156 — I’m finally healing
*Be my wife*, those were the words that escaped Julian’s lips... words I never thought I would hear.
He used to be a playboy who won many hearts but never gave his heart away. Like my Dad used to say, a *manwhore,* with a lot of flings, one-night-stands... But that man asked me to marry him.
I never thought we’d get this far. Lying next to Julian in this bed and looking at his sleeping, serene face after a rollercoaster of emotions seems like a dream to me… one of those that’s so good you don’t want to wake up.
It seems so real that I can reach out to touch his face, the same hand that now holds a diamond ring. The most beautiful one I’ve ever seen in my life... the one Julian chose for me.
*I love you, future wife* — these words bring tears to my eyes again, and I pull my lips back. I touch his face slowly, stroking his blond beard, darker than the hair that looks like strands of gold, and I move my touch up his cheek to his temple, close to his big eyelashes.
I’m drawing a path with my delicate fingers up to his thick eyebrows, the same color as his beard, running my thumb along them and combing the soft strands that give seriousness to his gaze.
I really couldn’t imagine. The sixteen-year-old girl who found her first love in the darkest period of her life had no hope of being loved back. This simple possibility was absurd. And even nineteen-year-old Angelee, who had her first kiss with Julian Adams, wouldn’t have hoped that she would someday bear his child and hold his ring on her finger.
Today, this future, this moment… everything is better than I could ever wish for. And that also scares me…
Julian’s heavy-lidded eyelids open at my gentle touch, showing me intense green eyes that look like emeralds. His sleepy gaze makes me hold my breath, especially when he takes my hand and brings it to his lips to kiss my fingers.
His gaze stays on mine as his mouth touches the ring that shows the world I’m taken.
“What are you thinking so much?” He asks in a husky voice, and I remember to breathe. “I hope it’s about me.”
“It’s always about you.” I give a silly smile, stretching my fingertips over his lips, and add, whispering, “I’m just scared it’s a dream.”
“It’s not.” Julian releases me and pulls me by the waist, bringing our bodies even closer together. Feeling the heat coming off his body calms my nerves immediately. “I’m not going anywhere.”
I close my eyes and sigh, butterflies dancing in my chest.
Actually, I think that more than being afraid that it’s a dream, I’m scared that reality will be as short-lived as a night’s dream. I’m afraid of losing him... as I almost just did.
I was a fool. This day was so important to me, to both of us... And I thought I could have it all. Deep down, I wanted a clear conscience. I didn’t want to turn my back on someone who used to be precious and had the same illness as my mother. But in the end, it was all a big lie. She’s not sick or dying, and I should be relieved about that. Yet, I just feel bitter.
“I hope you’re not thinking about me now,” Julian touches the middle of my forehead, and I relax into his touch. “You’re frowning.”
“I just...” I stop, searching for the right words. “Thinking about everything. I feel guilty and stupid even though everything turned out fine.”
“You’re not stupid,” Julian says, and, in front of his confused eyes, I feel a sudden urge to get up.
I sit down on the bed, and he does the same.
“Hey.”
“If I wasn’t so easy to manipulate, then-”
“Babe.” His soft voice catches my watery eyes. “What’s going through this little head of yours?”
I crisp my lips.
“Talk to me.” He asks, almost in a hoarse whisper, and places a kiss on my shoulder. His puppy gaze softens me, and I find myself wondering how I’ll take it if our child is born with such captivating eyes.
“All this time, I thought Mrs. Smith wanted her son’s fiancée to marry a virgin. And I thought that because she always spoke ill of other relatives who led *promiscuous lives.* And I didn’t want to disappoint her, you know? I wanted her to... love me.”
My throat knots, and my eyes sting. But Julian remains silent, waiting for me to continue saying what’s on my mind.
And it’s okay, right? I can be myself with Julian. I don’t have to put on masks and change my ways, mask my personality, change my clothes, and annul myself anymore. I can be who I really am and be loved and accepted by him.
“But it was all a lie. Mrs. Smith is a liar, a hypocrite. She set it all up because she wanted my father’s money. She wanted me to get back with her trashy son, but not because she loves and cares about me — the only truth in all these years is that they saw me like a dollar sign.”
I notice that Julian looks confused and surprised at the same time. But these emotions soon merge with the flames of anger that now shine in his eyes.
“Mrs. Smith wanted Eric to get me pregnant. I don’t know why he never touched me if that was his family’s goal, as he really was determined to avoid me. Not only did he avoid me like that, but he cheated on me.” I give a sad smile. “Countless times over those four years, right? I know it.”
“Damn it, Cathy.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I touch his beard again, making him meet my gaze.
“I thought it was odd that he went into the club after you. It’s a considerably expensive place, and he never seems like a guy that’s into BDSM. *Normal people* usually get away from that naturally, so I wondered… was Eric there a coincidence? I didn’t believe it and asked Cathy to look into his life. He did go to a few other clubs over the years, including the time you were together, but I didn’t tell you because it would do any good.” Julian moves closer, decreasing the distance between our faces until our breaths merge. “Besides, I’d be jealous if I saw you sad about your ex.”
I give him a silly smile and close my eyes to kiss him lightly and rest our foreheads against each other.
“Eric means nothing to me. Not anymore. I think he hasn’t meant anything to me for a long time.”
“But his mother does.”
I pause for a moment, feeling my mouth turn bitter.
“It was a lie.” My eyes sting, so I don’t mind keeping them closed a moment longer. “Everything that’s built on a lie is a lie. Everything born out of an illusion is a fantasy.”
“Your feelings weren’t a lie. Don’t compare yourself to them-”
“I don’t know anymore.” I interrupted him, my heart pounding in my throat.
I’m not sure if I should say these things or if I should let these words roll off my tongue, but I can’t hold them in my mouth. This truth that I have hidden inside for so long wants to be said out loud.
“I loved you, Julian, and I ran away from it. I accepted Eric’s feelings even when my whole heart belonged to you. I thought I had learned to love him, but... How can I be sure now? I feel nothing but disgust. When he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him today, I wanted to throw up. And when he pulled me away and stopped me from leaving, all I could think was that I wanted to be by *your* side.”
I open my eyes slowly, meeting his eyes that are shining brightly.
“The same thing I ask myself, did I really care for Mrs. Smith... or do I just want to be loved?” I fight back tears, and my eyes sting. “I know the truth, Julian. It wasn’t because of them… I wanted to be part of a family.”
I should shut up, cluck my tongue, and stop those words, but I can’t. In fact, I’m losing control of my whole body. Even my hands are digging into Julian’s chest, my nails scratching his chest.
*“I wanted a family,”* I say, with my voice strangled and tears rolling down my face, so much so that Julian’s face is blurring beside me... “All this time, all I’ve wanted is a family!”
Julian wraps his arms around me, burying my head in his chest, and I give in completely, letting my tears flow out with all this hurt, all this anguish, to empty my chest.
Each tear that wets my face and gets lost in the skin of Julian’s chest is a possibility of what could have been of my life. Images that seem like memories but are only the imagination of a lonely little girl who envied a big, complete family.
Mom and Dad, if you were together, what would it be like? It was sweet to create scenarios in my mind and imagine what it would be like if Mom and Dad were together. Sleepily, I imagined my father watching me in the dark corner of the room while my mother told me stories. Asleep, in my dreams, we could always play together.
But the next morning, reality hurt. And again, I took a dose of this poison. Because just as sweet and happy… these hypothetical scenarios were poisonous... The poison that I’ve been taking for years.
One by one, all those hypotheses are fading away.
Now, I’m saying goodbye to them.
I don’t need it anymore.
I understand that I was trying to fill the hole inside my chest with something rotten, but that only hurt. Eric’s family proved this to me. Knowing the truth now has opened my eyes, and I understand why I acted the way I did and why I deprived myself of so much. I wanted to be loved, I wanted a big family, and I thought Eric could give me that. But he couldn’t.
Now, I understand that… And I feel like I’m finally healing.
In the arms of the man I really love, who comforts me and tells me it’s all right, I’m healing.
And the family that I have dreamed of and longed for so much... I will give it to my child...
I will love and give so much happiness to our baby that it won’t have to make these assumptions. And even if it does... all those dreams will be within the reach of its little hands. I promise.
ㅤ
ㅤ
[...] *“Do you still have the proofs?”* Julian’s voice sounds distant, low, and confused.
My eyelids are heavy. I can’t open them.
*“I was being considerate because I didn’t want Angelee to feel guilty or sorry for them, but even my patience has its limits.”*
Who is he talking to? I don’t quite understand.
My body is heavy and exhausted. I can’t move a muscle.
*“You can hand over the evidence, Mike… I won’t keep stopping you.”*
Is Julian talking to Dad?
*“I want them to pay for everything they did to Angelee... Eric, Laura, and their kind — they don’t deserve our mercy anymore.”*