiver caused by his tongue sliding over my sensitive skin… And even though my voice comes out shaky and unconvincing, I wait for him to move away from my neck, but that doesn't happen. In fact, the palm of his hand goes to my leg and starts to run up my thigh.
I swallow a groan, trying to pull him back by the hair, *“Julian, wait…”*
But that just makes him grip my thigh even tighter…
And that's enough to snap something inside me, making me push him hard by the chest.
Julian finally pulls away with surprise all over his face. Surprise and… hurt? There's something I don't know shining in his green eyes.
Slowly, realization seems to fall over him because he walks backwards, bringing his hand up to his face, hiding the expression that was about to give away how he's feeling inside.
“What are you doing?” My voice comes out shaky, and when he moves his head to the side, taking another step, I force myself to say loudly and firmly, “Why are you doing this so suddenly?”
“I'm sorry,” Julian says, withdrawing his hand and allowing me to see his sad face. “I didn't mean to push you.”
*No, that’s not it!*
“Why did you *kiss me,* Julian?” I specify the question, seeing in his movements that the tension is building up.
“I missed you.” He says, making my heart flutter. “You're all I can think about, Angelee… All fucking day.”
“What does that mean…?” My voice comes out low, resentful.
Julian moves closer to me again, resting his hands on the table, around me, and leans his body slightly so that our faces become close once more.
“I wanted to kiss you, touch you… feel your skin…” His hand returns to my body — to my arm, moving up so slowly and subtly that I shiver again. “I kissed you because all I could think about was kissing you. And I have no idea about how I'll avoid doing it from now on.”
His fingers reach my shoulder, and he gently tosses back the strands of my hair, with his hand moving to the straps of my blouse, almost casually. “I need to feel you, babe… I'm dying to hear you moan right now.”
The way Julian looks at me, so desperate, so needy, it makes me hold my breath… But when he thrusts his hips forward and rubs his hard-on against my thighs, making me feel how stiff it is… I suddenly felt my stomach twist.
“You want *my body.”* My voice sounds slurred, like someone punched me in the stomach and took away my breath. “You're thinking about kissing me, touching me, and feeling my skin… Not really about me.”
Julian blinks a few times, looking at me with confusion.
“Tell me I'm wrong.” I say firmly this time, looking directly into the green eyes that have always mesmerized me because they look like jewels, they look like emeralds, and I used to think that *I would give anything in the world to have them looking just at me.*
“Angel-”
“Tell me, Julian… Tell me I'm not just one of your flings.”
“Of course you're not just a fling.” He says a little louder, like he's hearing some kind of nonsense. “I told you, you're important to me.”
“Important why?” I dig my hands into his shirt again, feeling my eyes sting, “You told me that you wanted to go back behind the line we crossed, but you're kissing me and touching me again! I want to understand what's going on in your head because I can't stand this weirdness between us.”
Julian is silent for a few moments, looking at my trembling hands that grip his shirt and wrinkle the cloth even more. Probably a long minute had passed, but it felt like a small eternity.
“Say it, Julian!” My voice comes out loud, much louder than I expected… so shaky, so desperate. “You want my body, don't you?”
He opens his lips, but no words escape….
But are any words really necessary?
I push him gently by the chest and find no resistance. This saddens me so much that I wouldn't be surprised if my expression was giving me away. My eyes are burning, probably watery, with hurt and pain flickering in them.
“Angel…” His voice is soft, and I stay still, waiting for him to say something, anything to make me feel that I'm wrong… that I'm not just a body he uses to relieve himself…
But no words slip through the gap between Julian's lips. None.
He tries… really tries… I give him the credit for it.
But in the end, he just sighs and pulls away, giving me space.
I lower my eyes, swallowing dry, trying hard not to cry… But there's something else in my chest right now… it's not the sadness I was feeling when saw him with Laura, or when he told me that we should be just friends…
It's an anger that spreads through my chest like a damn fire.
“You know what, Julian?” My voice comes out resentful, “I think I should get back to work.”
Julian runs a hand over his face, keeping silent… Then he just nods, hiding his expression behind his big palm.
I turn away from the table and quickly straighten my skirt, leaving his office so fast that I almost trip over my heels.
Argh, I'm so sad and angry… There's a windstorm of different sensations in me, and I feel like a walking catastrophe.
I don't look back when open the door or when walk out of it. Nor do I mind slamming his door with a loud thud, that also draws the eyes of the other employees, who are already seated at their desks… Once again, they're looking at me with judgment, whispering something I can't hear…
“WHAT?” I say out loud, raising my hands, with my eyes scanning all the room… And this seems to surprise them because they're lowering their heads and turning their eyes back to their computers.
I take a deep breath, running a hand through my hair impatiently, and start to walk towards my desk-
“Angelee.”
I turn around, seeing the same red hair that was in Julian's room… the same shirt that was coming down past her shoulders….
“Can you come with me?” Laura says, raising her voice, with lips downwards, in an evidently furious expression. “We have some things to sort out.”