64 — What should I do now?

Honestly, I couldn't catch a minute of sleep. All I could think about was that day, seven years ago, when I met Julian and my father. It was winter, and I had just lost my mother. Alone in the world, I thought there was nothing left for me anywhere. But like a light, they appeared in my life and illuminated the darkness I was in.
Remembering this brings up conflicting feelings that are hard to ignore.
In a way, overthinking about it again and again has saved me from thinking about how my heart is aching. Julian was my first crush, my first love. But of course, in his eyes, I was nothing more than a brat he pitied… until my nineteenth birthday.
However, what does it matter? Julian doesn't remember that night. He doesn't remember the reasons that made me give up these one-sided feelings of mine and move on.
Although, I didn't really move on. My feelings for him stayed hidden, disguised, tucked away in a dusty drawer deep in my heart. They didn't die. They didn't drown in the tears I shed — they *watered* in them. And maybe that's why they have grown so much and become so beautiful, like flowers.
But this time, I really have to cut them by the roots.
When morning came, there were such dark circles under my eyes that I had to put on makeup to hide them. Anyone could see the sadness in my countenance with a simple blink, so I did my best to disguise the feelings that were all over my face. I put on a nice, tight outfit that accentuates the curves of my body, and let my hair loose with its natural waves. Pretty, if I make the effort to smile.
*But I feel like an empty shell.*
And just as I overthought the memories of seven years ago, to spare myself from thinking about Julian and the fact that my heart is broken, I focused on work. I stared at those reports, charts, and numbers like they were a lifeboat. And before I knew it, it was almost lunchtime. Definitely not healthy behavior, but what can I do? I need to occupy my mind.
I sigh deeply, but hold the air slightly in my lungs when my phone buzz and I see Julian's message on the screen. My heart certainly skips a beat when I read his message, **[Could you come to my office?]**
It takes a lot of my courage to get up and make my feet go in the way of his office. I become too aware of the noise my heels make on the floor, this *tec tec* that comes with the ticking of the clock while the seconds click by and the voices of the people around us. The next thing I know, I'm standing in front of the door with my hand almost touching the handle.
I retract it, taking a deep breath…
*Yeah, I want to run.*
But I knock on the door.
Julian's voice on the other side, muffled, saying “Come in” sends shivers down my spine. I try to swallow the lump that forms in my throat while I finally turn the knob and prepare to face him.
It's the first time since last night.
And there he is, sitting in his chair, wearing a green shirt, the color of his eyes, so tight that it marks his arm and abs; the first button is loose, which gives me a view of his neck and the space between the defined muscles of his chest. I feel my mouth go dry because it's just so unfair for a man to be this sexy… Especially when I need to keep my hands off him.
When Julian lifts his eyes from the computer and rests them on me, I feel my heart stop… Honestly, how do I do this? Just how?
“Are you going to stand in the doorway?” He says with a playful tone that sends butterflies to my belly.
Sighing slowly, I carefully close the door, and when the thud sounds low through the office, I swallow hard, turning to him and approaching cautiously, like stepping on glass.
I feel Julian's eyes on me, studying me carefully… actually, it's like they’re slide down the curves of my body, to my thighs that are hidden behind the tight skirt. I try to ignore it, pretend that I don't care or that I simply don't notice his piercing eyes, even though he makes no effort to disguise it.
And finally sit down in the chair in front of the table, crossing my legs slightly, waiting in silence while he finishes checking my body and gives a discreet smile, moistening his lips slightly.
“How are you?” He asks, leaning his body, relaxing his back on the chair, and pulling his collar to ease his throat.
“I'm the one who should be asking that.” I answer with the best smile I can give… the highest the corner of my mouth can go. “How's your head?”
“I didn't hit it.” Julian raises his eyebrow slightly, and in the face of my low chuckle, he adds, “Although I'm pretty hungover… it's been a long time since I drank like that.”
“I can tell.” I grumble slightly and notice that he does too… Damn, things are starting to get weird between us. “So, what do you need me for?”
“Oh, right…” He clears his throat, “Can you send me the report today?”
“I just sent it, actually.” I blink a few times, looking at him in surprise.
“Really?” And from the way his eyes widen slightly, Julian also looks surprised and somehow confused. He moves his gaze back to the computer and then lets out a huff, “You're right, it's here…”
I struggle to smile again.
“It's almost lunchtime… If you don't have plans, we can-”
“Actually, I do.” I say quickly, interrupting him.
“Oh… Is it with Mike?” He blinks a few times, surprised.
And I don't like how that makes me feel… Why is he surprised that I have another appointment? Do I look that lonely in his eyes?
“Not really.” I force me to keep the smile, and watch like he fidgets restlessly in his chair.
“Alright then… You can leave a little early to enjoy your appointment.” He says without looking at me directly, focusing on something on his computer.
“Thank you, Mr. Adams.” I stand up, and notice the grimace he makes, which causes me to suppress a laugh.
*“Quiet.”* He mutters, rolling his eyes — and I can't help but let out a low chuckle before walking out of the office.
Taking a deep breath, my smile wilt in the same instant I leave the room… like my energy had been drained. I did my best to smile, but don't think I'll be able to keep it up for the rest of the day.
Now… what will I do? I don't have any appointments. I just… made it up, of course. I'm not ready for lunch or anything that leaves us alone for more than ten minutes, it's too dangerous for my heart… And okay, I know that I'm the one who was worried about losing our friendship, but… It's too soon.
I need some time to put all these feelings aside.
Just a little more time.
Sighing deeply, I try reorganizing my thoughts… when my eyes go to Deborah and Ethan. They seem to be talking about something, but his expression isn't the best. She's gesturing, with frowning eyebrows and a sad countenance… But Ethan just turns away.
And passing through me, he greets me with a subtle smile, but not in his usual flirtatious manner. In fact, he seems much more restrained today… Well, from the way Deborah is acting, I can tell that my petty revenge is working.
At least, this lifts my spirits a bit.
***
I decide not to think too much about it and head to Laura's ex-boyfriend's restaurant.
Over the last few days, I've been going there quite often. It's very nice. The food is great… *and there's free dessert.* At first, I denied, but like the Owner always insisted, I stopped refusing — yes, OWNER, because until this moment I don't know his name.
Yes, it's pretty awful of me to be getting free desserts when I don't even know his name, but what can I do? I just missed the timing!
When he finally sees me approaching the table near the counter, the Owner flashes a big smile and pulls the chair out slightly for me to sit down. It's a kind and somewhat funny act that makes me laugh discreetly. Despite Laura always saying absurd things about all her ex-boyfriends, I'm more and more certain that things aren't exactly as she claimed them to be.
“So… What would you like today?” He asks, resting his hands on the chair in front of me, making the muscles in his arms jump and the veins pop out his tanned skin.
“You know what…? I'll let you choose for me.” I give a discreet smile, tilting my head slightly, gesturing to the menu.
“That's a dangerous thing to say to a man.” He says with a raised eyebrow, making my face heat up slightly… “Are you a woman who likes to comply?”
“Uh, well…” I say embarrassed, with my cheeks probably very, very red. “I- I guess so.”
“Is that right? Then let's make a deal… If my choice surprises you, will you give me your phone number?”