166 — JULIAN ADAMS (POV)

I can’t open my eyes. Every little movement seems to drain all my strength. I want to cry. I’m so desperate, so scared, but I can’t open my eyes.
What’s happening?
The smell of gasoline is so strong that I’m having trouble breathing. Everything is dark because I can’t open my heavy eyelids. But I can hear it... not very clearly, but it sounds familiar. I know that voice...
*“Of course, I’m going to get him out of here! Both of you!”* Mike says urgently, and I try very hard to react, but... I feel helpless. *“But Jack, you, the tree...”*
*“You need to get him out of here NOW.”* Wait, brother? His voice sounds so desperate... *“Don’t you smell that? The gasoline is leaking, Michael! There’s so much gas escaping from this shit! At any moment, it could explode!”*
Explode? Gasoline?
The words fall slowly into place, and I finally remember how much fun we were having, how we were winning, how I asked my brother to keep running when he was still making the turn, and how a car appeared out of nowhere.
I finally manage to open my eyes, with the shouting bursting loudly from my throat. I’m crying and screaming with pain all over my body, calling Jack’s name with despair.
“TAKE HIM NOW!” Jack shouts in the midst of my crying, and my watery eyes search for my brother beside me. I reach out to touch his arm and end up looking down at his legs...
“No!” I shout even more, trying to touch them, trying to push the car wreckage that’s pressing against my brother’s legs. “Jack! Jack, I’m scared, Jack!”
My eyes meet Mike’s, and he’s pale. His eyes widen in utter terror, only making me despair more.
“JUST TAKE JULIAN OUT, FUCK!” Jack shouts, reaching out of the window, grabbing Mike’s collar, and pulling him back against the wreckage door. “My brother! My little brother can’t die here... Do you understand me?”
“You need help, Jack... *Your legs.”* Mike tries to argue, his eyes watering at my brother’s destroyed legs. I couldn’t smell it before because the gasoline’s impregnated in my nostrils, but there’s so much blood... so, so much blood...
“Just get Julian out of here!”
“Listen, I’m going to save you both-”
“IT’S OVER! IT’S OVER, MIKE!” Jack shouts, letting go of Mike’s collar slowly, hyperventilating. “This car is going to explode at any moment. The engine is hot. I’m sure it’s destroyed. Gasoline is leaking everywhere... It’s just a matter of time-”
“We just need to get you out of here before this thing catches fire, then,” Mike says with conviction, trying to pull on the wreckage door, but it’s plugged, like the front of the wrecked car that molds itself around the tree that has invaded it. “If I just break it-”
“It’s over,” Jack says weakly, his breathing getting heavier and heavier. Looking at my brother with such difficulty, turning increasingly pale, awakens a sense of desperate urgency.
“Jack!” I try to reach him again, fighting against the pain in my small body, trying to push this damn wreckage that’s going through my brother’s legs. I’m hurting my too-small hands, *fuck, why are they so small now? I need to save Jack. I need to get him out of this car before-*
“Please, Mike... Please, I’m begging you...” Jack’s voice is calm, although his breathing is struggling. His serene expression makes me stop this pointless attempt.
I know what’s coming.
“Don’t let my brother die here with me... Please take him away...”
Hot tears are rolling down my face, and my trembling hands hang in the air.
*Why again?*
Mike tries to open the door once more, using all his strength, but all he does is make the car creak and sway.
“Don’t do it, the car will explode-”
“I’M NOT LEAVING YOU!” Mike says with a frustrated shout, pulling on the door. “YOU’RE MY BEST FRIEND! THAT WAS MY IDEA! I AM NOT... *I am not leaving you to die...”* Mike’s voice fails, as does his strength. Tears also wet his face.
“I’m not going to make it, you know it...” Jack says, his voice getting weaker and weaker. “Look at my legs... I’d never be able to walk again.” A sad smile takes over his lips, and I can do nothing but watch as my brother’s life slowly slips away.
“Who cares about that? You have to live, Jack! As long as you’re alive, there’s still hope! Aren’t you the one who loves technology? Aren’t you the one bragging about how humanity can adapt? It’s your dream to own a technology company! Didn’t you say you wanted to support research and make a difference in the world? WE’LL MAKE YOU WALK AGAIN! WE’LL FIGURE IT OUT, THEN...” Mike lowers his head, shaking it in despair, and begs softly, “Mike, *please...”*
“I’ve lost too much blood... you know I won’t make it.” Jack is struggling to speak. “I’m dying. I won’t make it to a hospital even if you pull my body out and tear my legs apart.”
No, no, no...
I smell some smoke amidst the gas and blood, and that makes me yell. I grab Jack’s shirt and try to get closer to him, but the seat belt won’t let me. I try to get rid of it and throw myself into my brother’s arms because I can’t leave him — *not again, not this time! Let me go with you, Jack... don’t leave me alone another time!*
“Please, Mike... Take care of my brother, huh?” Jack gives a sad smile. “Take care of my little brother.”
In one swift movement, Mike circles the car and returns to my side. His strong arms reach through the slightly broken window, bruising his skin as he pulls me tight. I’m struggling, but he manages to free me from the seatbelt and pull me through the hole in the window while I scream and beg and cry, trying to reach my brother, who keeps looking the other way. I can’t see his face now. I can’t break free from Mike’s grip as he holds me tight and pulls me across the ground.
He’s pushing me away with difficulty when Jack finally looks at us.
I thought that maybe my brother would still be smiling, looking at me proudly as he always did... But no. Jack is looking at me with sadness and fear. He’s trying so hard to be strong, but he can’t hide the fear of death in his eyes.
Jack’s lips open, and he says something... But I can’t hear his words.
Yet, I know what he meant...
*He meant that he loves us.*
The next moment, I’m about to get rid of Mike, but the first flame runs through the trail of gasoline around the car... And just like that, everything bursts.

... Causing me to wake up suddenly, sitting up in bed with a jump, gasping and wet with sweat. I clutch my chest tightly, feeling my heart beating fast, so painfully that it seems ready to rip through my chest.
I’m shaking.
I’m crying.
This damn memory keeps haunting my dreams, and I can’t forget it.
I feel like dying, without a breath, *lost in darkness...*
The lamp next to me lights up.
Angelee sits on the bed, running her hand down my sweaty back. She’s surprised, looking at me with worry, but as soon as her eyes meet mine, she stays silent and swallows the words she probably wanted to say.
Without saying a thing, she leans in and wraps her delicate arms around me. Her embrace immediately relieves my anguish, and I feel my misery calm down a little when her head rests against my arm.
But this relief only unlocks the tears I’ve been holding in for so long. The nine-year-old boy seems to be back, just like his small, useless hands that couldn’t save his brother.
I’m so vulnerable... so I just slide down, laying my head on Angelee’s lap.
I bury my head in her thighs, and I’m aware that she can feel my tears wetting her skin, but she keeps silent, running her hand through my hair. The way she strokes it so lovingly really makes me feel like a child seeking comfort.
Sobs escape from the back of my throat, but I’m not ashamed of it. The pain of losing my brother feels as real as it did that day twenty-four years ago. It’s like I’m going through this grief all over again, feeling everything with the same intensity, like he had just left this world.
Angelee continues to caress my hair in silence, letting me cry until I feel better. Her heavy eyelids close, and I snuggle up a little closer to her belly. My warm breath against her bare skin would normally tickle her, but she doesn’t move a muscle... she just runs her fingers through my blonde strands, massaging my scalp, bringing me peace.
I rub the tip of my nose against her belly like this simple gesture could bring me closer to her and our child. I remember Mike’s words tonight, mixed with those he has said in the past, and surprisingly, I think of my family, who have also had to face this same pain.
The truth is that I was so caught up in my own suffering that I didn’t think about how my brothers, my mother, and my father suffered. Now, when I imagine what it would be like to lose this child, I feel like I could die together. It hasn’t even been born yet, and I can’t bear the thought of losing it... Imagine my parents, who had to bury their eighteen-year-old son and almost lost another one.
I feel guilty.
They needed to pull themselves together. Mother was pregnant with Jordan at the time, and my father had to be strong for all of us.
But now, I can imagine... I’m sure my father cried when he was alone, too proud to show any grief. He seemed cold and impassive, and that poisoned me for a long time. For years, I thought he hadn’t suffered Jack’s death, but I understand now that’s not possible. Even Jordan and Jessica miss the brother they never knew.
“Julian.” Angelee’s voice sounds like an angel’s sigh, a breath of life that makes me breathe. “I’m here for you, I’m by your side... So don’t worry about anything... you can be honest with yourself.”
I lift my face slowly to look at her, my heart skipping a beat when I don’t meet sleepy eyes but wet and swollen ones. She’s been crying for me, *with me.*
My gaze softens, and I hold her face with both hands, enveloping her cheeks in my warm palms.
“I’m the luckiest man in the world,” I say slowly and notice her eyes light up. “Because I have the most precious person, the purest heart, all by my side.”
“So you’re not having second thoughts about an Adams engagement?” She asks playfully, teasing me, but I can see glimmers of concern on her face.
I give a soft smile, shaking my head slowly.
“No, I could never.” I lean our foreheads together and close my eyes, breathing deeply. “Actually... I want you to meet them.”
She shudders and tries to pull away to look at me, but I hold her in place. I don’t want her to see my pathetic face right now... the face of a man who is regretting pushing away the people he should be keeping close to.
“Wait, you mean...”
“Yes, babe.” I slide my hands to the back of her neck and rest my temple against her forehead. “I want you to meet my family.”