153 — The same for me.

I can hear my own heart beating in the middle of this silence. The words slip through my lips calmly and softly but are lost in this room, even though I can almost feel them hovering around us.
Tears wet my lashes, and I close my eyes, surrendering to the anticipation that burns in my chest, ache, tearing it apart.
Honestly, time seems to stretch out; the minutes seem to drag by. I don’t even know how long I’ve been waiting for an answer. In fact, I doubt it’s been that long, but it feels like this silence has been upon us for decades.
But of course, Julian’s arm is still on my body. He still holds me possessively, tightly. His breath is still on the back of my neck, chilling my overly sensitive skin. And his heart is pounding hard, too, as I can feel it against my back.
I open my lips, but is there anything else to say?
*I’m pregnant.*
*I’m expecting your child.*
*And your silence is more of an answer than you realize, Julian... Because through it, I can feel you, understand your signals... You didn’t even flinch.*
*You were waiting for these words, weren’t you?*
*You know.*
*You know, Julian.*
*You already know.*
A tear trickles from the corner of my eye and gets lost in the sheet. My body shudders slightly, but he senses it and hugs me tighter, snuggling closer to my warmth. His forehead rests on the back of my shoulder, and the silence is now cut short by his sigh as if he had held his breath for too long.
“Are you scared?” He finally asks, his voice coming out hoarse, low... but it reverberates through my chest with strength enough to speed up my heart.
“Are you?” I find myself also holding my breath, and Julian seems to notice because he places his open hand on my chest; this simple act makes me let out all the air through a gap between my parted lips.
“Yes, I am.” He says, and the silence continues for another long moment until he runs his palm down my abdomen, finally stopping at my belly... “It’s a strange feeling. I feel scared and uncertain, but still... I’m happy.”
I open my eyes slowly, finding nothing but the hotel room hidden behind tears that blur my vision. And again, I don’t need to *see* Julian’s face to know how he feels — his slightly choked, hoarse voice... his warm hand touching my belly, our child. I don’t need to see Julian to know that he’s being honest.
“I never expected to fall in love, build a family, have a child... It didn’t seem like something I deserved. But I’m always surrounded by things I don’t deserve. Mike, you, this, us, a child… I’ve already told you this: I may not be worthy of you, but I’m going to keep trying my best to be.”
I put my hand over his hand, entwining our fingers, but he doesn’t take it back... he keeps touching my belly.
“I swear to God, I’ll do anything for your happiness, Angelee... I’ll do anything for our baby.”
I gasp, inflating my lungs to the max, tears falling onto the mattress...
“I don’t know if I can be perfect, but I’ll do everything I can to try to be.” Julian gives me a light kiss on the shoulder, bringing butterflies to my stomach. “I’ll be by your side when your belly gets too big, and you can’t reach your feet to put your shoes on...”
I laugh quietly, trying to control the sobs that threaten to escape.
“And I’ll wake up every night with you, even if I’m useless and just watch... I’ll be by your side forever, even when we’re tired or when things become difficult... I’ll keep loving you and wanting you, and knowing that I made the best decision of my life when I asked you to be my wife.”
I close my eyes again because they’re aching so badly...
“I will love you until the end of my life. And if there are others after that, I’ll probably love you in those, too.”
I give a silly smile... “And if there aren’t?”
“It doesn’t matter... You’re the love of my life; you always have been. Before, now, or after, I’ll keep loving you more every day — and our child too.”
His words... they hit so deep in my chest, they can reach my soul. And what is this feeling, anyway? This happiness that overwhelms me is something I’ve never felt before. Being in his arms, knowing that Julian loves me with all his heart, that he loves us... It’s so intense, beautiful, warm... I never imagined that such a deep feeling could exist.
“I love you.” Julian hugs me a little tighter, resting his forehead on my shoulder. “Thank you, my Angel.”
My eyes open in shock, and I try to turn to look him straight in the face, but his arms hold me tight. He rubs his cheek against my back, and I can feel his wet face against my sweaty skin.
“Julian...”
“Thank you for showing me love, for making me the happiest man in this world, the luckiest-”
I turn around quickly and immediately grab his face with my hands, making him look at me... The sight of his bloodshot green eyes, shining with such intense emotions, makes my own tears start to roll.
Julian is crying, and even though his eyebrows are so furrowed and his lips are pulled back, I know that the feelings overflowing are good ones... And this fragility that he’s showing me now makes me so, so happy... To see him trust me enough to reveal another of his unknown sides, one that was hard even to imagine.
Julian’s tears... he’s showing them to me.
I don’t try to dry any of them; I just bring our faces closer and lean our foreheads together, merging our breaths...
“I’m the lucky one,” I say slowly, stroking his cheek with my thumb. “I fell in love with you from the moment I laid eyes on you. You looked like a radiant sun on that freezing day, and you warmed me up. I bet you have no idea how you saved me at that moment... I loved you before I even knew what love was, and I learned so much from you. I learned that the storm goes away eventually and that no sadness is endless... That even between hardships, I could still smile — smiles that you always pulled out easily, like it were the simplest thing in the world. And I loved you so, so deeply that I could never forget this feeling, even when you made me fall in love all over again. I learned to love you in every way, and it couldn’t have been any different... I couldn’t have fallen in love with anyone better, and I can’t imagine anyone else to be by my side, to be my family. *You’ve always been my family, Julian...”* My voice fails me, and tears stream down my face. “You truly make me happy.”
He pulls our faces apart to look into my foggy eyes. His hand also reaches for my face, and he uses his thumb to dry my tears, although it’s in vain as many others wet the path he’s just cleared.
“I’m sorry for taking too long; I should have told you sooner,” I say with my eyes closed, sobs already escaping between the shaky words. I reach down and hold the back of Julian’s neck. “I ruined everything because I was naive... You, us... that’s all I need. I don’t need anything more... Yet, I ruined our night.”
“You didn’t ruin anything.” Julian’s voice is soft, but his hands that pull me closer to his warmth are so much more. “Things may not have gone as planned, but still... That’s like us, Angelee... Having you in my arms while you’re telling me about our child... No matter how things turned out, it couldn’t have been better.”
“I shouldn’t have taken so long...” I pursed my lips and rested my forehead against his jaw. “I told you we wouldn’t have any more secrets, and yet...” The words just get lost in my low sobs; they disappear. “I’m sorry it took me so long to tell you-”
“I already knew.” His hand passes over my face, moving upwards, a slow, warm caress that ends with my hair between his fingers. “I’m a perceptive guy, after all... I know you better than I know myself.”
“I’m sorry-”
“I don’t.” Julian’s husky voice makes my heart skip a beat, and I forget how to breathe. “There’s nothing to apologize for... I’m glad you did it.”
“Are you?” I open my eyes slowly and fearfully, looking into his swollen green eyes, a few shades darker.
“You see, I planned to propose before you tell me.” Julian’s thumb rests on the corner of my lips. “You’re always jumping to conclusions... I didn’t want you to misunderstand my intentions. Of course, marrying you and building a family with our child is something I want, and that weighs on my decision, but it’s not the biggest reason... I didn’t wait so long because you’re pregnant. I did all this because just the thought of being without you makes me want to die.”
I gasp, and Julian rubs his thumb against my lips, looking down at them as he adds, “But I tend to lose my mind when it comes to you. Seeing another man propose to you when I meant to... And Eric, of all people... I got angry.”
“I know.” I nod slowly, my eyes softening. “I’m sorry, love... I was stupid; I shouldn’t have gone there...”
“When I saw that scene, I thought I was the stupid one... that I missed my chance because I always waste too much time.”
“That’s not true!” I grip the back of his neck tighter, and my tone seems to surprise him because his eyes widen. “You’d never miss your chance... I’ve always waited for you, even if I didn’t understand at the time...”
“Your nineteenth birthday, *I’m the one* who ruined everything.” He says, bringing a lump to my throat. “Eric came into your life because I was a coward and didn’t make you mine. And this time... I was afraid that, because I wasn’t quick enough, I would lose you again.”
Did he really think I’d accept that jerk’s proposal?
After everything Eric did to me, seeing the true colors of his family, knowing that I was manipulated like that, seen as a dollar sign...
“I would never go back to him... even if you weren’t with me.”
Julian looks at me intently, and I’d very much like to read his mind right now. His frown is easing little by little, and his lips rise slowly in a sincere, relieved smile... And looking at it, I can’t help but smile too...
It’s always been like this… Julian can stir my emotions and bring sunshine in the middle of a storm but devastate my whole heart if he wishes so.
“With Eric doing that nonsense or not, I would wait my whole life for you… And well, you really made it worthwhile, like you say… It was such a good way of convincing me.” My smile widens when he notices that I’m being naughty. “So if you’re telling me that’s okay, and this is the perfect end for the night we longed… I want you to know that it’s the same for me.”
He looks at me intensely, somehow bothered, and opens his lips to say something… making my heart race in anticipation of his next words.