53 — Because it hurts.

Julian sets me down, still holding my arms. His hands are firm on my skin, but his touch doesn't hurt me. What really hurts is the way he's looking at me right now.
“I asked what you're doing.” He insists, his deep voice scratching my ears.
I feel tears threatening to wet my eyes.
“Angelee-”
“Let me go!” I try to wriggle free, but he just holds on tighter and brings my body against his. It makes my legs weak, and I spread my hands on his chest, trying to push him and get away from his scent, his touch, his warmth. Because it hurts.
“Why are you acting like this-”
“Why are *you* acting like this?” I retort, digging my fingers into his shirt, crumpling the cloth in my hands. “I'm just having fun, like you. Isn't that why you're here with Cathy? To have fun with her?”
“Have fun? Taking your clothes off in front of everyone? Kiss another guy?” Julian runs his hand over his face and rubs it against his lips.
“What's wrong with that? Aren't we friends with benefits? You always make it clear what you are to your flings, aren't we clear too?”
His expression closes further, and he opens his lips to say something, however, a firm hand on his shoulder pulls him away, faltering the grip that held me close to his body.
Our gazes are caught by the movement, by the man who intrudes with an equally furious expression. It's Kian, and he says, “She's with me.”
Julian disentangles himself from the grip with a toss of the shoulder and slides his other hand to my waist, keeping me close to his body, but his eyes are locked on the man. “No, she's not.”
I see Cathy approaching too, with quick steps and a furious expression on her face… which makes me disengage from Julian's touch.
But contrary to what I expected, she doesn't come to Julian… she stands between them with arms crossed, and says, “Stay out of this, Kian.”
“Looks like to me that your friend forgot the code.” Kian says mockingly, pointing at Julian.
*Code…?*
“She's not part of it.” Cathy raises her voice, I can sense how furious she is, even if I don't understand what's going on.
I hug my body, feeling a chill run through my skin. Julian notices and hugs me, looking at my face still with a frown, but his eyes are worried. It makes me purse my lips, my throat so tight that the air doesn't seem to pass through it.
“I paid for her drink!” Kian argues, indignantly.
“Oh really?” Cathy reaches for her purse quickly and pulls several bills out of it, tossing them sharply in his direction, startling him — and me as well. “Then take it, you asshole!”
“It's not about the money, you know that!” Kian raises his voice, taking a step towards her. “Whoever buys the drink gets the company!”
“And I already told you she's not from around here.” Cathy takes a step towards him, clutching her chest to his, lifting her chin. “Get out, Kian. She's with Julian.”
Kian looks at Cathy for a few moments, then at Julian, and finally at me. He nods a few times, then shrugs, rolling his eyes and walking away.
I dig my fingers even more tightly into his shirt and bury my face in his chest, shivering from the cold and the adrenaline I didn't even realize was in me. Cathy takes my dress from Julian's hand and touches my shoulder gently, drawing my fearful gaze.
“Let's go in the bathroom, get you dressed.” She says in a soft voice, and I just nod, disentangling myself from Julian's warmth that brings even more chills to my body.
I only notice that we're actually in front of the bathroom when Cathy guides me to one of the doors on the side. And when I enter it, the bright light blinds me for a moment, but my vision soon adapts, and I'm faced with a huge mirror that takes up the entire wall. My pathetic figure, with provocative lingerie and makeup that has been made with a drunken mind, is completely exposed in front of me.
And that's enough to make me realize what a foolish thing I'm doing… What I've just done. I'm unable to control the tears that start to roll down my face and the sob that escapes my lips, drawing Cathy's startled eyes.
Quickly approaching the sink, I lean over the counter with a cry releasing from my throat. And with the cold water falling into my hands, I try to wash my mouth, rubbing my fingers against my lips, with tears mixing with the drops of water running down my chin.
I rub so fast that my lips go numb, and I close my eyes tightly, lowering my head. I try to cover my mouth, but a muffled sob escapes anyway, echoing through the bathroom over the loud music playing outside.
When I feel a hand on my back, a comforting caress, my body flinches. I lift my head, seeing through the mirror that Cathy is beside me, comforting me, stroking my back so tenderly that I feel even more like crying.
I lower my head and my hand, letting the cry release naturally, leaning on the sink, too ashamed to face her right now… too ashamed to leave here and see Julian.
“Don't worry, Kian is a real asshole.” Cathy says with a whine, still stroking me. “Don't feel bad about it.”
I shake my head… I'm not feeling bad about it, I'm feeling terrible about my own actions.
And thinking about it, facing what I've done, makes me cry even more.
Cathy might understand what's going on in my mind because she sighs and brings her hand up to my shoulder, squeezing gently, “He's mad now, but it's not like he's going to be mad forever.”
I lift my eyes, meeting hers through the mirror again.
“He's worried because the guys here really are the worst kind.” She says with a huff. “You're someone precious to him, and he tends to be a bit overprotective.”
I purse my lips, nodding.
“We're not together, you know.” Cathy brings her hand up to my hair, stroking it lightly. “I don't know why he chose to leave this misunderstanding like this, but Julian and I are just friends. I know you have no reason to believe me, but if I were a jealous lover, probably I wouldn't say this, right?” She gives a radiant smile, which makes my chest tighten.
She's telling the truth, I know it.
And I also know why Julian didn't want to set the things right… because my father is coming back.
With trembling lips, I tell her, even though my voice almost fails me, “I'm sorry.”
Cathy looks at me confused, so I just add, “As Julian said, I have a bad habit of jumping to conclusions easily.”
She gives a reassuring smile and strokes my hair again, “It's pretty cute, actually.”
“I think I can understand why you two are incompatible.” I say with a laugh, through tears, “You two are too much alike.”
“You know what… you're actually right.” She returns the smile, then takes her hands out of my hair and crosses her arms. “That makes a lot of sense.”
I lower my eyes again, looking at my trembling hands and sigh… I don't know if it's still the alcohol in my system that's taking control of my body, or the words that have taken on a life of their own… But before I know it, I'm already confiding a secret I've never told anyone, not even Laura, who used to be my best friend — “I'm in love with Julian. And it's been that way for a long, long time.”
Cathy's gaze softens, “Well, it's pretty obvious.”
My surprised and startled eyes go to her, who laughs out loud. Then she hands me the dress and I feel, once again, my chest tightens.
“I'm not a threat, you can trust me.” She says, while I take the dress with fearful hands, “In fact, there may be no threat at all.”
I don't understand exactly what she means, I just stare at the dress, tears threatening to wet my eyes again. And with Cathy's help, the cloth slides back down and covers my body, despite being a really revealing piece.
“Shall we?” She holds out her hand to me, and I reach out to take it, but stop midway… and Cathy, noticing my hesitation, gives me a reassuring smile. “It's going to be okay… you just need to talk honestly.”
*Talk honestly…?*
I don't know if I'll be able to be honest with Julian because if I really tell him how I feel… there's no going back.
And that's the one line we can never cross.
I took Cathy's hand and let her lead me out. Even in the discreet darkness of the club, my eyes are drawn to Julian, who still has an annoyed expression on his face, arms crossed, and shoulders strained. He looks straight into my eyes, making my heart throb painfully.
When we stop in front of him, Cathy lets go of my hand, and I feel an overwhelming urge to hold it again, like it was my boat while I'm for dead in the ocean. I certainly feel lost right now… with no island on the horizon. Like there's nowhere to run.
Yes, I think I can't run away anymore.
“Let's go home, Angelee. We need to talk.”