Chapter 186
Open the forum account interface of Katniss, I directly clicked on the newly written post at the top. With a calm and curious mind, I started reading. Fear, I am experiencing an unprecedented fear now. Ever since the abortion five years ago, I have been haunted by nightmares and tormented by guilt. You see, the old me, who wouldn't even step on an ant, ended up killing my own child with my own hands. When I went to the hospital to personally end the life of the fetus that was just forming, I knew that the rest of my life would be spent in penance, atonement, and the condemnation of my conscience. But it seems that God thought all of this was not enough, Nathan also fell ill, and with cancer, it's so severe.
When Nathan was first hospitalized, I started to worry and fear. That night, I didn't sleep at all, I was scared, I was worried, all the retribution has come, and I couldn't talk to Kingsley about it, feeling so helpless. When I found out that Nathan had cancer, the condemnation, repentance, and fear in my heart reached their peak. This fear and worry are unprecedented, and when I heard that Nathan had advanced cancer, I couldn't control myself and almost fainted, but luckily my husband caught me in time. Actually, when I found out that Nathan had cancer, although I was worried, scared, and guilty, if it was just about Nathan, I wouldn't be so overwhelmed, almost fainting. After all, Nathan is mainly family to me, five years have passed, and everything with Nathan has turned into memories. Now all my thoughts are on Kingsley and the child. The reason I felt so out of control when I heard about Nathan's cancer is because the thing I have always feared and worried about might be happening.
What I am most worried about now is Kingsley and the child. Nathan and I did wrong, and we both received punishment. Since Kingsley occasionally lost control of his emotions five years ago, making me realize that God was also punishing Kingsley, I worry that the punishment will now shift to Kingsley. If something happens to Kingsley too, what should I do? After five years of contemplation, I have forgotten the original feelings, mostly feeling pain and regret. I hate myself for succumbing to temptation back then and engaging in such incestuous behavior with Nathan. Taking a lesson from Nathan's experience, after Nathan's situation is over, I should also have Kingsley checked out, his health is not good to begin with, overworked for this family, although young, his body is already in bad shape. I hope God will not punish Kingsley and the child, they are innocent, I am willing to do more good deeds, devote myself to God for life, spend the rest of my life atoning for myself, and pray for my family."
The diary was relatively short, and I finished reading it in less than two minutes. After reading this post, many of my doubts were resolved, and of course, I felt relieved. These past few days, thinking about Katniss's reaction when she heard about Nathan's cancer, made me feel strange and slightly bitter. Five years have passed, does Katniss still have feelings for Nathan? That was my thought at the time. After reading the diary, I realized that Katniss was indeed worried about Nathan, but more about the fear of punishment, and the worry about me and the child. Each of her worst fears was slowly coming true, escalating her fear to its peak.
Thinking back to what the fortune teller said, everything will go smoothly, things will pass. Now, Katniss prays devoutly every day and repents, Nathan underwent prostate cancer surgery and was castrated, is this going smoothly? Is Katniss's repayment for Nathan's past love over? Was it all worth it? Looking at it from another perspective, for Nathan, everything was worth it. As a poor farmer from the countryside, in his old age, he unexpectedly got such a young and beautiful woman like Katniss. Katniss's body, for him, might be considered happiness, especially since Nathan is still alive. He just lost a part of his body, a part that defines a man's identity. Even if Nathan didn't have Katniss, he now has Jennifer, who is still charming. Jennifer is hardworking and simple, not bad-looking, Nathan will also find happiness in his old age.
As for Katniss, she got the greatest physical pleasure and satisfaction, something she had never experienced before, something I couldn't give her. In her youth, she received the attention and infatuation of two men at the same time. Love from one person should not be shared with two, but Katniss managed to do it.
The most pitiful person is probably me. After all these years, Nathan and Katniss got what they wanted, what did I get? Life is still the same as before, my body is getting more tired, work is getting busier, even though my body has recovered, due to overwork, I hardly ever make love to Katniss.
After experiencing Nathan's serious illness, not only did Nathan's body suffer, but it also cost over $20,000, there were accidents, money was spent, and since then, Katniss has never been exclusively mine because she has been penetrated by another man countless times, her body is no longer pure, no longer exclusively mine.
The only thing that can make me feel grateful and comforted is that I have Olivia, a lovely daughter, plus Simon, which is also a kind of happiness. I closed the computer, lay on the bed, looked at the moonlight outside, time changes, but the scenery remains the same. Thinking about the content of Katniss's diary, thinking about the punishment she mentioned, in fact, Katniss and Nathan don't know that everything was arranged by me, I am the real culprit. If there is really punishment, then I should be the one to be punished the most, I am not a coward afraid of death, but I have concerns in my heart, I have a wife and children, parents and a family, so with these ties, I also have a fear of punishment, after all, my current life makes me very satisfied and attached. I decided to go to the hospital tomorrow to check my body, have a full-body check-up, in case there is any illness, to know and treat it early, some minor illnesses, just take medicine promptly, after all, health is the most important, and maybe because both mother and Nathan have cancer, I am also a bit worried.
The next day after work, I directly called my superiors and informed them, then went straight to the hospital.
After so many years of hard work, my position has become higher, my power has increased, and of course, my salary has also increased, so now I can make many decisions on my own, with fewer constraints.
After arriving at the hospital, I paid the fees and started to undergo various examinations. I didn't inform Katniss because I wanted to do it myself, if there was no serious illness, there was no need to tell Katniss. She has been quite fearful recently, and her emotions are not stable, so I didn't want her to worry. I first checked the organs in the upper body, and the results showed that I had fatty liver, possibly due to my frequent meat consumption and alcohol intake, but it's not a serious illness. However, my kidneys also had stones, they were still small and not causing pain, the largest stones were 0.8 and 1.2. Since these stones couldn't be expelled from the body, I underwent extracorporeal shock wave lithotripsy in the department to break the stones, eliminating future risks, and instantly feeling much more comfortable physically and mentally.
After that, I went to the male urology department to check the lower body, did an ultrasound, urine test, and so on. After receiving the test results, I couldn't understand them, so I found the urologist, who took the report and gave me a strange look.
"Have you been feeling any pain in your testicles recently? Any pain on the sides of your lower abdomen?" The doctor asked me cautiously while holding the ultrasound report.
"No, I haven't felt any pain in my testicles or lower abdomen. What's wrong, doctor? Is there a serious problem?" Seeing the doctor's expression, I couldn't help but feel nervous, I couldn't imagine being like Nathan, having to undergo testicular removal. Sweat instantly dripped from my forehead.
"There's no serious problem, don't worry. I have a personal question for you, although it involves privacy, it's related to your condition, I hope you can answer."
The doctor's attitude was very good, speaking gently and slowly, but at this moment, I felt anxious and scared, his slow and vague speech made me more anxious, almost wanting to burst out in anger.
"Go ahead and ask, ask anything." Although I was anxious, I still calmly replied.
"Are you married? Do you have children?" The doctor inquired.
"I'm married, with a son and a daughter, one is ten years old, the other is four." I was eager to know my condition, so I just blurted out all the information.
"You have a common male disease, it's not serious, but it has significant consequences and is quite sensitive."
The doctor looked at the test results, started a long discussion using professional terms that I didn't understand at all. At this point, I suspected if the doctor had a problem, not getting to the point.
"What disease do I have?" I couldn't suppress the anxiety in my heart anymore, and directly interrupted the doctor's words.
"Varicocele." Perhaps sensing my impatience, this time the doctor answered very straightforwardly, directly and briefly mentioning a few words.
"Varicocele?" My brows furrowed, why did the name of this disease sound so familiar? I propped my forehead with my hand and began to recall, perhaps the doctor thought I knew and understood the condition, after mentioning the name of the disease, he didn't say anything else, just smiled and looked at me calmly, as if giving me time to accept and digest this information. My brain was filled with too much information during this period, and I couldn't remember it all at once.
The entire urology department fell into silence at this moment, the doctor sat there looking at me, I sat across from the doctor, fingers propped on my forehead, thinking. I tried hard to search my memory, thinking and thinking, and finally, I remembered, with a bang, as if a bomb exploded in my brain.
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