122 — Twinkle, twinkle, little star.

I quickly push the bathroom door open and lean over the toilet, throwing up everything in my stomach, which isn’t much since nothing has attracted my appetite. A tear runs down my cheek, and I realize that I’ve restricted my crying for too long.
One by one, the tears fall from my eyes, which are aching from the emotions I’ve tried so hard to contain. It’s finally over, but I still feel a terrible unease, a sense of bad omen that spreads through my body and makes my chest tighten. Something just doesn’t feel right, and I don’t know what it is.
I flush the toilet and sit down on the floor, leaning against the wall of this small cubicle, with sobs coming out of my lips as I try to wipe them.
All I can think about is how Laura had taken a lot of my strength, and it makes me feel worse to realize that even when she lost everything, she still managed to win something — she affected me. Even though I’ve tried hard to pretend that I’m fine... it’s still obvious how much this whole thing shakes me...
But the bathroom door suddenly opens, cutting my thoughts and making me hold back the sobs in my throat. I hear footsteps and unfamiliar voices that sound soft and muffed... *“I’m really shocked to see that... Do you think she posted it by herself?”*
*“Of course not,”* I hear another woman’s voice, a little higher-pitched and with a slurred accent. *“Who in their right mind would share something that would clearly harm them?”*
*“That’s true... But geez, who would know? Everyone was blaming the boss’ daughter, saying terrible things about her, that she stole Laura’s boyfriend... But when the truth was the other way around!”*
*“Really noble of Angelee O’Neil not to say a single word this whole time, even if everyone was wronging her.”*
*“In fact, people are questioning now whether the rumors about her are true. If some have been proven to be false, who’s to say the others aren’t as well?”*
I let out a slow breath, the tears falling a little heavier, but for a different reason. Somehow, I feel my shoulders easing at the words I hear.
*“To be honest, I also thought it was strange what they were saying about the boss’ daughter. She seemed like a nice girl and very professional. She never mistreated me, even though I made some silly mistakes. She was very understanding all the time.”*
*“And she always greets me when we meet by chance... every time. Actually, I’ve never seen her be arrogant with anyone.”*
They’re silent for a moment, and I dry my tears slowly, my chest a little more at peace.
*“So it was Laura’s lies, huh?”* One of the women snorts, and I can hear the sound of the water, which muffles her next words a bit. *“I should have known that we can’t trust that woman. I thought it was strange, didn’t I tell you? Everyone was talking about her pregnancy, that Angelee O’Neil destroyed a family and left a baby without a father, but you know, I saw that Laura woman picking up a tampon!”*
My eyes widen slightly...
*“What pregnant woman keeps having periods? Of course, it’s possible, but if she’s bleeding, she shouldn’t have been working!”* The water turns off, and I keep my eyes widened and fixed on the toilet in front of me, with the damn realization falling over me little by little.
*“You’ve got a point.”* The other woman says, footsteps making her voice distant, *“I heard she lied about her pregnancy too. It’s all the buzz in the company; everyone’s talking about it.”*
The bathroom door opens once more, *“Well... Serves her right.”*
Suddenly, the low thud of the door closing startles me, making me finally blink and breathe in the bathroom’s silence.
My trembling hands reach for my hair, and I tangle the brown strands in my anxious fingers. I close my eyes tightly, trying to calm my heart that’s beating so hard and fast, almost tearing my chest apart.
Now, there are no tears in my eyes... No sadness or guilt, just the realization that weighed down my shoulders and made me take that woman’s words like a punch straight to the stomach. And no, I’m not shaking like this because Laura had her period — *but because I haven’t had mine yet.*
I gasp, starting to hyperventilate. My stomach twists once more, and I feel sickness settle in my throat, tightening it so much that not even air seems to pass through. I approach the toilet again, my heart crashing hard against my chest.
How... How could I just forget about it?
All right, that doesn’t mean anything... My period usually arrives very late.
Yes, it’s normal. It’s never been a problem before.
*Of course, it wasn’t a problem before because I was a virgin.*
“Argh...” I let out a loud cry, a grunt that merges with a sob, and I feel like crying again. Not because I feel sad, but because I’m desperate!
My period hasn’t come. Oh dear... it should have arrived by now...
“Angel?” I hear Julian’s muffled voice, probably from outside the bathroom, and I swallow hard at the lump forming in my throat, my heart beating even faster... “Are you all right?”
“Yes!” I say loudly and too quickly, sounding more suspicious than I’d like. “I’m fine, just... Wait a minute, I’ll be right out.”
I take another deep breath and flush, trying to come up with an excuse for my delay... and trying even harder to keep the words *period* and *pregnancy* out of my head, even though they keep coming back over and over.
***
The rest of the day feels dragged... like it didn’t want to pass and bring some relief to my chest. But when the end of the working day finally arrived, I didn’t want to wait for Julian, who had a big meeting at the last minute, almost at 5 p.m. I simply took a cab and ran home, looking in the diary for the last day I’d marked my period because, now that I’ve realized it hasn’t arrived, that’s all I can think about, as well as a doubt that stuck in my head...
*What if I’m pregnant?*
Of course, that’s possible since we’re not really worried about it. It may have been my request that we not use condoms, but Julian hasn’t worried about the consequences of cumming inside me.
But curiously, this is something we’ve never really talked about. And now, I feel uneasy and afraid to face the truth.
I put my hand on my belly and stroke it, a very strange gesture that I catch myself doing without even noticing. I lower my eyes and look at the way I simply seem to accept this fact without even having proven it.
My heart pounds against my chest, and I feel scared, but if I really am expecting Julian’s child, what will we do?... I mean, we’ve just established a relationship and found a new label for what happens between us.
But a child? Does he even *want* a child?
Julian used to be a convicted bachelor... a man who never committed to anyone, and I know he was pretty careful, given the countless condoms I saw him throw away a while back. Now, he’s committed and is doing his best for us... to make it work.
However... A child is a big thing, something that changes the lives of everyone around them, and I know that better than anyone.
I walk slowly over to my bag on the bed and pick up the key to Julian’s apartment — and that is also a big step for us... but is it enough to give peace to my heart? I don’t know. Honestly, I don’t know.
However, it seems a bit late to have doubts now. The answer is only a test away, but I don’t think I’m ready to seal it with the truth.
Well, maybe I’m just afraid of the answer, whatever it is...
I go to my bathroom and slowly take off my clothes, avoiding looking in the mirror, even though it will be too early to see any really significant changes in my body. And as I fill the bathtub, I remember when Julian broke into my apartment and completely changed the course of our lives. It was also the first time he really surrendered his body, heart, and soul and also came inside me.
Slowly, my body sinks into the bathtub, the hot water enveloping my body, instantly relieving my nerves, which seemed to be overstressed. I even let out a pleasurable moan, closing my eyes in this well-deserved peace.
Inevitably, my mind is taken over by old memories, finally giving me a break from the cruel doubt that has dominated my mind. My mother’s face returns in a blur because, somehow, I can’t specify her features. I have so many photos and so many memories, yet I can’t imagine her by my side with her sweet smile and beautiful eyes.
But I can remember when she used to tuck me into bed, tell me stories, and sing me a lullaby that no longer brings tears to my eyes.
*“Twinkle, twinkle, little star, how I wonder what you are... Up above the world so high, like a diamond in the sky...”* I sing, still with my eyes closed, remembering how much I loved being in her arms.
And just like that, a weird hope, a soft warmth spreads through my chest and makes me wonder if I also could have a hug as warm as my mother’s.