Chapter 94 Confession
My feelings are complicated at this moment. Katniss's last few words felt like a knife, cutting deep into my heart. I know Katniss said those things to save Nathan. I know what Katniss said is true. I know it's not Katniss's fault, but my heart can't seem to calm down.
"No, Katniss didn't mean any of it. She lied to Nathan to save him. None of what she said was true." Despite trying to calm myself down and reassure myself, I could tell from Katniss's expression and tone that she was being sincere. Katniss was speaking from her heart. Normally, she would never reveal her true feelings to anyone else. My disbelief earlier was just self-deception.
"I know if Kevin knew the truth, he would be devastated and unable to accept it. But these are the facts, my true feelings. I can never tell Kevin , I won't let him know. I don't want to hurt Kevin . I want him to maintain the confidence he has worked so hard to build. Nathan, telling you this doesn't mean I no longer love Kevin and have fallen in love with you. I love Kevin very much, truly, deeply. No matter what happens to him, even if he loses his manhood completely, even if he ends up with nothing, I will never give up on him. I love him. Without him, I don't know how to go on."
Perhaps Katniss knew I was very upset at the moment, so she deliberately comforted me with a few words. Knowing Katniss's love, I felt comforted, knowing that Katniss loved me, regardless of the physical experiences Nathan provided her.
"When I found out you were in trouble, I couldn't describe my feelings. I was in a panic. I had never experienced this feeling before. I believe if it were Kevin in trouble, I would feel the same. Perhaps the saying is true, you only realize the value of something after you lose it. I really intended to give up on you, to let go of everything between us. But when you were in trouble, when I saw you critically injured, when I saw your farewell letter, bank card, insurance policy, when I saw the pipe you held onto until death, I finally understood. I can't lose Kevin , but I also can't, I can't lose you either. Am I being selfish?" Katniss gently rested her face on Nathan's chest, seemingly feeling his heartbeat, facing Nathan's face, closing and opening her eyes, letting tears flow onto Nathan's chest, softly whispering to Nathan. By the end of her words, Katniss's hand unconsciously held Nathan's hand tightly.
"You can say I'm not a good wife, you can say I'm a promiscuous woman. I've always played the role of a good wife in front of Kevin . Only in front of you do I dare to show my promiscuous side, just like the time we spent together before. I always wanted to give Kevin a good impression, but deep down, I have desires and lust. People say, men talk about lust, women keep it in their hearts. This is so true. My desires are all in my heart. During that time, we maintained an intimate relationship because I couldn't show my desires in front of Kevin . But with you, I could. Perhaps that's the difference between caring and not caring. During that time, even though I was conflicted and guilty, I was happy. One reason was that Kevin couldn't satisfy my desires, and the other was that I could be uninhibited with you, without any reservations. The feeling during that time was the first of its kind for me. It was the first time I gave a man oral sex, the first time someone performed oral sex on me, rimming, and more. Kevin had never experienced these before, but I gave them all to you. With all that, aren't you satisfied?" Katniss continued to speak while lying on Nathan's chest, her other hand gently caressing his chest.
"However, I didn't expect you, old man, to be so greedy. Not only did you forcefully penetrate me that night, exhausting me completely, I'm a girl, couldn't you be gentler?" Katniss started off harshly, but halfway through, she sighed and playfully complained to Nathan, wishing he had been more gentle. At this point, it was hard to tell she was still angry.
"Indeed, that night, although you exhausted me, it's unforgettable, and I reminisce about it every night. Even when I'm with Kevin , I think of you. After that night, I was angry that you deceived me, and angry at myself for losing my virginity suddenly. I wasn't prepared. If you had waited a little longer, I was considering it every day during that time, encouraging myself, and in the end, I had decided to give myself to you. If you had just waited a bit longer, I believe I would have given in willingly." As Katniss spoke, her voice gradually softened, her face turning red with a shy expression.
During that time, Katniss and Nathan engaged in various intimate activities but didn't go all the way. I was anxious, thinking we had reached a dead end, so I resorted to drugging. Now, hearing from Katniss, I realized she had been convincing herself in her mind, persuading herself to change her mind, and was on the verge of making the final decision to give herself to Nathan. She didn't expect me to intervene with the drug, fate playing its hand.
"Actually, I made you wait for so long with a selfish motive. The easier something is to obtain, the less a man will cherish it. Only when something is hard to get, will a man truly value it. That was my thinking at the time. Countless times, I couldn't help but take the initiative to let your disgusting penis enter my body."
"But I didn't expect you, you old rascal, to resort to rape. After the rape, you went for internal ejaculation, then multiple rounds, and finally, you ran away." Katniss at this point was like a venting shrew, rapidly firing off her words like a machine gun, lightly tapping Nathan's chest with her hand after each sentence. Despite her harsh words, she pouted and showed no hint of resentment.
As time passed by, looking at the clock, over an hour had gone by, my feet were numb, but I dared not move, I had to stay still, not wanting Katniss to notice. Katniss continued to speak to Nathan, whispering as if she had countless things to confide in him. It was past eleven at night, getting closer to midnight.
Katniss lifted her head from Nathan's chest, glanced at the time, knowing that Nathan's last night was about to end, but Nathan showed no signs of waking up. Both Katniss and I were starting to feel anxious.
"Nathan, wake up, please? After what happened to you this time, I've really thought it through. If you wake up, I'm willing to leave Kevin and marry you. I can fulfill any of your wishes, truly. I can make love to you, be your lover, be your tool for release, whatever you want, I'll satisfy you. You're getting old, not much time left. I can fulfill your desires in your later years; Kevin 's body can't satisfy my needs, you can. Isn't this the best solution? We must keep it a secret, but it's not a big deal. Even if Kevin finds out, I believe he should, maybe, accept it. I asked him before if he was willing to pay any price for Nathan, and he answered without hesitation, willing. So, with his words, we have his permission. Although initially we may feel guilty, time will change everything. Eventually, I believe we'll get used to it. Let's be selfish for once. After all, we've already betrayed Kevin , and there's no turning back." Katniss seemed to sense the urgency of time, ending her murmurs and focusing on making promises to Nathan.
"Nathan, you still don't want to wake up? Fine, if you don't wake up, after you die, and Kevin can't satisfy my desires, I'll find other men outside. With my looks and figure, men will let me do whatever I want. If you really want me to become like that, then continue sleeping." After observing Nathan quietly for a while, Katniss noticed no signs of him waking up, feeling a sense of urgency and anger, she began to scold Nathan, her words filled with anxiety, seemingly provoking Nathan. I was also anxious, even wanting to rush out and pry open Nathan's eyes.
"I understand, you must think I'm deceiving you, right? You think I'm just lying to get you to wake up, and you believe that once you wake up, I won't fulfill those promises, right? Well, to make you believe, I'll satisfy you now."
Katniss's eyes lit up as she glanced at Nathan's flaccid penis, seemingly making a decision. After saying a few words to Nathan, she gently removed his urinary catheter with her hand, without even wiping it with a wet cloth, then opened her mouth and swallowed Nathan's flaccid penis.
"Nathan, can you feel it? Katniss is giving you oral sex, holding your glans in her mouth. You know, usually, this thing of yours is quite dirty." Katniss fervently performed oral sex on Nathan, uttering lewd words in between, words she would never have said before, even finding them disgusting. But now, in this final moment, for Nathan, Katniss seemed to let go of all inhibitions.
"Nathan, hurry and get hard. Once you're hard, Katniss will let your ugly thing enter. This time, not between my legs, but into my vagina. Nathan, hurry and get hard." Katniss fervently performed oral sex on Nathan, not missing any part of his penis, shaft, or scrotum.
Both Katniss and I knew that if Nathan's penis showed signs of erection at this moment, it meant he was regaining consciousness. However, despite Katniss's efforts, Nathan's penis remained limp, showing no signs of arousal.
Perhaps feeling numb in her mouth, after twenty minutes of oral sex and lewd talk, Katniss's face was flushed, whether from arousal or shyness from speaking lewdly for the first time. She looked at Nathan's still flaccid penis, feeling disappointed. Glancing at the clock, it was past midnight, indicating the end of Nathan's last night, yet he hadn't woken up.
"You dare deceive me? Aren't you supposed to love me the most? Weren't you always wanting me? I've agreed to everything now, why are you still sleeping? You big liar, big liar." Katniss released Nathan's penis, shaking him vigorously, bursting into tears, her voice filled with despair and heartbreak. I began to cry too, covering my mouth to stifle my sobs, but Nathan remained unresponsive.
"If you dare play dead, if you dare deceive me by playing dead, I'll hate you a hundred times, no, I'll hate you for life. Get up." Katniss didn't give up, shaking Nathan's body, tears streaming down her face, her hair disheveled, no longer caring about her appearance.
"If you want to die, then die. It's good that you're dead. I always found you annoying, especially that night when you bullied me, loved me, protected me. It's good that you're dead. With you gone, no one will bully me again."
"It's good that you're dead. After you die, my heart will finally be at peace. I'll visit your grave every month, clean it, talk to you. I'll think about that night you bullied me, reminisce about our moments together, miss you for a lifetime. If I had another chance at life, I'd let you bully me again in the next life, let you bully me again, let you bully me again, let you bully me again, let you bully me again."
Katniss's last words echoed in the empty hospital room, a sense of despair in her voice as she sobbed on Nathan's chest. I also wept, not paying attention to Katniss's words.
At that moment, a third voice suddenly filled the room, besides Katniss and my cries, there was a man's cough. Who was it? Both Katniss and I stopped crying almost simultaneously, staring at Nathan.
Whether it was from the recent shaking by Katniss, lack of breath, or the pressure from her crying on his chest, or perhaps due to Nathan starting to cough violently, his left hand, not pinned down by Katniss, was trying to cover his mouth, seemingly trying to stop his coughing. Although his eyes remained closed, his actions were enough to dumbfound both Katniss and me, frozen in place, one in shock and the other in darkness.
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