Chapter 141 The First Change
After watching all this, I don't know how I feel. If I simply blame Katniss and Nathan, am I being too selfish? Isn't it me who has been playing the main driving role from start to finish? Blaming others at this point, am I lacking responsibility and courage? I should be brave enough to take responsibility. In fact, it's my own fault in the end. How could I blame Katniss?
As for Nathan, I don't want to hurt him either. After all, Nathan has raised me, and compared to Katniss, I blame Nathan less. Nathan, compared to Katniss, is too simple-minded, not firm enough in his thoughts, and he is a lonely old man who has lost his partner. If Nathan, as a man, goes through all this without being tempted, then that would be abnormal. Are there really men in the world who are physiologically normal and not moved by the seduction of a stunning beauty? Even if there are, of course, Nathan is definitely not one of those rare men.
Furthermore, I owe Nathan too much. I can punish my wife, but can I punish my father? Respecting parents is an important virtue, and all of this was what I initially wanted. What right do I have to blame Nathan, whom I owe a lifetime to? Although I have some complaints against Nathan, there is absolutely no hatred. Even if I wanted to hate, I couldn't. Facing Nathan, I always feel indebted, maybe because my mother passed away early.
After watching the video, the resentment in my heart has lessened. My once tough inner self has softened at this moment, not out of weakness, but out of a sense of responsibility and duty as a person. The responsibility is not solely on Katniss. As for why Nathan also agreed to have a relationship with Katniss while I was at home, there may be some special reasons. I can only find the answers from the surveillance footage of that night.
As I carefully think about my thoughts and feelings these days, what I fear the most is losing control of the situation. The first time I heard the sounds of Katniss and Nathan making love, I felt fear in my heart for the first time, fearing everything slipping out of my control and Katniss eventually leaving me. The strategy of rattling the cage has worked, but if I continue like this, it will truly shatter this family.
In the next few days, without me saying anything, Nathan will definitely notice the coldness in my relationship with Katniss. If he notices something unusual, he will surely start to overthink, wondering if his affair with Katniss will be exposed. After all, guilty people tend to think about the aspect they fear being exposed the most. So, although my current approach may be a bit extreme, it is the only method I can think of at the moment: not confronting Nathan and Katniss, to intimidate them, make them completely afraid and restrained, and they will never be able to guess if I know about it. Achieving the same deterrent effect as confronting them, without the chaotic and uncontrollable family situation that would follow. This way, I can control the current situation and achieve my intended goal.
After understanding Katniss mistakenly taking aphrodisiacs and masturbating in the bathroom, it's time to watch the scene of Katniss and Nathan making love. I hesitated to click on the surveillance of Nathan's bedroom, not for anything else, but because my mindset has changed compared to before. I fear that after seeing that scene, I won't be able to handle it. Will I lose control of my emotions suddenly? Will I act impulsively and regret it later? Will I let things spiral out of my control?
Due to my low spirits and melancholy last night and today, I have no sexual desire at all today. If I had sexual desire and watched the video of Nathan and Katniss making love, it could bring me pain and pleasure, serving as a good way to balance my emotions. But when a person is sad and has no mood for anything, can they still summon sexual desire? I think most men in reality would be like this.
I glanced at Katniss. If she's not asleep and I open the video of her and Nathan making love, will she notice? Even though I have headphones on, in this quiet room, the sounds from the headphones, such as the moans and physical impacts of her and Nathan making love, would be audible. If Katniss, not asleep, hears the familiar moans coming from the headphones, will she immediately jump out of bed, scared to death, then turn around in shame and commit suicide by jumping off the building?
When I was watching Katniss mistakenly taking aphrodisiacs and masturbating in the bathroom, I had the volume of the surveillance set to the lowest. Since that scene had no dialogue, only faint moans, I didn't need to hear the surveillance audio. But monitoring Katniss and Nathan making love is different. Watching their lovemaking process is important, but their conversation is crucial. If I watch a silent play of lovemaking without any sound, will I become more anxious?
After much deliberation, I've decided not to take any risks tonight. I'll wait for my mood to improve, feel like I can handle it, and when conditions allow, I'll unravel the mystery of Katniss and Nathan's lovemaking in the bedroom last night. I shut down the computer. Although my curiosity made me slightly reluctant, I also secretly breathed a sigh of relief, as if I had narrowly escaped a disaster, feeling much lighter.
Lying in bed, I turned to look through the window at the stars in the night sky. However, at this moment, the stars in my mind didn't evoke bright and colorful images. Instead, I imagined those stars turning into sperm, countless and uncountable. I fantasized about the numerous ejaculations Nathan had inside Katniss's vagina and uterus. Even though Katniss would wash away the semen afterwards, how many sperm cells remained in her uterus, waiting for the eggs secreted by Katniss's ovaries? Although there was a contraceptive barrier preventing them from meeting successfully, their mutual desire faced each other across the barrier.
When a person is in a negative state, they tend to see everything negatively. I closed my eyes, no longer looking at the stars, as they seemed to mock me greatly. I tried hard to find some faint drowsiness in my mind, and eventually, after an unknown amount of time, I slowly drifted off to sleep in a half-awake state. Shortly after falling asleep, I felt a slight movement on my mattress. In my drowsiness, I distinctly heard a sound, indicating some movement from Katniss beside me. After a few slight movements on the mattress, I heard a sound, not the sound of someone putting on shoes or the sound of a door opening.
Although it was strange, I felt that Katniss wouldn't dare to make love with Nathan while I was asleep, especially after the lesson she learned today. If she dared to go to Nathan's room while I was asleep tonight, then she would truly be beyond redemption. Despite my belief, I cautiously opened my eyes slightly in the dim light of night. I saw Katniss sitting up, then curling her knees, burying her face in them at times, and looking at me with a deep sense of fatigue and weariness.
She really hadn't fallen asleep. Fortunately, I didn't impulsively open the computer video tonight. After observing Katniss for a while, I drifted back to sleep drowsily. I didn't know how long Katniss had been sitting with her knees curled up. When I woke up, it was already the next morning. Opening my eyes, I saw Katniss wasn't beside me. The sound of cooking came from the living room. Katniss had gotten up early to prepare breakfast. After yesterday's events, she seemed to have learned her lesson. Will her change start from today?
I got up drowsily, changed clothes, and walked out of the bedroom. Katniss saw me first, and after a brief eye contact, she quickly lowered her head and averted her gaze. Katniss looked pale, her hair, though washed, lacked its usual smoothness and luster. Despite her makeup, she couldn't hide the bloodshot eyes and haggard appearance. From marriage until now, it was the first time I saw Katniss in such a disheveled state.
"Get up, wash up, and let's eat." Katniss's voice was incredibly gentle, but the slight hoarseness in her voice didn't escape my keen ears.
"Have I gone too far?" I kept asking myself inwardly, feeling my cold heart slowly beginning to melt. But thinking of my goal, I once again forced myself in my mind, enduring short-term pain for long-term gain. Time will slowly change everything.
I softly agreed and went to the bathroom to freshen up. I found my toothpaste already squeezed out and the toothbrush cup filled with water. It must have been Katniss who did it. It was the first time ever, and it touched me a bit. Let's see what changes my beloved Katniss will undergo in the future.
Nathan also got up early today. At the breakfast table, we ate breakfast, and Nathan had noticed the abnormality between Katniss and me last night. He tried to find topics at the table, but Katniss and I clearly weren't in the mood. Eventually, Nathan gave up and quietly ate his breakfast, occasionally glancing at me and then at Katniss. Katniss's obvious fatigue today and my still unpleasant expression made Nathan uneasy. He probably thought back to the night before last, and his expression began to change subtly. Since last night, Katniss and I had a simple dinner and then went back to the bedroom in a cold war, he couldn't be sure if something had happened between us. This morning, he finally confirmed that something had indeed happened between Katniss and me. Nathan became distracted during breakfast, even trembling as he held the milk, spilling some of it.
Breakfast ended with each of us preoccupied with our own thoughts. On the way to the office, my mind kept pondering. The plan to rattle the cage has been successfully implemented, but I wonder about the effects. I hope things will develop in a positive direction and that there won't be any unexpected situations. Although Katniss and Nathan have been emotionally shaken, I hope the harm to them won't be too great.
After a busy day, I decided not to go home tonight. Being at the office allows me to have some peace and quiet, and it's a good opportunity to review the surveillance footage and find out the real answer from that night.
At the end of the workday, I called Nathan and told him I would be working late and not coming home tonight. After hanging up, I waited for the end of the workday, for my colleagues to leave, leaving only me in the office. Since I wouldn't be home tonight, I wondered what Katniss and Nathan would talk about.
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